Entourage- Season 6 Episode 8

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I had to call the cops on my drunk desi neighbor

My brother was outside on the phone. This desi guy that I've known since elementary school, but don't get along with very well, gives him the middle finger. My brother was puzzled. He then kindly told him that he was on the phone and didn't have time to talk. I was in my room and all I could hear was the guy saying nigga over and over. I went downstairs and saw that both parties were having a shouting match through the kitchen window. I tried to pull my brother back but that failed. The drunk desi guy, who is known for having a temper and always being drunk, started to threaten my brother. He said that nobody could fuck with him. He told my brother to bring all of his boys. This pissed me off. I thought that my brother and I should go out and stomp the living shit out of him. This would have been a great bonding experience. I then thought twice. I decided it was better to call the cops on this lonely loser. So I did. When they came to my house he was walking in the opposite direction of where the car was faced. I told the cops that he was probably drunk and that they should just talk to him. I was hoping he would pull out his speech about how nobody could fuck with him. Because if he did, the cops would have billy clubbed him silly. I went out for a cig a couple of minutes later and saw that the cops were leaving. He got kicked out of his house a couple of weeks ago which obviously angers him. Listen dawg, you're older than me and you still don't know how to wipe your ass. Not my fault. You come from a fucked up family. Once again, not my fault. You're a degenerate alcoholic who's going to end up dead or in jail. Good for you. I hope you follow through on your aspirations. I am Baliwala. I roll with the 5-0. Call me a snitch, but in the end you're the one who's going to be a bitch. That is all.

It's hoodie time

My favorite part of the year is when it gets chilly. You know why? Because I get to wear my comfortable hoodies. That's why. I have countless hoodies in almost every color. I wear them inside. I wear them outside. I wear them when I'm in between being inside and outside. That's when you're entering or exiting a door. That is all.

You know you've compromised

With another person when both of you are dissatisfied. That is all.

Fanstasy Football 2009

My team


QB: Philip Rivers, Ben Roethlisberger
WR: Anquan Boldin, Devin Hester, Chad Ochocinco, Justin Gage, Cris Chambers
RB: Brian Westbrook, Jamal Lewis, Sammy Morris, Darren McFadden
TE:Jeremy Shockey
K: David Akers
Def: NY Jets, Carolina Panthers


Let's rock it.

Word of the day 26

meg⋅a⋅lo⋅ma⋅ni⋅a [meg-uh-loh-mey-nee-uh]

–noun
1. Psychiatry. a symptom of mental illness marked by delusions of greatness, wealth, etc.
2. an obsession with doing extravagant or grand things.

Earplugs

I bought some today. You know why? Because my neighborhood is noisy as fuck. The children in my neighborhood will not stop running around and screaming at the top of their lungs. I think they are shepherds for the devil. Also, my neighbors are always doing work on their houses. Today at 8 AM I was awoken by the sound of a cutting saw going through wood accompanied by a foreign language I have never heard. They were speaking very loud and laughing obnoxiously. That was the final straw for me. So I said fuck this shit and left the house to buy earplugs. They apparently reduce noise by 32 decibels. They work pretty good. The only problem I have with them is that they come loose sometimes. Oh well. I am Baliwala. I can not hear this post. That is all.

Every Indian/Pakistani

Guy says they're a DJ or they drive a sports car. Every Indian/Pakistani girl says they bellydance or have done modeling. This is what I have encountered in my many years of dealing with these people. A Desi guy will tell you hes a DJ if he has a big pair of headphones an iTunes on his computer. He will tell you he's a race car driver if he paints the hood of his Camry a different color from the body. A Desi girl will tell you she bellydances to try and impress guys by showing she has somewhat of a slutty side. She will tell you she has modeled or is an aspiring model to make it seem like she is attractive and many guys lust for her. Ladies and gentlemen, please cut this shit out. We all know you're lying. We just don't have the energy to call you out on it because we can't wait to tell others we know. This will result in a laughing fest at your expense. I am Baliwala. My hips don't lie. That is all.

People need to act their age

Especially girls. There is no reason for a girl that is over 21 to be acting like she's still in high school. I understand you're trying to be cute, but that shit is annoying. Stop "heheheing". Stop using baby talk. When I talk to you I don't want to feel like I am baby sitting. Your main topic while conversing shouldn't be about a cartoon. Stop telling everybody your tummy hurts. Only 10 year olds say tummy. That is a scientific fact. If you are a guy and find this adorable, you are a homosexual. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm just saying. I am Baliwala. I am a bitter old man. That is all.

If you want to please God

You must first be in good favor with your peers. If you believe in God then you should agree with what I just stated. Weren't humans put on this Earth to take care of each other? Respect each other? Yes. We were. I see people who claim to be pious treat others, including their families, like shit. When I see this it makes me glad that I am not religious. Seriously, is believing in God or religion supposed to turn you into an asshole? Because that's what I usually see. I am Baliwala. I will treat you with respect, maybe. That is all.

Too many people

Own dogs. Shit is ridiculous. I was with a friend chatting outside of my house for about 20 mins. In that time period I saw about 12 dogs being walked. I did not recognize the people. This scares me because I'm guessing they are my neighbors. All of them were white. Not trying to stereotype, it's just something I observed. I think this is what people want to have instead of kids. I see people who are going into their 40's owning them. Dogs are much easier to take care of and die much sooner than children. They tend not to misbehave. If they do you can lock them in a room and don't have to worry about child protective services. It is cheaper to feed them. I am Baliwala. If you treat your dog with lots of love that's fine, but I am not a huge for of K-9's. That is all.

Ugly bitches

Who complain about there not being any hot men need to shut the fuck up. You know why hot men do not exist to you? It's because they avoid you at all costs. They do not want to visit your "world.' You know why they do this? It's because you're ugly as fuck. Also, you have the personality of a brain dead monkey. Yes. It's true. Guys usually do not go for ugly bitches. You, the ugly bitch in this situation, are shit out of luck. I know you've tried to dress like a skank. I know you have tried to shove your rancid cooch into the faces of men. You have even offered sexual favors for a smile in return. Still no luck. I know you want to fit in with the regular gals, but you can't. You know why? It's because you're butt motherfucking ugly. Sorry dawg(pun intended) but all that makeup doesn't do shit for you. Maybe you should lower your standards. You should go for ugly guys. You know why? It's because once again, you are ugly as fuck. I am Baliwala. You're tore up from the floor up. I saw your face and I damn near threw up. That is all.

Cars slow down

When they come by me. At first I thought I was being paranoid, but it's been happening for years. I'm beginning to think that I am going to be a victim of a drive by shooting. When I look over it seems like the driver is turning his/her head away from me. I keep my head down. I reach for my keys. This is my only line of defense. When I get home I look out the window to make sure the car is gone. I am Baliwala. I could survive in Compton. That is all.

Word of the day 25

vit⋅ri⋅ol [vi-tree-uhl]

–noun
1.Chemistry. any of certain metallic sulfates of glassy appearance, as copper sulfate or blue vitriol, iron sulfate or green vitriol, zinc sulfate or white vitriol, etc.
2.oil of vitriol; sulfuric acid.
3.something highly caustic or severe in effect, as criticism.

It's showtime

I love this shit. I use it everyday after I shower. It smells so delicious that I have the urge to spray it in my mouth. No lie. I am Baliwala. I am so fresh and so clean.

