The internet

Has allowed certain people to expose their horrendous musical ability.

Chain text messages

I usually ignore these because they are completely retarded. Earlier today I got one from a female friend that asked me to tell her something I've been meaning to say the entire year. Since 2009 was coming to an end, it was best to get it out now. Without thinking I texted:"I have a crush on you." This dumb broad replies with:"lol shut up." Fine. Kind of shocking news, but listen homegirl, we're both adults. A crush isn't a big deal. Then I told her that I was pretty much over it. You know what this bitch says?"Stop being so emo." Emo? The fuck? How is that being emo? I'm not here slitting my wrists. You're not that special. Now not only was I regretting telling her that I had a crush on her, but also regretting have a crush on her at all. Is she that mentally dense? I informed her that I was not being emo. Then she says:" stop being weird?" Huh? Are you fucking serious? Shit. At least have the common decency to say aww or some shit. I'm motherfucking Bali. Show some respect. Oh oh it doesn't end there. She then tells me to watch the movie Blow. Talk about a fucked up way to ignore what I just said completely. Damn at least say you don't have a crush on me. Throw a smiley face at me or something. Damn. Stay on topic shawty. I am Baliwala. I get rejected more by short Pakistani girls than balding middle-aged men. That is all.

I did it again

I got my haircut today. Are you noticing a trend? I've been keeping the top of my head groomed for the past couple of months regularly. I'm going back to my old ways. So I was outside the barber shop smoking a cigarette and on the phone trying to figure out NYE plans with a friend. I look inside and see that the place is pretty packed. I was like fuck. I don't want to wait a long time. I hate doing that at places. I get bored easily. The magazines they have are outdated and I find myself staring at unfriendly people. So I go in and realize that two barbers are in the back having lunch. Then I look over and see the guy who cut my hair the last time I was there. He was cutting the hair of a recent arrival from Pakistan or India. His friend was sitting next to him with a huge grin. Why was he so happy? It wasn't like he was getting his haircut. Fucking weirdo. Then the immigrant got up because he was done. He must have given the cashier a $100 bill because he got a lot of change back. I'm talking about twenties and fives. He starts counting his money in front of everybody happily. Do you think this guy gave the barber a tip? Hell no. His stingy ass went straight for the door. As he was leaving the barber said: "hope have happy new year." As soon as they were gone he started yelling out: "get from here! stupid guy take one hour in my chair." He was visibly upset by not getting a tip. I almost felt bad for him. Just then the two barbers that were having lunch in the back came out. They were two European ladies. One asked me: "want haircut?" I was like fa fa fa sho. During the haircut we were both quiet. Then she asked me what I was studying in school. I told her. Then she says: "back home my sister take English, math and computers. She is very interest in this things." I did not give a fuck about what her sister studied, but I didn't want her to fuck my hair up so I smiled. When I went to pay, Mr. Chubby Arab says:"very happy new year to you!" I think he was expecting me to tip him because the illegal alien from my parents' homeland he just took care of didn't. It wasn't going to happen. I am Baliwala. I'm faded up and ready to party sharty.

Yeah

For the past two days

I was receiving missed calls from a number I didn't recognize. I called back a few times but didn't get an answer. Then yesterday I got a text from the number saying: "dis chris." I was like oh shit! It's my old co-worker Chris that I haven't spoken to in a while. So I called again, but this time I got his voicemail. It was one of those messages where the person rambles on. It went something like this:"I'm unavailable to answer your call, or you're somebody whose shit I am fed up with. If that's the case then don't even bother saying shit. Just hang up the phone." I was like damn. Chris has gotten an edge to him the last time we spoke. A mean streak. I was proud. About an hour ago I received yet another missed call from the number. I was like fuck this, I'm going to call and make sure he picks up. Well, there isn't any way I could make sure he would pick up, but you get the point. So I call and he picks up and sounds groggy. I say:"YO! Waddup Chris!" The reply was:" yea yea yea yea." I was surprised. I thought he would sound more enthusiastic about talking to me. I mean he did try to contact me first. Then I say:" It's me. *inserts real name*" Then he says:"Oh sorry. Must've been a wrong number." Fuck. Talk about a waste of time. Shit man. Chris homie, where are you? Are you alive. Now that I think about it, I should have struck up a conversation and made a new friend. Missed opportunity. I am Baliwala. Please leave a detailed comment with your name and phone number. That is all.

Yesterday

I lived the life of a Pakistani housewife. Let me explain. When I woke up and went for my morning cigarette I saw that it was snowing. I got into mental shoveling mode. This is where I imagine myself shoveling snow. Definitely G status. I suggest you try it. So I go inside and get the necessary tools for the job. I want give you a long story about what happened, but I'll say I was like a rabid pit bull without a leash. I was a monster. Then when I went back inside to get some salt, my mom said that I should disperse the salt generously. I was like fa sho and saluted her like I was in the army. When I was done with that I felt like doing more chores. I don't know why. I had a pep in my step. I was bouncing around. So I clean my room. Shit was sparkling. I was very thorough. It didn't even take me long. Maybe I should do that for a living. Then I was like na uh. I'm not done. I vacuumed the entire second floor including my room. You should have seen me. I was pirouetting around the vacuum. Making it turn in ways I thought were impossible. I damn near moon walked. Do you think I was done? Is the Pope Jewish? I went to the bathroom and made it look brand new. I used more chemicals than Paris Hilton does on her face. Shit was insanely clean. It was so clean I felt like putting a sign on the door that said "out of service" because I didn't want it to get dirty again. My dad then told me that he needed help with his new mp3 player. I was on the family computer and had to download a bunch of shit for it, so in the meantime my parents and I enjoyed funny Punjabi poetry on Youtube. This is where I started to reflect on the day. The realization that this was the typical life for a woman in Pakistan hit me. I was pretty ashamed. No lie, but I found comfort in knowing they couldn't do the things I had done with my style. Then I took a shower. Afterall, I did work hard and was quite sweaty. I busted out a brand new bar of soap. That's how I get down. Then I got myself a burger. I damn near inhaled it. There was very little chewing. That's how hungry I was. I then thought about how much work I did that day. All of a sudden I fell asleep. When I woke up I smoked a cigarette. The smoking a cigarette part is probably the only thing that doesn't fall under the Pakistan female category. Actually, it probably does. God knows. I am Baliwala. My hips don't lie.

Disregard

The previous entry. I had lots of energy for ten minutes then crashed and fell asleep. I woke up with a headache, but now I'm fine. I know you guys just had a sigh of relief. Take my advice and do not mix sugar cookies with coffee. Lives can be destroyed. Once again guys, I'm fine. Don't worry, but sending me money and get well cards is highly encouraged. I am Baliwala. I am happy to be alive. That is all.

Sugar cookies and

Dunkin Donuts caramel coffee is bliss. So I was in the mood for something warm to drink due to the cold weather. So I decided to make a trip to the local Dunkin Donuts. Before I left my mom said she could make a pot for free. I told her that I was in the mood for something a little different. Then my dad said that I should sit there by myself and drink coffee since I didn't want to drink it from home. The scenario ran through my head and I finally imagined what it was like to be homeless. It sucks. I almost felt bad enough to stay home, but I was like fuck it. The place was dead as soon as I entered. The recent arrivals from India and/or Pakistan behind the counter were having a laugh about something. Probably something related to Tom&Jerry. Just a guess. When I approached the counter I was greeted by a smile unfortunately. I say unfortunately because this kid had a horrible set of teeth. The two in front almost reached his chest. I kid you not. The teeth were far from clean. They didn't have stains, they were rusting. True story. So I order a caramel coffee and he literally says:" he ha huh huh haaah." I said what? Then he says: "Would you like cream and sugar?" I told him to hook it up. Then he just hands me the coffee. I have a feeling I could have walked out without him saying a word, but I'm not that cruel. So I asked for the total. He replied with: "he he haaaaaaa ho ho hooo." I said what? He said $1.16. I think he was fucking with me. When I got home I went straight to the kitchen. Then I saw these homemade sugar cookies. I thought it would be a good idea to dip the cookies into the coffee. Before I dipped the first cookie, I whispered:"fa fa fa fa sho." I suggest you try this sometime no matter what you do. It gets you mentally prepared to take on the world. The combination was amazing. I hope one day you marry a sugar cookie and coffee in your mouth. I am Baliwala. I got diabetes in the last two hours. That is all.

I'm all about that chedda

Blog question 1

Q:At what point should a desi girl [brought up in a strict typical household] tell her parents of a boyfriend? What if she has no intentions of marrying him but they've been together for a long time?




A: I don't know how old you are, and I don't know what your definition of a long time is. With this being said it seems like you're just using this guy for sex. If you actually liked him you would at least tell your mother about him. You have decided to keep him your dirty little secret. Shame on you! On a serious note, you should at least tell your mother. If you've been with him for a while that means he's obviously special to you. Chances are that if you don't tell at least one parent about him they'll find out on their own and be way more pissed then you ever imagined. You said you don't have any intention of marrying him, so imagine if they found about him after you guys broke up. Mull it over. Tell your mother at least. I am Baliwala. That is all.

Word of the day 40

scru⋅pu⋅lous [skroo-pyuh-luhs]


1. having scruples; having or showing a strict regard for what one considers right; principled.
2. punctiliously or minutely careful, precise, or exact: a scrupulous performance.

Can you telling me the timings?

Check it out

I rarely read other peoples' blogs because I'm too busy reading my awesome shit, but this one is definitely worth a look.



http:/www.iblegend.blogspot.com

After seeing this

I know why you're a single lady.

People who do not

Dress according to the weather are retarded. So it's winter in Chicago and obviously pretty cold. People are using their heating. Down jackets are seen everywhere. Scarves and hats are being worn. Keep this in mind. So I'm at home chilling with my flannel pajamas and hoodie, ya know, being a baller. Staying true to my G status. Then I get a call from a friend. We talk for a bit and decide to get something to eat. He shows up about a half hour later. I hop in the car and notice that the heat is unbelievably high. I tried to ignore it, but it was bothering me. I had on a coat, a button shirt and a thermal shirt underneath. I come prepared. We decide on our destination and head towards it. He had on a North Face fleece. This didn't surprise me. It wasn't freezing, just chilly, and this was proper attire. After conversing for a while, the heating started to stifle me. I didn't want to be rude so I didn't say anything. After some time I couldn't take it anymore. I said turn that shit down. He did. We find parking and get out of the care. You know what this motherfucker was wearing? Fucking nylon track pants. Oh it gets better. He had on god damn slippers. Yes that's right. Fucking flip flops. He might as well been barefoot. I look at this guy and was like what the hell is going through your head? You've lived in Chicago your entire life and you're wearing this? He told me he wasn't cold as he shivered. As we headed towards the restaurant I hoped that we wouldn't get kicked out because he didn't have the proper attire. If I owned a restaurant and I saw a guy come in with slippers during winter, I would boot his ass, but I'm a douche. Keep that in mind. When we left of course he shivered again. Then he finally admitted to being cold. I just shook my head as I sipped on my coke and smoked my cig. We get in the car and he blasted the heat once again. He's going to India tomorrow. I think he thinks he's already there. I am Baliwala. I will never get frostbite. That is all.