I ate my neighbors iftaar

My neighbors fridge is messed up so they brought some food over to keep in my fridge. They've been doing this for about a week. I had no idea. So a few hours ago I saw that there were about 5 samosas in there. I was like chyea. So I ate all of it. Right before it was time to break the fast I went to the kitchen. My neighbor was looking into my fridge like it went 2 miles deep. I was confused. My mom then asked me if I saw any samosas. My jaw dropped. I was going to blame my dad but then I thought otherwise. I smiled and said I ate them by accident. He was cool about it and left. I am Baliwala. I will eat the food you've been dreaming about for 13 hours. That is all.

You might be a Borat

What is a Borat? First of all everybody knows one. A Borat is someone who laughs while they talk. You have no idea what they're saying. A Borat is someone that talks more with their hands than with their mouths. They might as well learn sign language. A Borat is someone who constantly has a smile on their face no matter the situation. That is known as the creeper smile. I am Baliwala. If you did not find this entry amusing then you're probably a Borat. That is all.

Don't call me fat

Smart people

Do not speak up enough. Their voices are drowned out by stupidity. You know why? Because dumb asses do not have anything to lose. This is why they say whatever they want. This applies to the media and people you know and meet everyday. People with sense on the other hand, are hesitant to speak out. This is because they are content with their position in life. They are happy with the fact people appreciate them for not having an opinion. All across the world this is true. It is apparent that stupid asses are taking over the world in every avenue of life. You know why? Because they want everybody else to think the same way they do. To look at life the same way they do. This is a plea to those out there with some sense. I know they aren't many of you, but we must unite. We must defeat the idiocy that has plagued the human culture. I am Baliwala. Defender of truth. Champion of honesty. Join me in this war. That is all.

What? No thanks man

Fuck Fred

Weeds- Season 5 Episode 12

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Gay black men

Are attracted to me unfortunately. I have been hit on by gay black men many times. I will tell you about a particular situation. About 2 years ago I had a job at a drug store. I worked in the liquor section. A black man approached me and asked for help. I pointed him in the right direction. I was confused though. He had about 4 bottles of liquor already that he was struggling to hold. Why would he need more? Then he says to me: "Where you frohm?" I told him I was Pakistani. He responded with: "OMGAH I LOVE ME PAKISTANIAN FOOD! I LOVE DAT SHIT! I BEEN EATING BIRYANI(Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi rice dish) EVAH SINCE I BEEN LIKE FIHVE!" His enthusiasm scared me. Never had I seen somebody so joyful when talking about rice. He then asked me about good Pakistani restaurants in the area. Now I knew something was wrong. Why would he ask me this question if he was such a big fan of the cuisine? I named a couple just to be courteous. After all, he was a customer. Then he asked me about my work schedule. I didn't say anything. "YOU PROLLY WORK A LOHT RIGH?" I said that I did. Right before I turned away, he had one last statement. He snarled a bit, did a slight shoulder roll accompanied with an acute neck roll and said: "YOU SHOULD CUM PARTY WITH ME AND MAH FRENDZ SOMETIME." I am Baliwala. I don't wanna go black in fear that I might not come back. That is all.

Motherfucking bullshit

So I woke up today and went to have a cigarette like always. When I put on my left shoe I could feel something tickle. All of a sudden a small mouse jumped out. So I jumped. Shit was surprising as fuck. When I jumped I banged my left ankle on the china cabinet. I went out to smoke. I was calm. When I came back inside I immediately became furious. I started cursing under my breath hoping that lil fucker would show his face again. I would be ready this time. Within five minutes my ankle starting to hurt. I didn't want to look, but I did anyway. I'd had swollen up. My brother told me to put ice on it. I told him that I was ok. Two minutes later shit was hurting bad son. I was ahhhh gimme dat ice! And I wasn't talking about jewelry. The swelling has gone down a bit. I should be ok. I am Baliwala. I'm switching my major to mice exterminator. That is all.

The time

My friend hit me with his car. This happened during my sophomore year of high school. It was a half day and we went to another high school to pick up a friend. When we arrived I was sent out to find him. When I looked back I saw that my friend was about 20 feet away from me. I could see the look of evil in his eyes. The engine began to rev. I simultaneously put my hand up and tried to say no. He charged right towards me, slamming on the breaks just a few feet from my body. The car skidded and hit me in the legs. I ended up on the hood and slid off. I landed on my feet and played it off like it was nothing. I am Baliwala. I survived being hit by a car. That is all.

Losing track of time

I do this often. If I take a nap when the sun goes down I wake up thinking it's the next day. Scary shit. I have to then check the date on my computer to see what day it is. True story. After the first 10 minutes of waking up I have to remember what I did that day. It's freaky as fuck. It's like I'm in Back to the Future, but it's not as cool. I am Baliwala. I need to buy a watch. That is all.

Mur-wanna

That's what my dad calls weed. Years ago I was caught with an empty bag of mur-wanna. A few days later I was spending some time with my dad. He asked me how many cigarettes I smoked. I obviously thought he was talking about tobacco, so I said 3-4 a day. He immediately grabbed his heart, closed his eyes and said: "Oh my God!" I still thought he was talking about tobacco. So I told him it wasn't a big deal and that people usually smoke a lot more than that. He said: "Chand(moon)I don't care how many people smoke, but you are young and skinny. How can you handle 3 mur-wannna cigarettes a day?" I was like no no no, I was talking about tobacco. He wasn't very mad after that. I am Baliwala. I suggest smoking mur-wanna in a sauna. That is all.

Hey hater

It has come to my attention that you think you can do this better than I can. L to to O the the L. Let's get one thing straight. I am Bali motherucking Wala. There are a thousand of you, but only one of me. Let that boil in ya head for a bit. I am issuing a challenge. Make your own blog. Let's see how well it does. Do not give me the excuse of not having time. Make time. An entry takes less than one minute to type. Let's rock this you fucking hater. I'm so game. Somebody had me a Gatorade because I am about to rip shit up. That is all.

Fuck squirrels

Yeah, I said it. So I planted a jalapeno seed about a month ago. You know why? Because I love that shit and do not want to pay for it. For the past month it has been growing very well. Shit was beautiful. The leaves were immaculate. I went to check on it today. I saw that some dirt was moved from the base. I thought the wind might have took it away. Then I checked a half hour later out of curiosity. I saw that more dirt had been moved and the roots were exposed. The plant was more limp then a gay guy at a strip club. It broke my heart. I guessed it had to be a squirrel. I told my dad about this. With the most innocent look on my face I said to him:"Why would they do that." He replied with: "That's just what squirrels do." I am Baliwala. I am going to buy a bee bee gun. That is all.

Entourage Season 6 Episode 7

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Oh yes

Word of the day 24

clout [klout]


–noun
1. a blow, esp. with the hand; cuff: The bully gave him a painful clout on the head.
2. Informal. pull; strong influence; muscle, esp. political power: a wealthy campaign contributor with clout at city hall.
3. Baseball. a long hit, esp. an extra-base hit: A hard clout to deep center field drove in the winning run.
4. Archery.
a. the mark or target shot at, esp. in long-distance shooting.
b. a shot that hits the mark.
5. Also called clout nail. a nail for attaching sheet metal to wood, having a short shank with a broad head.
6. Archaic.
a. a patch or piece of cloth or other material used to mend something.
b. any worthless piece of cloth; rag.
c. an article of clothing (usually used contemptuously).

The

"Look at this motherfucker look." What is this look Bali? Have I ever done it? To answer the second question first, yes you have. To answer to second question, the "look at this motherfucker look" is when you pout your lips, lean back and point and somebody as if your hand was a gun. To get maximum effectiveness it is better to have your hand sideways while doing this. This look is used when somebody says something incredibly stupid or tells a complete bullshit lie. Closing your eyes is optional, but is preferred.

I would like to apologize

To all the mofos I have styled on in my life. What is being styled on mean Bali? If you are asking yourself this question then I'm sorry to say, you've been styled on. I apologize once again. I only found this out recently. At first I was upset. Then I realized I was blessed with a gift. You see, not everybody has the ability to style on mofos. It's something you're born with. This skill can not be learned. Many people have had their days ruined because I have styled on them. Sometimes I style on the same people multiple times during a 24 hour period. I don't mean to do that. It just happens. Usually people fall into the being styled on trap. Once you're in it there is nothing I can do. Sorry. I am Baliwala. I have been styling on mofos since 1986. That is all.

If you ever feel down

Just remind yourself you aren't in jail. Think about how fucked up it is in a prison. Forced gay sex. Shitty food. Not being able to go outside. Being told when to go to sleep and wake up. Wearing rags for clothes. Being forced to do manual labor for just pennies, which you will probably spend on a small bag of potato chips. Not being able to see your friends or family. Sleeping in a small bed. Sharing a living with a psycho. I am Baliwala. Be happy you aren't a prison bitch. That is all.

The Baliwala Wellness Program: Update 2

I have smoked only 4 cigarettes today. Smoking was not on my mind. I had 3 cigarettes after meals. I had the other one when I woke up. I will try to break the ritual of smoking first thing in the morning. Let's rock it.

It's hard to take a nap

When you have kids outside shrieking. Look I know it's still summer for you guys but I'm lazy. I need to sleep at least once during the day. Within 2 minutes of closing my eyes I began to hear the screams of what sounded like an army of kindergartners. I didn't mind at first because it stopped for a few minutes. It started again. This cycle repeated for about a half hour. I really wanted to go outside and tell them to shut the fuck up but I was too tired. If I had gone outside it would have been horrible. I would have been mumbling and rubbing my eyes while telling them that it isn't polite to be so loud. I am Baliwala. If children continue to act up I will hit them in the throat. That is all.

DJ FRESH at it again

Joke time

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A Jew is a person who follows the Judaic faith. History tells us Moses founded this religion. Pizza is an Italian dish that is made with cheese, bread, and tomato sauce. It is usually covered with vegetables or meat as a topping.

Fans of anal sex

You're going to hell. That is all you hershey highway riding degenerates. Baliwala out.

People with fat lips

Piss me off. Seriously, deflate dem bitches. It looks very odd. How are you able to eat? How are you able to speak? I bet people have a hard time understanding you. It must have sucked when you got called on to read out loud in school. With those two tires on your face it always looks like you're sad. Poor you. They weigh so much that your head is constantly tilting downward. You sad fuck, get a siring and extract whatever the hell is in there. I personally feel worse for people who have this condition and have a darker skin tone. It looks like you have two burned waffles instead of a pair of lips. You use an entire stick of chap stick in one use. At least you're keeping a business alive. I guess you're good for something. I am Baliwala. You take the term DSLS to a new level. That is all.

If I were a vampire(inspired by a conversation I had with one of my loyal readers)

I'd get all the bitches. I saw the movie Twilight last night. I heard of the movie but had no idea what is was about. For quite some time females across the globe have been going nuts over the main character. After seeing the movie I can see why. He's a fucking vampire. He will never lose his good looks. He can whoop anybody's ass. Vampires are fair skinned. That's always a turn on for the females. In the movie the main character Edward Cullen is overprotective of his bitch Isabella, Oh I mean "Bella" Swan. Like out of nowhere he wants to kill any guy that comes close to her. His excuse is that he can't help it. What a bitch boy. She falls for it. In reality females tell you that they hate overprotective guys. This is called bullshit. Bullshit is when somebody says something that is not true. I'm glad I could clear that up for you guys. So blah blah, he kills some dude for her and they probably would have fucked, but that would have been too graphic. The end. I am Baliwala. I want to suck your blood so you will love me. That is all.

Sluts

Just let them be. If girls want to slut it up, let them. What's it to you? If a female decides to suck and fuck everything in her sight that's her business. Ok, a girl like that isn't wifey material but it's her life. I can somewhat understand why girls do not like sluts. It's because they get generalized along with them. That isn't fair. What I do not understand is when guys look down upon them. Seriously what the fuck is your problem? Are you allergic to vagina? Are you not sexually attracted to the opposite sex. I know what you're thinking. Sluts are so nasty! What you fail to realize is that nasty is not always a negative term. So please stop hating on the poor sluts. They make the world a safer and happier place. I am Baliwala. If you are a whore please contact me. That is all.

Word of the day 23

ab⋅hor [ab-hawr]

–verb (used with object), -horred, -hor⋅ring.
to regard with extreme repugnance or aversion; detest utterly; loathe; abominate.

If you really want to get intoxicated

Fuck alcohol and marijuana. I have a better, more cost-efficient method. Hold your breath for 30 seconds. Then spin around in a circle for 10 seconds. Then take a sip of Diet Coke. I am Baliwala. Let's get crunk. That is all.

Irony

The best

Toothpaste is Colgate. After many years of research I find this to be fact. I've tried every brand, but this is the best. When I use Colgate, it feels like the paste is dancing around my mouth. Shit is crazy. Also, if I put too much on the brush it doesn't leave a strong taste behind. Fucking awesome. I am Baliwala. I want to breathe into your face. That is all.

Another remix by DJ Fresh

My right elbow

Is very sore. Actually the soreness goes up almost to my shoulder. I know what you're thinking, and no it is not because of masturbation. This started last night. The soreness is getting worse. I am Baliwala. I have a sports injury from not playing sports. That is all.

To all of my loyal readers

Yes. I'm talking to you. I would like to thank you for reading my bullshit. I'm glad it brings you some entertainment. I honestly don't know why I started this blog, but people apparently liked it from the start. To my real supporters, you know what to do. I don't even have to elaborate on that. Things are just getting warmed up. Shit is gonna blow up dunnies. Just wait. I am Baliwala. Come with me as I break the internet atmosphere. That is all.

An elaboration of my previous post

The club punch. What is this Bali? This is when you punch somebody in a club for no reason. Why would I do such a thing? Because it's fun. That's why. This is how it works. You spot somebody who is at least 20 feet away from you. You have to wait for a song that everybody is dancing to. Start dancing. Doesn't matter how you do it, just make sure you don't get noticed. I personally like to do a shoulder shake accompanied with dips every 5 seconds. Sneak up behind the person. Turn them around. Punch them only once. Run away. That is all.

If you're ever going

To get into a fist fight, fight dirty. No need to be classy, this isn't a movie. Fuck trying to be moral. You're fighting. No need for that. Who cares if people call you a pussy? If they do call you that, point at yourself and say this pussy didn't get his ass whooped or go to the hospital, thank you very much. I have a particular way of fighting dirty. First you put your hands up by your face with the palms sticking outward. Have a worried look on your face. Tell the other person you don't want any problems. Then out of nowhere you poke them in the eye. Then you kick them in the nuts. Then you turn around and run away. It works every time. I am Baliwala. I am the king of street fighting. That is all.

My new best friend

Word of the day 22

dis⋅suade [di-sweyd]

–verb (used with object), -suad⋅ed, -suad⋅ing.
1. to deter by advice or persuasion; persuade not to do something (often fol. by from): She dissuaded him from leaving home.
2. Archaic. to advise or urge against: to dissuade an action.