So on Tuesday

There was a small concert going on at a local community center. My dad said I should show up. He said that there would be free food and they could use some help. At first I was not willing to go, but I said fuck it and went. I got there at about one pm. As soon as I walk in I hear Bollywood songs from the 70's. The voices that were singing these songs were terrible. My God, it sounded like they were being slowly killed. My dad didn't lie about the free food. They had those fucking bear graham crackers and cubes of American cheese next to it. I saw my uncle there and I was relieved because he is a manager at a Desi restaurant and I hoped he had catered the event. Guess what? He didn't. He told me that people brought food that they made. Great. Just fucking great. If I wanted to eat it would have to be food prepared by people who didn't know what soap was. Fucking bacteria in a bowl. I regretted not eating before I came. So I sit down with my uncle and started watching this "concert." There was some guy in his 60's who sang a song I never heard. Well, I probably heard it before but his voice sounded like he had been stabbed in the larynx multiple times with a rusty knife, so it was hard to understand what the fuck he was saying. Next to him was some greasy-haired motherfucker with a huge smile on his face. He was banging away on what looked like a Fisher-Price electronic keyboard. This guy was having the time of his life. God bless that goofy bastard. What amazed me is that people clapped a lot after he got done singing. I clapped too, but out of pity. They clapped like they enjoyed that shit. Then some girl who looked like she was in her 20's stepped up to sing. You know what this bitch did? She took off her shoes. Who the fuck takes off their shoes to sing? I don't want to be mean, but she looked borderline retarded. She was cock-eyed and had a crooked smile on her face. She started singing: "Churaliya hai tumne", a very popular Hindi song. Guess what happened? She fucked it up. Big shock man. By this time I had enough. I went outside for a cigarette to get away from the madness and calm down. I go back in and most of the people are gone. What the fuck? Was this some kind of mean joke they were playing on me? I said fuck it and left. On the way home a couple of friends called and said they were around my area. I said I would be home in a few minutes and that I would talk to him outside my house. I don't bring most of my friends to my house. You know why? Because I misplace things a lot and I don't want to have to beat somebodys' ass and then have to apologize later when I find the missing item. Especially if it's a female. So they came by and I stood in the cold and talked to them. All of a sudden some woman I had never seen asked me if I lived in the area. When I answered yes, she said she was a real estate agent. She had to open a padlock on a gate on a foreclosed house, but it was frozen. She asked me if I could get a cup of warm water to unfreeze the lock. I swear to God, if my friends weren't there I would have told her to fuck off and walked away, but I have a reputation to keep. My friends think I'm pretty nice and I want them to keep thinking that way. So I go home and get it. I looked like an idiot walking slowly holding a cup of water with both hands trying not to spill it. She had another lady with her and was elated to see that I had brought the H20. When I tried to hand the water to her, bitch snatched it. Whoa there missy! Hold the fuck up. Don't snatch or you'll get drop kicked is what I thought. I couldn't say it though, because once again, I had people to impress. Christmas came early to these people, because they started jumping up and down. They were even happier when they informed me that not only had the lock unfroze, but they didn't use the entire cup of water. Well yippe-motherfucking-yay. Good job. You have done your part to save Earth. Fucking idiots. So I went back to talk to my friends. All of a sudden one of them pulls out a paper bag. What was in the bag? Two donuts. Chocolate donuts motherfucker. Hell yeah. The day wasn't so bad after all. I am Baliwala. I go to daytime concerts. That is all.

Some people take the internet very seriously

Riddle

DJ fresh at it again

Punjabi Music

This is a collection of some of my favorite Punjabi songs. You might have heard some of the songs.



Download link: http://www.sendspace.com/file/jmh35q




(copy and paste into address bar)

Join the Baliwala facebook group

http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=217473795118&ref=ts

My mom on Tiger Woods

Punjabi: "Voods clubbah jaanda si. GROUPIES oday piche si. Ootai gori kuriyan nu milda si. Yasser, oh pre-nup kita?"


English: " Tiger Woods used to go to clubs. Groupies would pay him a lot attention. He also met a lot of white girls. Yasser, did they sign a prenuptial?"

Skill

And hard work go hand in hand. It's true. If you have talent in any area in life, do not let it go to waste. Do not rely solely on your skill to carry you through life. Always remember that your hard work is what really what shows and will get you places. We all know people who have to bust their ass just to get a B in school. We all know people who have trouble following any type of direction. We all know people who envy others. Think about all the shit they think about on a day to day basis. Don't slack off. Fuck procrastinating. Time waits for nobody. I am Baliwala. I'm a firm believer that skill and hard work go hand in hand, but you don't have neither.

Q&A 1

The following is a question from an actual person.


Q:"I am a female and my parents sat me down today to let me know that by the end of 2010 they want to find me a guy to get married to. I don't know how to feel about this. I always thought I would find a guy to marry on my own, but things haven't worked out. I am 23 and I feel like I'm running out of hope. What should I do?"



A: I always think parents want the best for their children, but at the same time this doesn't necessarily mean it's what's best for you. It seems like you have had bad experiences with relationships. If you didn't, then you maybe would have rejected this proposal altogether. I hope this doesn't make you hesitant to find a partner. Go out. Date. See what's going on. Tell your parents that you respect their decision and will consider it. I am Baliwala. That is all.



Have a question? Want to know my opinion on something? Drop me a message at pagaljaanu@hotmail.com. If I find it worthwhile I will post my answer here.

Truth

I got my haircut again

This time I didn't wait as long as I usually do. So I walk in and I see the woman who last cut my hair. She was standing against a wall and texting on her phone. She reminded me of a high school student who was bored out of her mind. The place was pretty empty. All of the barbers were sitting in chairs doing nothing at all. It must have been slow because of the weather. So I sit down and right away a portly Arab man says: "want haircut?" I said sure. I sat in his chair and told him what I wanted done. I noticed for the first few minutes he was staring at the woman who was standing against the wall. It pissed me off. His eyes kept darting in her direction. God knows what was going through his mind. Erections while giving haircuts never turn out well. Trust me. I think he did a pretty good job. He actually took less time than what I am accustomed to. Then something crazy happened. Something that did not even cross my mind. He rubbed my head. Yup. He did the same thing that the Gwen Stefani lookalike did to me last time. I'm guessing it's a policy for their shop. The roles were reversed this time. Instead of me enjoying it, it looked like he was having the time of his life. He had an evil ass grin on his round face. I'm trying not to think about it because it makes feel very very uncomfortable. I ran out after I paid. I don't know if I should go back. I mean they know how to cut hair, but this male on male rubbing on head shit is not for me. I am Baliwala. The last two times I got my haircut I was molested. That is all.