Bahahahahhahaha

When I was younger

I used to play football in my friends backyard. We looked forward to this every Sunday. Nothing beat tackle football in the fall. There was one problem. My friend shared the yard with an old grumpy bastard. He didn't let us play because he said it tore up the grass. One night I was at my friends house. I decided that we should get him back. I said this while wearing a multi-colored afro wig. True story. So I went outside. I spotted his car. I then proceeded to piss on the driver door car handle. I am Baliwala. I will urinate on your vehicle if it's a big gray van. That is all.

Take responsibility

Of your own actions. You are in the position you put yourself into. Nobody else is liable for this. It is very easy to blame circumstances and other peoples actions for your fuck ups. Don't do this. I believe that stupid shit happens to stupid people, so don't do stupid shit if you don't want bad shit to happen to you. What is stupid shit? Pretty much anything that you have to think twice about doing. It's not that hard to figure out. I am Baliwala. I am where I want to be in life. That is all.

I'm going to have to pass up on this offer

I find people

Who tell you their battery is going to die after a 10 second conversation to be evil. Really? If that was the case why would you pick up your phone in the first place? What was worse is that this person laughed at me after they said it and hung up. That is the equivalent of getting slapped across the face. To add insult to injury I got a text a few hours later saying their battery died. As if I didn't know that before. So why tell me twice? The text included an lol at the end. I didn't find this funny. Why would they? I am Baliwala. You can't have my phone number. That is all.

District 9: Review

This movie was weird as fuck. It did have some funny moments though. I am Baliwala.I rate this movie 4/10. That is all.

My mom only likes me

When she has a dream about me being an infant the night before. I can tell right away because she has a huge smile on her face. Then she is quick to serve me food. Another sign of odd behavior. As soon as I start eating she tells me about her dream. It always starts with me being a baby and crying. I just nod my head and say yea as she continues with the story. I am Baliwala. My mom stopped loving me when I started to talk.

Dexter: Season 4 Episode 1

http://www.megavideo.com/?v=UMIHP2HG

Nach nach ni

He knows what he wants

I have no idea what he's saying but I have a pretty good idea about what's on his mind.

My Madden 2007

Does not work. It's pissing me off. Most of you are wondering why I'm playing an outdated game. I'll tell you why. Cuz that shit is fun. That's why. I'm in franchise mode with the Oakland Raiders. I have made them the best team in the NFL but I can't get the game to work. I looked up ways to remove scratches from the disc. A lot of people suggested that toothpaste should be applied to it. Fuck you. I'm not doing that. What's next? I have to take it to a dentist? You guys are nuts. I'll figure something out. The Bali always does.

While you're sleeping

I'm up writing in this blog. While the world rests I stay awake and let my thoughts bleed on the screen. Can you feel that shit? I can feel that shit. It feels amazing. If you're reading this, I'll be probably sleeping. Talk about role reversals.

The Baliwa Wellness Program: Update 2

I have lost count of how many cigarettes I am smoking. I tell myself that I cut down. This my loyal readers is called denial. With this being said, I will start to monitor my smoking again. This was harder than I imagined. I'm going to smoke a cigarette now. That is all.

If you are above the

Age of 30 and still frequent nightclubs, I feel bad for you. You're trying to capture the essence of your youth and are failing miserably. If you are a male this can be seen by your balding head. If you are a female this can be seen by your wrinkly face. I feel bad that you haven't found a spouse. I'm sorry that you think working at a clothing store in the mall is a career to you. I'm sorry that underage people find your presence creepy. Just stay home and watch the evening news. You can even hang out at the dog park, but you need a dog for that. I am Baliwala. Find me at the club bottle full of bub. That is all.

I went to McDonalds

And I asked for the You Special. The You Special? What's that? That is the new meal from them that was inspired by YOU. Yes YOU. The person who is reading this. Well, they where sorry to inform me that the Slutty McSlut Slut was not available anymore. I am Baliwala. I think you're a skank. That is all.

One of the worst feelings in the world

Is when you check your phone after many hours and you have no missed calls or texts. What the fuck? Why aren't you trying to contact me? I see how it is. You're not busy. Let's be honest. You're watching TV or playing with yourself. I am Baliwala. Please call me. That is all.

Somebody asked me

If I wanted to be a Jehovas Witness. I said I didn't see the crime. I am Baliwala. I don't know who shot the sheriff. That is all.

Yuppers

Word of the day 21

cir⋅cum⋅vent [sur-kuhm-vent]

–verb (used with object)
1. to go around or bypass: to circumvent the lake; to circumvent the real issues.
2. to avoid (defeat, failure, unpleasantness, etc.) by artfulness or deception; avoid by anticipating or outwitting: He circumvented capture by anticipating their movements.
3. to surround or encompass, as by stratagem; entrap: to circumvent a body of enemy troops.

I'm a star

http://www.sendspace.com/file/8z68cm

Balle Balle

I'm going to start

Wearing my earrings again. It's been so long since I've done this. I am Baliwala. I wear pink shirts and an earring in each ear. That is all.

The Soloist

Download link:http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RWOSGHDP
(Copy and paste into address bar)

I will shatter your dreams.

You will never become an astronaut. You will never be a police officer. You will never be a fire fighter. You will never star or even co-star in a movie. You will never be on TV. You will never become a doctor. You won't be a pharmacist. You won't become a teacher. You will never be on a professional sports team. I am Baliwala. Your sweet dreams are made of deez nuts. That is all.

I have unsteady hands

This is why I rarely take pictures of myself. They usually come out blurry. Also, why do I need to take a pic of myself? I already know what I look like. You probably know what I look like. I see no point. My camera is outdated. It's bulky and the quality could be much better. Another reason not to take pics. I am Baliwala. I haven't taken a pic of myself in ten years. That is all.

In the past 24 hours

I have smoked 8 cigarettes. That's a start for me. To be honest, I want to smoke more now than I ever did. Let's see how this goes.

Seeing people you know

After a long time is weird. You have to act happier than you actually are. You have to smile like you have never before. You have to act interested in what the other person is doing with their life. Then you exchange numbers. Make promises of hanging out. Both know that you'll never hang out. It's just apart of the process. I am Baliwala. I haven't seen you in a while and I forgot what you look like. Why are you so fat? That is all.

I don't have hot neighbors

I'm starting to think that this shit only exists in movies. That is all.

When I suggest

That you watch a particular movie, watch it. I only watch the best of movies. This is a scientific fact. If you are somebody who doesn't watch movies, fuck you. I almost feel bad for you. You have no idea what you're missing out on. I am Baliwala. I will give you a ticket to a dream world of magic. That is all.

DJ Fresh remix

The Baliwala Wellness Program:Update 1

I had my first cigarette of the day. I'm going to try to hold out for five more hours. Let's see how this goes.

Skills

Word of the day 20

ex⋅tri⋅cate [ek-stri-keyt]


–verb (used with object), -cat⋅ed, -cat⋅ing.
1. to free or release from entanglement; disengage: to extricate someone from a dangerous situation.
2. to liberate (gas) from combination, as in a chemical process.

The Baliwala Wellness Program

With all this recent talk about healthcare, it got me thinking. Maybe I should take better care of myself. The first thing I will try to do is cut down on smoking. I smoke about 10-15 cigarettes a day. Starting now I will gradually cut down, and eventually quit altogether. Fuck patches. Fuck nicotine gum. This is all mental. What habits will you change? Cut down on fast food? Cut down on sugar and soft drinks? Hell, you can even start being nice to people. Just change a bad habit. Let's rock it.

You are not special

You're ordinary just like everybody else. Even me. It doesn't matter what you look like. Many are better looking than you. It doesn't matter what you wear. Millions have a better sense of fashion than you do. It doesn't matter how many people say you're funny. Comedians are a dime a dozen. It does not matter how smart you are. They are people out there that have better grades than you. It doesn't matter how much money you have. All the money in the world can not get rid of your smug attitude. You're not special. You have reached the apex of your greatness. It's all downhill from this point on. I am Baliwala. My friends call me Mr. Ordinary.

It's supposed to thunderstorm

This afternoon. It might ruin my plans to attend the Pakistani Independence day festivities. I was really looking forward to gelling up my hair. I was dreaming about walking around and smoking cigarettes while cursing in Urdu/Punjabi. Most of all, I was looking forward to eyeballing all of the hot girls. I am Baliwala. I will stand alone in the rain with an umbrella and stare at you. That is all.

Mr. Dopetastic!

Oochie Wala

That used to be my name on Friendster. Remember that site? It came before Facebook and Myspace. Those were the days. I stopped using it when I started getting friend requests from people who lives in the Philippines. That is all.

You know you do it

I do it too. Everybody cuddles up with their blanket when they go to sleep from time to time. They imagine it's an ex, a celebrity or somebody they might have seen earlier that day. Admit it. You love that shit. I do too. The best part of doing this is that you can change who you're imagining in a second. Talk about convenience. I am Baliwala. I wanna close my eyes, I wanna fall asleep cuz I wanna imagine you're my valuer blanket. Muahz and all that good shit. That is all.

Big Wax

Word of the day 19

ca⋅thar⋅tic [kuh-thahr-tik]

–adjective
1. of or pertaining to catharsis.
2. Also, ca⋅thar⋅ti⋅cal. evacuating the bowels; purgative.
–noun
3. a purgative.

People who constantly ask me to update my blog

Yeah I'm talking to you. Listen, I know you can't get enough but there's only so much I can do. I only have so much energy and time. The Spice Girls said it best: "Too much of something is bad enough." They were right. Do you want to overdose on Bali? I think not. Moderation is key when it comes to this blog. 4 out of 5 doctors recommend that this blog should only be read when needed. It is highly habitual. People have ruined their lives because all they want to do is stay at home and read my entries. They have lost friends. They have alienated their families. I'm going to go back to talking to you on Facebook and pretend like I didn't write this. I am Baliwala. You might as well call me Rockafella cuz you don't stop, can't stop reading this blog. That is all.

Charles Manson

Is a psychotic motherfucker. I was on YouTube watching an interview with him. He made no sense. At times, he was very scary. He would make the strangest faces. He would go off of subject frequently and blabber about something random. What was even more disturbing were the comments left by people. People said he was charismatic. They said he was a very smart man. Really? God damn, you people have low standards. It seems like anybody who is put on a pedestal by the media has a huge following. If you are a fan of Manson, I hope we never interact. Even on the internet. I hope you never have children. Because if you did they would be spawned from the depths of hell. Try following people who actually care about you, like your parents. You know, the people who even take care of your stanky ass even to this day. I am Baliwala. Follow me instead of Manson. Everything will be alright. I'll be the one to tuck you in at night. And If you wanna leave I can guarantee you won't find nobody else like me. That is all.

344 words in a minute

Fact

The Chicago Cubs will win tomorrow against the Pirates. I don't even like the Cubs, but they'll win. Put everything in your bank account on them to win. Let's rock it.

The girls of the world

Are nothing but trouble. It's true.

I lied

I do not have one hat, but two. The second hat I have is from Pakistan. It has a fake Nike logo on the front. Nothing on the back. The thing I like about this hat is it actually fits me, unlike my NY Yankees one. I'm wearing it right now. I am Baliwala. If the hat fits then I must admit...to having more than one hat.

It's true

The kuris in the club really do nach.

Girls girls girls girls

Stop being so insecure about your bodies. Chances are you think you don't have a good body because you have this idea in your head that guys think it's unattractive. You're wrong. Guys will go for almost anything. Take my word for it. I'm a guy. Stop going on crash diets to lose 20 pounds in 5 hours. It won't work. Be happy with your body. I'm not saying don't exercise or eat right. All I'm saying is don't be so hard on yourself. I am Baliwala. I want to fuck your flab. That is all.

Being too nice

Gets you nowhere. People will walk all over you left and right. This includes your friends. It's human nature to use the meek. If you can't help being too nice, try harder. If you are too nice to people do not be surprised when they do not appreciate it. Do not be surprised if your actions go unnoticed or if they are not reciprocated. So stop being so nice to people. Put a limit on it. I am Baliwala. I want to save your tears. That is all.

This is the first entry

I have made without wearing a shirt. It feels weird. Just thought you guys should know.

Word of the day 18

bar⋅bu [bahr-boo]


–noun
a threadfin, Polydactylus virginicus, inhabiting western Atlantic coastal waters.

Rotary phones

I wish I had one. Having one shows ones true pimp status. It defines the word classic. It is the epitome of old school. I am Baliwala. If I get a rotary phone and you have even one zero in your number, I will not call you. That is all.

Your girlfriend

Wants my phone number and I'm going to give it to her. You will get mad at both of us. You will yell at your her and possibly temporarily break up with her. You will threaten me over the internet. I will lol at your comments. You will make plans about how you will kick my ass. You will call your friends and tell them to help you get me. During all this time, I will be on the phone with your girlfriend.

Damn I'm good

In a poker tourney that had 404 participants, I got 14th place. Got another 30 cents for my trouble. I could have done better but I got bored. At this pace I should be a millionaire in 344 years.

Guys who text guys too much

Listen dawg, if I don't immediately answer your text it doesn't mean I'm dead. Give me some time. I might be busy. I might be doing something important. You might have unlimited texting, but I don't. So I would appreciate it if you wouldn't send me unnecessary texts because I don't want to be overcharged because of your stanky ass(I mean that in the nicest way possible.) I don't want to have to call my cell phone company and try to get the charges reversed by lying about being in a gay relationship. I don't want to get sympathy that way. So chill Lunchbox. One day, one day I will answer your texts. Wait for me.

In 1st grade

I was told practice makes perfect. In 6th grade I was told nobody is perfect. I stopped practicing.

Using my moms shampoo

I must have had a momentary lapse of judgment. I must have been in a hurry. I honestly don't know. I am Baliwala. My hair smells like exotic coconut. That is all.

Hai Hai Jawani Guy

This video was uploaded by a friend of mine. She encountered this guy while in Lahore, Pakistan.

If you feel cold during the summer

See a doctor. That shit isn't normal. If it's 80 degrees and you're wrapped in blankets, it's not cute, it's odd. It reminds me of the homeless. Since I care so much about this I have a few suggestions that will help you fight the "cold"

- Don't sit right in front of the fan
- If the AC is on, turn it off
- Open a window and let hot air in
- Last but certainly not least, get your head checked out. Maybe this is some psychological issue you have.


I am Baliwala. I wrote this while wearing shorts. That is all.

Neighbors who send you food

Are evil. The food the send you is nasty. That is why they're sending it to you. They don't want to waste the food, so instead they give it to you instead. Listen my dear neighbors, you guys are cool, but stop sending over half cooked rice. I might chip a tooth. Another thing I don't like about this is that you have to return the dish(es). It doesn't end there. You have to wash the dish(es). So you eat a shitty meal and then you have to wash the platter it came on. Then the worst part comes. You have to return the dish(es) and give a bullshit compliment about how good the food was. When you do this, you give them the green light to send you more shitty food. It sucks. I am Baliwala. I like my moms cooking. That is all.