Word of the day 39

philander [fi-lan-der]


–verb (used without object)
(of a man) to make love with a woman one cannot or will not marry; carry on flirtations.

Check out

www.karmaloop.com for the latest in urban clothing. Click on the link that is the right corner and receive free shipping on your entire order.

If you lose something

I really won't give a shit. Example: during my senior year of high school a friend and I skipped school. The weather was nice so we decided to play basketball. We played for about an hour. When we got ready to leave my friend realized that his class ring was missing from his finger. He panicked and asked me to help him look for it. The court we were on was surrounded by lots of grass. Even then, I joined in the search. After about 10 seconds I looked at my friend and said:" fuck it. It's gone. Let's leave." I then headed for the car. He urged me to stay back and continue the search. I pretended to do this for about 30 seconds. The entire time I looked at his sad face. I did not feel any remorse. I did not buy a class ring because I thought it was corny as fuck. I thought to myself: "pshh, that's what he gets for wanting to be fashionable." On the way back to the car, while my friend hung his head, he found the ring. I was glad. Not because he found the ring, but because I was relieved that I didn't have to hear him whine about it. I am Baliwala. If you lose your life, then tell me about it. That is all.

Shit is ridiculous

I really need to get a girlfriend. I speak English. I am not deformed. I'm kind of funny on rare occasions. I know how to type. I like cheeseburgers. I have pretty good hair. I can be nice sometimes. I wear slippers. I smoke..I mean I DON'T smoke. I can do 4 push ups. I'm a good listener, especially when I'm sleeping. I like to sleep. I know how to shave. I take showers at least twice a month. I am Baliwala. I'm looking for my princess. That is all.

Give me at least a dollar

For the tiring effort I've put into this blog. I've made you laugh. I've made you cry. I've made you think,and I know you're dying to thank me. This is an opportunity to do so. Just click on the button below and generously donate to the Baliwala fund. The proceeds will go to food, for me. I am very skinny and need to gain weight. This is a righteous cause. Thank you.

MSN emotional rollercoaster

What did you just say bro?

I shouldn't be showing you this

Let me tell you

About the first time a girl asked for my phone number. I was 15 years old. It was the summertime and a friend and I went to an Indian Independence celebration. It was pretty boring. All we did was walk around and eyeball people. I noticed a petite girl with a blue shirt on who was walking around with a friend. Now that I think about it, I had a blue shirt on too. She had a pen and paper. She was walking up to groups of guys. I was too far away to hear what the conversation was about, but I knew it was brief. About a half hour later she approached me. The first words out of her mouth were: "what's your number?" I felt shocked. This had never happened to me. Did my hours of singing boy band songs in front of the mirror finally payoff? Was the cheap hair gel I was using finally paying dividends? I replied with: "why do you want my number?" Her friend gave me a dirty look and said:"maybe cuz she wants to holla at you?" I had only heard the word "holla" on MTV. I really did not know the definition. I was reluctant to give out my number. I did not have a cellphone, and was apprehensive to give my house number, but I did anyway. Mostly out of fear. Then she just walked away. I got pretty pissed. So you want my number, but you don't want to talk further? I felt like somebody asked me to take a survey. I felt used. Like a piece of meat. I was emotionally distraught. No I wasn't. I felt pretty good about myself. During the rest of the day I was hoping that the same girl, or any girl, wouldn't ask my friend for his number. If they did then I wouldn't have anything to brag about. I am Baliwala. I'm still oblivious to when girls flirt with me. That is all.

I hope

The new header scares you. I can actually see you. So be careful about what you do while you're here. I am Baliwala. I didn't mean to creep you out. That is all.

Healthcare-watch this

Download Link-http://www.megaupload.com/?d=U2NZKQYV(copy and paste into address bar)

Guys who constantly look

For a love or even a girlfriend online should be banned from life. Yes I said it. It's one of the many things in life that need to be said. I know you're not attractive. It's okay. Girls tend to go for guys with good personalities...wait...your personality sucks. Your idea of a good time is to sit around and discuss Star Wars or recreate the the signing of the Constiution in your basement. Sorry dawg. Girls do not like that shit. I know when you were younger you settled for being single. Then you discovered the internet and all its' endless possibilities. First you realized you could see free pornography. You were overwhelmed with joy with this. Then you found out you could play nerdy games. This was the cherry on top. When you least suspected it, you realized that there were girls online you could actually talk to. You probably shit bricks when you found this out. Not only could you talk to girls, but some of them were very attractive. You had a chance to make conversation with them. Now your balls were tingling. So, you decide to join a number of social sites in hope of finding your dream girl. You never put up a picture, because as stated earlier, you are extremely unattractive. If you did put up a picture, it was probably of a rose with the text saying "yours forever", or your favorite anime character. You immediately went on the prowl looking for your victim, I mean potential partner. Then you realized the best thing about the internet. You could actually think about what you were going to say before you said it. This made you grab your inhaler. Not only that, you wouldn't be judged on the overalls you were wearing since you were 12. So you strike up a conversation with a pretty lady. Tell a few jokes. Throw in a bunch of emoticons. Things are going good. She replies with lols and such. You're actually making her laugh. This is a new feeling for you. You are overjoyed. After a period of time, when you feel comfortable, you ask for her number. Then the hammer drops. She says she has a boyfriend. Let me clarify. She's probably lying. The only reason she is talking to you is because you won't leave her alone. You attack her with messages the second she even thinks about her computer. She feels sorry for you. Her and her friends are used to guys like you. Your world has just crashed. What do you do? You prey on another unsuspecting female. The cycle continues and before you know it you are a certified e-stalker. With time you master the skills of: finding out peoples' addresses, finding out what schools girls go to, then showing up and pretending like you're apart of the student body. If she has pictures of herself anywhere online, you will stop at nothing to find them and print them out. They will go on your ceiling as you lay in a bed which is surrounded by scented candles. Fast forward. You're now 33 and on To Catch a Predator. I am Baliwala. If you're a girl and reading this, please please fall in love with me. I'm a really really nice guy. That is all.