Word of the day 17

des⋅o⋅late [des-uh-lit]


–adjective
1. barren or laid waste; devastated: a treeless, desolate landscape.
2. deprived or destitute of inhabitants; deserted; uninhabited.
3. solitary; lonely: a desolate place.
4. having the feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn.
5. dreary; dismal; gloomy: desolate prospects.
–verb (used with object)
6. to lay waste; devastate.
7. to deprive of inhabitants; depopulate.
8. to make disconsolate.
9. to forsake or abandon.

Mmmmmmmmmm what you say?

People who complain about the same thing

For months and months put me in a very mundane mood. I have to fight off the drowsiness that comes. Every single time a person tells me the same problem they have, I always give the same advice. I don't try to dig deep and find another way to solve the problem. You know why? Because if I were to do that then they'd still not listen to me. So why waste my time? Get your shit together people. Not everybody is suppose to have serious problems. So don't make them up. It does not make you important. It actually makes you seem desperate for attention. I am Baliwala. I do not have time for your "problems" because I'm too busy looking at my ceiling fan spin. That is all.

From now on

I want people to refer to me as Moochi Mahsuhlee. No more Baliwala or Bali. No more pagaljaanu. This is a new chapter in my life. I'm starting fresh. In with the new and out with the old. By the way, I'm just joking guys. I do that a lot. Get used to it

Sad thug

Return of the mack

I have decided to mack it up again. No more just being friends with a girl then seeing where it goes. I'm going to rock out with my cock out, literally. If you or anybody you know is a desperate female looking for a simple relationship that is based on lust, feel free to leave a comment. We can exchange contact information and pretend to laugh at each others comments over the internet. We can lie to each other about how amazing our lives are. I won't judge. I promise. You can tell your friends that you have a boyfriend. I won't send you my picture, but a picture of a ridiculously good looking male. I will use my MS paint skills to write your name on it to give the picture credibility. Your friends will envy you. I won't tell my friends though because I will be too busy looking for more females much like yourself. Let's rock it.

Word of the day 16

in⋅quis⋅i⋅tive [in-kwiz-i-tiv]

–adjective
1. given to inquiry, research, or asking questions; eager for knowledge; intellectually curious: an inquisitive mind.
2. unduly or inappropriately curious; prying.
–noun
3. an inquisitive person: thick curtains to frustrate inquisitives

The Baliwala Family

I'm never betting on the Red Sox

Ever again. That is all.

Bet of the day 3

Red Sox over Yankees.

Let's rock it.

I got 18th place

In a poker tournament that had 383 participants. I received 30 cents for my efforts. Be jealous. Be very very jealous.

Indian and Pakistani teenagers who hang out in parking lots

While standing in front of their cars. Yea, I'm talking to you. I never understood the point of this. When I was your age I didn't do that shit. I went to a Pakistani restaurant with family. After the meal, I went outside for a cigarette with my brother. We immediately saw a group of Indo-Pak males between the ages of 15-18 standing in front of a Toyota Corolla. There were about 10 in total. Some wear wearing dress shirts and slacks. Some were wearing wife beaters and shorts. I felt like I was on an African safari. I was a in a foreign land and observing the rituals of the native species. Their dialogue consisted of Urdu and broken English. I found this out by their shrieking. The mere sight of them sickened me. I wanted to go up to them and start throwing punches, then I quickly realized that wouldn't be a good idea since my family was inside, and it would make their week. They would go on their respective AIM accounts and lie to underage girls about how they beat up somebody that was older than them. The leader of this group triumphantly sat on the hood of the Corolla. He clearly was showing me and everybody else who was the boss. I also realized that this was their highlight of their lives. God bless those bastards. May life have mercy on them.

Track jackets

Are my favorite article of clothing because they are comfortable. Also, it makes me feel like a mafioso. That is all.

Word of the day 15

scin⋅til⋅la [sin-til-uh]


–noun
a minute particle; spark; trace: not a scintilla of remorse.

If you have trouble waking up in the morning

I have a suggestion. Sleep upside down. When you wake up the surprise will scare you into getting up. It works. Trust me.

I used to take pics in Burger King bathrooms

It's true.

Real time with Bill Maher- 8/7/09

Family

Everybody complains about them, even me. But I have realized throughout the years that family is indeed the shit. They will always have your back. Nobody can love you as much as they can. They know you better than you know yourself. There are the only people that have memories of you when you were in diapers and couldn't speak a word. I am Baliwala. Love your family. Get like me. That is all.

For those of you that think I can't dance

Here is visual proof.

This is me getting down to Bhangra. Play the song and watch me break it down.

Word of the day 14

whim⋅si⋅cal [hwim-zi-kuhl]

–adjective
1. given to whimsy or fanciful notions; capricious: a pixyish, whimsical fellow.
2. of the nature of or proceeding from whimsy, as thoughts or actions: Her writing showed whimsical notions of human behavior.
3. erratic; unpredictable: He was too whimsical with regard to his work.

"Don't you hate it when...."

Let's take a trip down memory lane. When I was in 6th grade I had a friend named Salvador. One day in math class it was very hot. Most of the kids were complaining about this, but not Salvador. He stayed quiet and did his work. The bell was about to ring so everybody got into line. Salvador took his time. I was standing with a group of my classmates. We were talking about Power Rangers probably. When I looked over my shoulder I saw that Salvador had a look of pain on his face. Before I could find out what was wrong with him, he came up to my friends and I and said:"Don't you hate it when it's hot and your balls stick to your leg?" He wasn't joking. He was dead serious. Everybody was speechless. I didn't speak to Salvador much after that.

Pizza

Is what I say when people ask what my favorite food is. Others will say a fine steak. Others will tell you some French dish you've never heard of. You know why you've never heard of it? Because it does not exist. Yeah that's right. People lie about what they eat. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's to come off as classy. Maybe it's because they saw it on Iron Chef and wanted to use it in a conversation. I am Baliwala. I like Italian pie. That is all.

The demented leprechaun

Known as Lil Wayne or Weezy or whatever the fuck his name is. If I hear this guy rap, I immediately start laughing. This goes back when he was apart of Cash Money Millionaires, and wasn't very famous. If I see him in a music video, my laughter becomes uncontrollable. Seriously, have you seen this motherfucker? It looks like he got lost in a ghetto clown convention and 50 clowns simultaneously jumped on him. He has the face of a underdeveloped squirrel. He is vertically challenged, fuck it, he's a midget. I am Baliwala. You can't lick the lollipop, but you can lick the wrapper. So here's the wrapper. That is all.

People who make you laugh

Are the most important people in your life. You might or might not realize it. It's true. Appreciate those who give you a good laugh. Everybody can use one no matter what position their life is in. From kings to peasants, everybody needs to laugh. It's the key to live a long life. Don't you want to live a long life? You damn skippy you do. I am Baliwala. I want to make you laugh so you get old enough to have really saggy tits or need to use Viagra. That is all.

Somebody pop a cap in his/her ass

We have all thought this. Sometimes towards a stranger, a family member or friend. People make you want to strangle them. Literally murder them. I understand your frustration Mr./Ms./Mrs. reader but you can't do that. Going to jail and being somebody's bride is not fun. I've seen that shit in movies. Trust me. So the next time somebody pisses you off to the point you want to end their life, just ignore them. Easier said than done I know, but it's the best thing to do. A person I know once said:" Rise above." This is true. Sometimes you have to let shit slide. A tough pill to swallow for your ego. I know I know, you've tried. Well try harder. I am Baliwala and I believe in you. Not a whole lot, but enough for you to do this. That is all.