Word of the day 38

Tef⋅lon [tef-lon]

1. Trademark. a fluorocarbon polymer with slippery, nonsticking properties; polytetrafluoroethylene.
–adjective
2. characterized by imperviousness to blame or criticism: a Teflon politician.

Philosopher

Last night

I had a dream about my ex-girlfriend. The dream started off by us being in a house in the woods. I won't lie she looked very attractive. The next thing I remember is that she pulled out a shotgun. A few others popped out of nowhere and had guns as well. I put my hands up. My jaw hit the ground. I remember staring at her chest. Don't ask me why. The next thing I know I woke up and was face first on the ground. The first thing I did was check all the drawers in the house. Bitch stole everything. My first instinct was to call the cops. After some thinking I pulled out a gun and thought that I should find her myself. I am Baliwala. I have a hard time telling the difference between my dreams and reality. I feel bad for my ex because I'm going to show up at her house with a machine gun and ask for my shit back. This should be fun. That is all.

Guys who

Feel the need to tell other guys about their sexual escapades are clearly virgins. It's damn true. Let me tell you a tale I was told a few years ago. The person who told me the story was not attractive. His hair resembled something that belonged on the head groomed poodle. To make matters worse, he had a thick Pakistani accent to match his deranged personality. Even with this being said, I would not be surprised if he got women, but the story he told me made absolutely no sense. He texted saying that he had 50 shots and 16 beers. Really motherfucker? If you had that much to drink I'm sure you would be dead. The text went on to say that he needed a ride. I obviously knew he was bullshit lying so I said I was not able to pick him up. Even if for some odd reason he was that drunk, I still wouldn't have picked him up. I didn't know him very well and I had class the next morning. I have priorities man, priorities. The next day he called and said that a very attractive woman took him back to her apartment. According to him they engaged in every sexual position that is seen in pornography. I kept my mouth shut. I did this because when people bullshit lie and you call them out on it, all they do is lie more. So there's no point. He then went on to say they went to a local 7-11 to buy something to drink because he was so hungover. I guess the 50 shots and 16 beers really hit him hard. She allegedly pulled out her wallet exposing her ID. He said he saw the ID which revealed her to be much much older then he originally thought. After seeing this he ran out of the store. There are so many inconsistencies with this story I won't bother to go through all of them, but as you can clearly see, the story is bullshit. If you believe any of the story then chances are you are a bullshit liar as well. So this is a message to all of the guys who lie, exaggerate or even tell the truth about their sexual adventures. Other guys are not interested in hearing that shit. It does not make us want to be you. It does not make us jealous. It doesn't even give us an erection. Please stop wasting both of our time. I am Baliwala. I hope you catch the Herpy Derpees. That is all.

God damn this is good

Je tu rab nu manana, pehla yaar nu maana.

"If you want to please God, be kind to others."

Listen up

You unoriginal motherfuckers, stop trying to be me. You know who you are. I know who you are. Everybody knows who you are. I am not at all flattered by your constant plagiarism. I am not amused by your want to live your e-life through me. I don't think it's cute that you try to rip off my comedic style. I know life isn't fair, but I didn't make you buck-toothed and cock-eyed. Blame genetics for that. Trying to make up for it by doing this is simply a waste. I've tried to be civil, but now this shit is just ridiculous. Just because people don't like you doesn't mean you have the right to rip my shit off and claim it as your own. Some people aren't very well liked. You're one of those people. These people are called losers. Do not test my resolve. Do not make me resort back to the Bali of old. The ruthless Bali that ran around and slapped newborns for sport. The Bali that would give the wrong directions to tourists and then laugh about it afterwards. I am Baliwala. My swag level reaches the clouds. You can't touch this bitch. That is all.

What????

Lil Gangsta

Five Guys

Burgers are the shit. My god I can't begin to tell you how delicious it is. I've heard about this place for a while now so I decided to try it. It shits all over McDonalds and Burger King. The meat they use is much fresher and less processed. They put anything and everything on their burgers. I had hot peppers and Tabasco sauce on mine. Motherfucking delicious. The fries are made out of actual potatoes. Not that weird stuff McDonalds uses. The best part is that after eating, you actually feel your hunger go away. Very good feeling. I am Baliwala. I am so full I can barely move. That is all.

If you are over the age of 18

And you wear braces, I feel sorry for you. Everytime you open your mouth a bright set of mangled metal is exposed. When you smile you expose railroad tracks. You must become tense after meals because you don't want people to see what has become stuck in your mouth fence. Kissing must be a bitch. Usually people kiss for pleasure, not to get lacerations on their tongues and on the inside of their cheeks. You have to keep away from metal objects because of the disaster it might produce from the magnetic attraction. I'm not going to even discuss oral sex. Don't feel bad. Look at the bright side. If you get a paperclip and position between your two front teeth, chances are you will get a radio signal. So don't hesitate to go to a party. If you get stares just bust out that office supply and make friends. Just make sure you don't get an AM signal. Nobody likes AM radio. Not even senior citizens. I am Baliwala. I'm glad my teeth will never rust.

Word of the day 37

dow⋅er [dou-er]


–noun
1. Law. the portion of a deceased husband's real property allowed to his widow for her lifetime.
2. dowry (def. 1).
3. a natural gift or endowment.
–verb (used with object)
4. to provide with a dower or dowry.
5. to give as a dower or dowry.

Baby, you're so bad

There is nothing

Funnier than seeing somebody fall. I, like others, call this somebody "busting their shit." This can happen at a number of locations. Stairs, on a sidewalk, a slippery surface. When this happens in public some people rush to the aid of the victim. I snicker. It usually makes my day, no fuck that, it makes my week. I can't wait to tell everybody I know about the incident. Seeing somebody so helpless for those few seconds is awesome. The best part of the entire situation is the look on their face. The look shows that the person knows what's happening and can't do a damn thing about it. It is shocktacular. You might think that I'm being mean. You might even be thinking "what if that happened to you?" Well it has, and others have laughed. I'm glad I gave them something to laugh about. It was my pleasure. I am Baliwala. I will stick my foot out when you walk by. That is all.

Listen girls

Just because a guy looks at you does not mean he is stalking you. He's not even hitting on you. Relax. You just happened to get into his line of vision, or you were wearing something revealing. Also, us guys are horny bastards. Of course we're going to stare. Please get over it. So the next time you're at Starbucks and ordering your double-mocha-choca-hoca-livin-la-vida-loca-berry twist-half double-smoothie, and the guy at the counter looks you in the face, do not text a friend to say some ugly guy asked you for your number. We all know it's not true. I am Baliwala. OMG! STOP READING THIS YOU CREEP! That is all.

Terror In Mumbai

A documentary about the terrorist attack in Mumbai during November 2008.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=89QR2U03

(copy and paste into address bar)

Things that are G status

-Suspenders
-Vanilla wafers
-Wearing slippers with socks
-Tabla
-Irish Spring soap
-Beards
-Pushups
-Scissors
-Paperclips
-Marlboro Man
-Raking leaves
-Recycling
-Playstation 2
-The word Wank
-Wanking itself
-Red toothbrushes
-Memory foam mattresses
-Hot girls
-Cute girls
-Sexy girls
-Cheeseburgers

Baliwala Tabla-Har Gabroo Download

http://www.sendspace.com/file/2o15v1

(copy and paste into address bar)

The easiest way to make money

Is to beg for it. I am Baliwala. Give me a dollar. That is all.

Answer please

 How many hours do you sleep a day?

• 
  
  2-4


• 
  
  4-6


• 
  
  6-8


• 
  
  8-10


• 
  
  10-12

view results
Free vote poll

When others

Ask why, you should ask why not? Try your best to look at every angle of every situation. Exercise your brain to the fullest. Engage in critical thinking. If you do this, I promise that your outlook on life will be much greater. You will be able to relate to many more people. Your ability to be social will go through the roof. Take the blinders off of your perception and think. Think about how others live their lives. Read as much as you can about different cultures and religions. Find out why people do the things they do. You'll be better off. Trust me. I am Baliwala. I care about you. If you solve a Rubrics Cube, I will fuck it up just so you can solve it again. I care that much. That is all.

Fire!

My hand

Smells like cheap cologne. A friend called me and said he was in my area and wanted to have a cigarette. He showed up with another friend who I haven't seen in a while. I could immediately smell his dollar store fragrance. I didn't mind and conversed with both. After about 10 minutes they informed me that they were leaving. The person who was wearing the skunk, gave me a semi-hug. I didn't mind. I mean I haven't seen the guy in such a long time. When I returned home I began to sneeze. When I put my hand over my nose I smelled something that reminded me of a cheap nightclub. It was his cologne. I am Baliwala. I smell like I just came from a third world country. That is all.

Word of the day 36

fa⋅ce⋅tious [fuh-see-shuhs]

–adjective
1. not meant to be taken seriously or literally: a facetious remark.
2. amusing; humorous.
3. lacking serious intent; concerned with something nonessential, amusing, or frivolous: a facetious person.

People who

Defend douchebags and assholes, are douchebags and assholes themselves. I'm tired of hearing people say that assholes are actually really nice. Bullshit. If somebody only shows that side to certain people, they are an asshole. Also, being an asshole effects both genders. Girls can be assholes too. It's true. I am Baliwala. If you get to know me, I'll be the wind beneath your wings. That is all.

This is what people type in Google to get to my blog

If you want to have

"A conversation with a woman, just ask her how her day was. That's a 45 min conversation." - Chris Rock

There's this dude

In my neighborhood who looks like Elvis. He must be in his 70's by now. He's been living here even before me. He's even had the same shitty car since then. It's gray and rustier than Paris Hiltons' vagina. Disgusting. What gives him the Elvis look is his hair. I don't even know what to call that hairstyle, and I do not want to know. If I ever found out I'd probably die laughing. I'm silly like that. This guy always wears a car mechanics uniform, but I have a feeling he isn't one. I have a very good feeling he gets in his car and drives to an alley, parks and listens to Elvis songs while doing lines of cocaine. Sounds far-fetched, but when I get feelings like this they're always true. I am Baliwala. I tried to check into the heartbreak hotel but it was full. That is all.

Kids on the internet

Log the fuck off. You're rotting your brains looking at bestiality and racist posters. I know you what you guys do. I know what's going on while you're ignorant parents are sleeping. Still not going to log off? Well guess what? Your parents are getting a divorce and it's because of you. Yes Todd, you're the reason. You see Todd, all they wanted was to raise a normal child, but they got you instead. A demented, floppy-haired, overly-horny teenager who spray paints garage doors and uses an array of racial slurs. Oh yeah Todd, they also know about your homosexual experimenting you've done with the guy who drives the ice cream truck. See what you did? You ruined your life. I am Baliwala. I use a typewriter.