I can't read your mind

I seriously can't. I wish I could but my powers are unfortunately limited. So let's do this, tell me what you're thinking. Instead of trying to drop hints with your voice tone, or facial expressions, spit it out. If you don't I won't care. You'll get extremely pissed off. I'll smile. You might start crying. I might start laughing. You know why? Because the only games I play are ones involving a game console and TV. I am not a mental ninja. I will not infiltrate your skull. Well I might, but....anyway, build on your communication skills. You'll be better off in the long run. I am Baliwala. I see that dumb look on your face and I really don't give a flying fuck. That is all.

Fish lips

Water runs dry

Word of the day 13

in⋅ane [i-neyn]


–adjective
1. lacking sense, significance, or ideas; silly: inane questions.
2. empty; void.
–noun
3. something that is empty or void, esp. the void of infinite space.

Don't lean on me

If you are not strong, that's your fault. I am not your shoulder to cry on. I have my own shit to deal with like watching TV. If you can't solve your own problems you are simply fucked. Most likely in the ass. If by chance I do decide to help you, do not shun my advice. I know my shit like Kobe knows basketball. If you do not heed my advice and do what you think is right, you will add to your problem(s). I am Baliwala. Don't bother me because I'm staring at my beard in the mirror. That is all.

Burrito lady

Finally she didn't put sour cream on my burrito. * insert dirty joke here* Every time I order it I ask for no sour cream. When I get home I realize that there is a large amount of it. I don't get upset about , I just grab a spoon and take it off. I never say anything to the lady because she does not speak English. So there is no way to communicate with her. Thank you burrito lady. You made my day complete. I am Baliwala. If you got sour cream I won't talk to you. That is all.

3 team parlay

Can't remember the last time I did this.

PHI over COl
CUBS over REDS
TIGERS over BALTIMORE

Let's rock it.

Go easy on the flash

I don't know what you're trying to do here. Are you trying to accentuate the fact that the color of your eyes isn't real? Are you trying to get a tan? I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to blind me. It's working. Good job. You should pursue a career that has something to do with lighting. You could work on a movie set. I see good things for you in the future.

Girls who cry over anything

Cut that shit out. It's obnoxious and very unattractive. That is all.

Boring people who don't know why they don't have friends

The reason you don't have friends is because you're boring as fuck. Your conversing skills are very limited. To make matters worse you are in denial. You blame the other person for being boring. Well motherfucker, if you had something I could build upon then we could have an actual conversation. If I ask you what you did today or even the past week, and you respond with: Nothing, the convo is fucked. It's a dead end. Nothing more can be said. Have no fear, hope isn't lost. Try reading. Try staying updated with current affairs. Try listening to music that doesn't sound like shit. Watch a movie. Travel. God damnit, do something.Don't be afraid to speak your mind. Chances are people might like you for who are you. I know it sounds crazy but it's true. I am Baliwala. I will talk to you until you are my bestest goodest friend. That is all.

You've never met anybody famous

You think you have but you haven't. Seeing a celebrity drive by or from 100 feet away does not constitute as meeting them. To you it might be the biggest thrill of your life. You'll tell anybody and everybody you know ASAP about the event. They'll act like they care, but they don't. You think this celeb is your role model. This person has gotten you through "rough" times. You stay awake and wonder if they're thinking about you. I got a news for you: they're not. You have their picture as your desktop wallpaper. You have everything they have come out with. You have spent countless amounts of dollars on their merchandise. They don't give two shits about you. Don't feel bad. You are apart of millions upon millions of a celebrity obsessed culture. You don't value the people who actually can make a difference in your life. Perfect example: You! You are the only one that can make something of yourself. Not some tattooed heroin addict who's going to die in the next year. Not some big tittied bitch who can't spell her first name. That's right. I said it. Fuck whoever you worship. It hurts doesn't it? Stings right? If it does that's a good thing. I am Baliwala. Please please by my number one fan.

I'd say I'm sorry but then I would be lying

And I try my best not to lie. People should not say sorry if they do not mean it. You might be thinking saying sorry is courteous, but it's not. It's complete bullshit if you don't mean it. Do you want to be known as a bullshitter? I think not. Far too often people say sorry just to get in the good graces of other people. Once they do, they fuck up again. This is vicious cycle. So please don't say sorry if you don't mean it. Save yourself the trouble of having to explain yourself when you make the same mistake again. But Baliwala, what if I really mean it? If you really mean it then you would not fuck up. Right? Yes I am right. I am Baliwala. I don't say sorry unless I mean it. I'm sorry if this post bored you. Now read the title. That is all.

The Baliwala shirt

Buy it.
Copy and paste link into address bar.
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/white-tshirt/400827306

Word of the day 12

fes⋅ter [fes-ter]


–verb (used without object)
1. to form pus; generate purulent matter; suppurate.
2. to cause ulceration, as a foreign body in the flesh.
3. to putrefy or rot.
4. to rankle, as a feeling of resentment.
–verb (used with object)
5. to cause to rankle: Malice festered his spirit.
–noun
6. an ulcer; a rankling sore.
7. a small, purulent, superficial sore

Thanks for fucking up my haircut.

Seriously. Why did you have to go so high with the fade? I look like I'm about to join the Marines. When you said: "Is good?." I said yes. What else was I supposed to say? Also, thank you for making the hair on top of my head uneven. I love going home and using my own scissors to try and even that shit out. I got you back though. When it was time to tip you, I gave you one dollar. That's right a single George Washington is what you got. Don't spend it all in one place. That is all.

What? Is that what you really think about me?

http://www.sendspace.com/file/7guqu1

Bet of the day 2

Phillies over Colorado. Let's do this.

Going to the gas station

This is always an adventure for me. Something interesting always happens even if I'm the only person there. The recent arrival behind the counter always greets me with a grimace. He knows what I want. We've been through this before. But when I ask for what I want, a look of confusion comes upon his face. After repeating myself many times, I finally get what I want. Forget that. Let's talk about the customers. One person immediately comes to mind. A drunk bastard walked in while I was in line. He said he wanted ten bucks on whatever pump. He then headed for the door but then went back to the counter. He said: "Fuck you." He then paused for a few moments and then said: "I love you." Talk about a change of events. The poor guy by the register is now confused. Did he just insult me then take it back? Does he want to fuck me because he loves me? I have sympathy for him. God knows how long it took him to sleep that night. Tossing and turning trying to figure out the real message. That is all.

Bro bro bro bro

Stop using this word. If you must use it make sure to only use it once every five minutes. Guys who say bro repeatedly irk me. You should see the look on their faces. It's like they are hungry for penis. I've known a few people you have repeatedly said bro. I don't talk to them anymore. So if you want to be my friend do not use this word. I am Baliwala. If you say bro then you're a ho3. That is all.

Uno

I last played this game 5th grade, that was until tonight. This game sucks. It's confusing as hell. Pointless. That is all.

If you use drugs and/or alcohol

Good for you. I'm glad you use these things as an escape. Here's the thing: it is not necessary to announce this to the world. Liquor stores and bars are everywhere. Marijuana is not hard to find at all. Getting fucked up is not a triumph in life. If it is for you, you should kill yourself. If you find so much happiness in something so minuscule you are pathetic. Also, do not use this as an excuse to type fucked up, or to be an asshole. If you have been getting fucked up for years, typing should be second nature. Being moody should not happen because your body should have tolerance towards these things. A very good friend of mine once said: "If you want to get wasted all you need is $15 and a car." He's right. Smoking a joint and drinking a pint of cheap vodka is not a huge accomplishment. This can be easily done. So next time you get fucked up, instead of texting a friend telling them how shit faced you are, you should relax and listen to some music. Get something to eat. Maybe even go to sleep. That is all.