Black Friday

Is when people go out and by unnecessary shit. I always hear the excuse of tradition. I don't buy that-(get it???) Black Friday consists of people standing in cold temperatures, wearing ridiculous clothing, yelling out, waiting to beat other peoples' asses to get a toaster. It's pretty much a suburban riot. Don't believe me? Go to a suburb and yell out that a Muslim poisoned their drinking water. You'll have Black Friday. People need to start buying shit when they need it. Also, 99% of the stuff on sale is usually low quality, or if it is a brand name, the price is still very high. I am Baliwala. If I happen to go the Target to buy a some gum and you run into me, I'll stuff you into that fucking washer and dryer you want to buy. That is all.

If you have

A major flaw about yourself, or have done or said something that others can call you out for, please refrain from talking shit. If you do talk shit, do not surprised if people call you out for it when you act like a cunt. People will use the same lines against you for years. When this happens do not smile and say you don't mind because it's old, because the truth is that it still cuts deep. You can try and hide it all you want, but we know wasup. I am Baliwala. If you call me a faggot, I'll bring up the time you made out with a guy at a party. You weren't even drunk bro. That is all.

When I was younger

I could have been a member of the Backstreet Boys or Nsync. It is damn true. I had the entire look: spiked hair, pierced ears, girlish figure(I think I still have that), memorized all of the songs. The only thing that I probably didn't have was the voice. Because of this I probably would have been the shitty backup singer. At least I would have been known though. That's better than nothing. I'm sure most of the uglier boy band lovers would have bought my poster. I thought about making my own group, but couldn't find enough guys to make it. Most of my friends spoke English as a second language. They dressed like middle-aged men. This would not work in the group. I even had a name for it: "PBT"-Pakistani Boy Toys. Extremely homo, but back in the late 90's it would have worked. I am Baliwala. I'm washed up. That is all.

The cypher

A suicide note

That is written by someone that is not suicidal is just an auto-biography. That is all.

Thanks for the heads up dawg

Word of the day 35

ecumenical [ek-yoo-men-i-kuhl]

–adjective
1. general; universal.
2. pertaining to the whole Christian church.
3. promoting or fostering Christian unity throughout the world.
4. of or pertaining to a movement (ecumenical movement), esp. among Protestant groups since the 1800s, aimed at achieving universal Christian unity and church union through international interdenominational organizations that cooperate on matters of mutual concern.
5. interreligious or interdenominational: an ecumenical marriage.
6. including or containing a mixture of diverse elements or styles; mixed: an ecumenical meal of German, Italian, and Chinese dishes.

LIsten up!

http://www.sendspace.com/file/ssbpfz

(copy and paste into address bar)

Sleeping at night

Is my biggest weakness. If you note the time this entry was created, you'll have proof. With this is mind it is safe to say I get most of my sleep in the morning. The thing is noisy motherfuckers do not allow me to rest. The street on the side of my house is getting repaved. It was started about a week ago. Yesterday morning a truck came to clean the sides of street. Because of this people were not allowed to park there. Signs were put up. Do you think that would have been enough to inform people? Not according to the City of Chicago. The truck that came had the most obnoxious horn imaginable. This shit had circus sounds in it. I kid you not. At first I thought it was a car alarm. But this shit went on for 10 minutes straight. It sounded like a demented ice cream truck mated with a dying elephant. That's the best way I can describe it. I stumbled out of bed and went outside for a cig. When I saw the truck that made all this commotion I got pissed. I was going to whoop dudes ass, but I was tired. Lucky ass. I am Baliwala. If sleep is the cousin of death then I do not have any relatives. That is all.

I'm so funky

I can't stand the smell. I haven't showered today. That is all.

I'm a dumbass

So I'm at the comp doing my thing with a turkey sandwich and a bag of Cheetos. I was chilling, then my dumbass somehow flipped the bag completely over. The pieces of shit went everywhere. I yelled out FUCK. Cleaning it up wasn't a big deal, but I wanted those bitches. Oh well. I am Baliwala: Destroyer of Snacks. That is all.

Pimp

If you

Have swine flu chances are you probably had sex with one. I am Baliwala. It's not my fault you're a pig fucker. That is all.

An update

On my haircut: It still looks ok. That is all.

I need a new

Beard trimmer. The one I have is horrible. It has one setting that almost completely shaves my beard. This eliminates the trimming feature. My older one was the shit, but I lost an attachment so I'm not able to use it anymore. Oh well. At least my haircut still looks decent. I am Baliwala. Stubble looks horrible on my face. That is all.

I got soul

Word of the day 34

per⋅ni⋅cious [per-nish-uhs]

–adjective
1. causing insidious harm or ruin; ruinous; injurious; hurtful: pernicious teachings; a pernicious lie.
2. deadly; fatal: a pernicious disease.
3. Obsolete. evil; wicked.

I got my haircut today

And it looks spectacular. Actually it doesn't, but it looks much better than the monstrosity I had on my head before. As soon as I got into the chair, the barber struck up a conversation. She was Bosnian girl who looked like she was a Gwen Stefani fan. I came to this conclusion after seeing her funky hairstyle. Out of nowhere she started going off about how her 16 year old cousin was a high school dropout. She then went on about how her older sister is a nurse and that her mother wanted her to go into the same field. This was painstaking for me. I did not give a shit about what she was babbling about. Did she want sympathy from me? Was this her way of getting a good tip? She then said that she loved what she did. I was getting annoyed, but glad that the haircut was almost done. Then a customer came in and asked if a barber that left earlier had returned. She picked up her phone and called the absent barber. While it was ringing, she started to rub my head. Shit felt awesome. I won't lie. A part of me wanted that phone to never stop ringing. The person never picked up and she went back to putting the finishing touches on my cut. I tipped her pretty well. Now that I think about it, if she didn't rub my head the tip would have been much less. Just saying. I am Baliwala. If you massage my head I'll give you money. That is all.

Life

Is a risk. That's why I don't have one. That is all.

Just a friendly reminder

Channing Tatum is still lame. No need to thank me. That is all.

Nobody likes

A party pooper, so stop defecating at shindigs. I am Baliwala. I do not have any toilet paper for you. That is all.