I've always wanted to

Smoke a cigarette in my high schools' bathroom. It's something that has been on my mind for years. I think when the school year starts, I'll head over there and light one up. If I get caught I'll just say I graduated. That should get them off of my back right?

Classic picture of MJ

Word of the day 11

crepe [kreyp]


–noun
1. a lightweight fabric of silk, cotton, or other fiber, with a finely crinkled or ridged surface.
2. a usually black band or piece of this material, worn as a token of mourning.
3. a thin, light, delicate pancake.

God damnit

So I'm in the living room hanging out with my parents. All of a sudden somebody rings the doorbell. Immediately after that, that same person starts pounding on the door as if it was a life or death situation. I got up to answer the door, but my mom told me that she would. She opens the door and there stood an obese Hispanic man who was cock-eyed. He had a dumbfounded look on his face. He starts blabbing about how he works for a company called Just for energy. Apparently if you sign up with his company, you save money on your electric bill. My mom said that we signed up for it five years ago LOL. I'm laughing at it now, but at the time I surely wasn't. I interjected and told him that pounded on peoples' doors was very impolite. I ended the sentence with "homie" so he would truly understand what I was saying. I said that ringing the door bell twice would be enough. While I was telling him this a sad look came upon his face like he was about to cry. Really? Motherfucker, fuck you. Your feelings are hurt? Grow some balls faggatron. He said that he was in hurry because his shift ended at 9 P.M. He came to my house at 9:15 PM. What a bullshit liar. The fat fuck then proceeded to put his head down and leave. If I ever see him again, I will kick him in the nuts, then ask him I could have him a moment of his time. When he asks me why I kicked him in the nuts, I will say:"MANI I'M IN A HURRY!!!!." That is all.

Getting woken up by telemarketers

I was woken up this morning by an Indian telemarketer. This is how the conversation went.


Telemarketer: May I speak vith ******?
Me: Yea, that's me
Telemarketer: Are you happy vith your current satellite prowider?
Me: Listen, I'm really tired. Just give me your number and we can talk about this some other time.
Telemarketer: Sir sir, I am sorry to say I am not allowed to do this!
Me: *hangs up*

I was so out of it I didn't know what I was saying. I know now that asking for a female telemarketers phone number maybe wasn't the best way to go about this. Here's the thing, she called me. I feel as a customer I had the right to say anything. I hope she calls again. If she does, I will do the say the exact things I did today. That is all.

This is how I dizzles

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My son

I thought him everything he knows.

July archives

Check out the July archives if you're new to my blog. I have over 100 posts in them. Hope you find them informative and/or entertaining. That is all.

Lying

We all do it. It's a natural defense mechanism that is built into every human being. Some tell bigger lies than others, but we all lie. In my experience, females tell more intricate lies than males do. This is because quite frankly, males do not have the mental energy to keep a lie going for a long time. Our lies are simple. Females on the other hand, can turn a lie into a movie. They will involve their friends. Their family. They will have so much sincerity in their voices when they lie to you. If you question the lie, the female will become very agitated. She'll blame you for not trusting her. She might even add tears for dramatic effect. When this happens the male usually has a guilt trip. He promises never to question the female ever again. After some time, usually 3-4 months, the male finds out that the female is lying. This happens usually because a friend of a friend tells them. At first the male does not know what to think. So he keeps his mouth shut. As time passes more and more people are telling him the same thing. Now he knows something is up. When he confronts the female about the lie she comes clean. She knows she's backed into a corner and can not get out of it. Her excuse of lying is that she didn't want to hurt anybody. That's why she lied. Are you fucking serious? I absolutely hate this. When a female does this she tries to come off as the victim. She tries to justify her lie with heaps of bullshit. Even after more time passes, usually years, she'll still think she did the right thing. No matter how many people she deceived. So females, don't lie. Because I will find out eventually. And when I find out, I will kick you in the head with my Pumas. I am Baliwala. Please do not lie to me.

Hey you in the green shorts!

When I was about 12 a friend and I went to buy illegal fireworks for the 4th of July. We were very excited about things blowing up. When we reached the warehouse we saw that the place was huge and the fireworks were very cheap. I came home with 2 paperbags full of illegal items. I was very happy. Fast forward about about two days. It was July 2nd and I could not wait to use them. So I call my friend and tell him the plan. He comes over. We go outside the front door and start lighting bottle rockets. Out of nowhere a police car pulls up across the street. It parks and sits there for a few minutes. My friend and I continued to light our explosives. Then the officer gets on his megaphone and says: "Hey you in the green shorts! If you continue to blow those off you're going to jail!" I won't lie. I got scared as fuck and went back inside. To this day if I were green shorts my parents bring that story up. That is all.

You can now

Leave comments even if you are not a registered user. This should be interesting.

Word of the day 10

o⋅ver⋅zeal⋅ous [oh-ver-zel-uhs]


adj. Excessively enthusiastic: overzealous movie fans; an overzealous manager.

Update on Facebook psycho: 2

I guess she decided to ignore my comment about her liking anal sex. Damn, this could have been fun. WAIT! Maybe she's busy being a good Muslim and doesn't have time to come onto Facebook. Maybe she's thinking about what to reply with. That is all.

Girlllllll

Umm

If you're going to do something, do it right.

How you doin?

I hope you are well tonight. I'm home early on a Saturday night. I'm finishing up the movie: Schindlers' List. It's excellent. I recommend you see it if you already haven't. I'm matching tonight. I have my NY Yankees hat and pj's on. I feel pretty G at the moment. That is all.

When

I smoke I go outside my back door. After I light up my neighbors immediately close their windows. I'm guessing they open them back up once I'm done. I understand non-smokers do not like the smell of burning cigarettes. Here's the thing: I can not control the direction the wind blows. I wish I could. I really do but I can't. It used to make me feel bad when my neighbors would do this, but not anymore. You want to know why? I'll tell you why. It's because I'm not doing anything illegal. I am on my property. After realizing this my feelings of guilt have gone away. Now when I hear the sound of closing windows I smile. By the way neighbors, I do not close my windows when you're cooking your stanky shit(you know who you are). So my dear neighbors, I do not mind that you close your windows but please do not do it so violently. There is no need for it. The sound of slamming windows is quite irritating. It's not going to make me feel bad. I'm not going to stop smoking. That's the joint, that's the jam.

Charge your iPod with an onion and Gatorade

I shoot

At Big Ben because I have time to kill. I have some time on my hands right now so I'll tell you a story. There once was a boy named Fuck You. He had a female friend named Trouble. One day Trouble stole Fuck Yous' lollipop. Fuck You chased after Trouble. All of a sudden a cop stopped Fuck You and asked why he was running. Fuck You told the officer that somebody had stolen his lollipop. The cop wanted to help so he asked Fuck You his name. He said Fuck You. The cop was upset by this and took him down to the police station. Fuck You was summoned to appear in front of a judge. The judge asked the young boy his name. Once again he replied, Fuck You. The judges' response was: are you looking for trouble young man? Fuck you responded:hell yea, that bitch stole my lollipop. That is all.

I woke up today

Thinking it was Sunday. That is all.

Dr. Phil prank call