English

This motherfucker does not know it exists.

"You should cry about it"

Is what I tell people when I hear about their insignificant problems. These problems include:

-Stomachaches
-Feeling cold
-Being hungry
-Not being able to sleep
-Being bored

I am Baliwala. I want you to exercise your tear ducts. That is all.

My dad on global warming:

"I don't care. Life will go on."

People need to

Stop hiding in the dark against trees. I was walking home the other night and it seemed like nobody was out, but I was wrong. Out of nowhere I heard somebody talking. I jumped. That shit was scary son. When I looked up I saw a man against a tree talking on their cell phone. What made this stranger was that they were on their hands free set, but I couldn't see it. For all I know this guy was probably talking to himself. I am Baliwala. The tree people of the night scare me.

Girls with big feet

Are disgusting. As a matter of fact, when I see a girl with huge dogs, they remind me of aliens. These women should be banned from wearing any type of footwear that exposes their gargantuan hoofs. I have seen girls with toes that are longer than my fingers. It was a horrible sight. Personally, it takes away from the overall appearance of a girl. Nice face. Check. Nice body. Check. Nice legs. Check. Feet...FUCK! I am Baliwala. You know what they say about girls with big feet right? They wear big socks. That is all.

Word of the day 33

jet⋅ti⋅son [jet-uh-suhn, -zuhn]

–verb (used with object)
1. to cast (goods) overboard in order to lighten a vessel or aircraft or to improve its stability in an emergency.
2. to throw off (something) as an obstacle or burden; discard.
3. Cards. to discard (an unwanted card or cards).
–noun
4. the act of casting goods from a vessel or aircraft to lighten or stabilize it.

Question

 Greatest actor of the past 10 years?

• 
  
  Leonardo Dicaprio


• 
  
  Tom Hanks


• 
  
  Denzel Washington


• 
  
  Will Smith


• 
  
  Johnny Depp

view results
Free vote poll

My uncle thinks

Wrestling is real. I can't persuade him that it's not. Everytime I do he says he saw Hulk Hogan beat up six guys on TV years ago. To this day that is what he uses as his evidence. I am Baliwala. When I kick and punch it's for real. That is all.

See me floss

Guys in their 20's

Who are losing their hair are a depressing sight. You are officially in the twilight of your life. Nothing can save you. There is no cure. I am Baliwala. You got 99 hairs on your head and you're are hoping to hold on to each and every last one. That is all.

Play this joke on your parents

Do not show your face to them the entire day, even when they call for you. Eventually one of your parents will try to come to your room. Leave the door closed but unlocked. Make sure you are naked(very important). They'll knock or barge in. Either way they'll enter the room. They'll see you butt naked on your bed. Make sure your hands are on interlocked and behind your head. Have a huge smile on your face. You parents will say:"Why are you naked?" You respond with: "I'm not naked, I'm wearing a smile." Works everytime. I am Baliwala. I love to grin. That is all.

My favorite insult

Is: Saban ka dushmaan(the enemy of soap.) This insult cuts deep into the victim. Think about it. You're telling somebody that they are so dirty that soap runs away from them. Ouch. Even I felt that when I typed it out. This does not only include bar soap but: detergent, bleach and any other product that is used to clean the body or anything in general as well. I am Baliwala. You can smell Irish Spring cuz I'm so clean. That is all.

Love vill find the vay

The reason

I get along with kids is because we have something in common; we are both easily amused. I am Baliwala. HAHAHAHA! I JUST SAW A RED CAR! That is all.

The tortoise and the hare

Raced each other. The hare was much faster than the tortoise and totally whooped his ass in the race. He ran backwards the entire time. I am Baliwala. Speed kills. That is all.

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Sup? I am Baliwala. Nice to meet you. That is all.

By the way

Channing Tatum still sucks. Just a reminder. That is all.

Tell me your problems

In the comments and I'll pretend to care. I'll give you good advice, maybe. I am Baliwala. I'll lend you my ear when I have headphones on. That is all.

My World Series prediction

Yankees over Phillies in 6 games. That is all.

If you go to a

Big university, please stop bragging. They are about 40,000 other people that attend the same school as you. You are not special. I am Baliwala. Your school is not cool. As a matter of fact, you attending it only brings it down.That is all.

Word of the day 32

zaf⋅tig [zahf-tik, -tig]

–adjective Slang.
1. (of a woman) having a pleasantly plump figure.
2. full-bodied; well-proportioned.

I be like hold up!

Shut the fuck up

I will destroy you.

Caffeine

Makes me post. I am Baliwala. Pepsi is my drug on choice. That is all.

Channing Tatum

Is the worst actor in Hollywood today. Yea I said it. It had to be said. His verbiage reveals that he grew up in the suburbs, then was kidnapped at the age of 13 and dropped off in the projects. It doesn't matter what role he plays, he goes out of his way to prove he is the bastard son of Vanilla Ice. I know why he's in movies. It's because females find him attractive. I get that, but when did being a dumbass because fashionable? This guy sounds like he was hit over the head with a brick multiple times. I am Baliwala. I think Channing is a Tatter-tot. That is all.

Guys who

Lie to other guys to impress them, are pathetic. There is no logic behind it. I can see why they would lie to girls. It is obviously to get into their pants, but why lie to guys? Some might say it is to find acceptance amongst their peers. After much deliberation, I have come up with the actual explanation. The reason is: they are closet homosexuals. Yes. That is the truth. I can see why they would lie to me. They see a young, innocent Pakistani male. They want to exploit my delicacy. Oh well. Now you people know the truth. I am Baliwala. I don't care what car you claim to drive, I'm not going to suck your dick. That is all.

What am I going to be doing for Halloween?

I'll tell you what I'm going to be doing, I'm going to pray for all of your lost souls. While you're drinking and dressed up like transvestites, I will be in deep thought. I will be figuring out ways to save the world while you do The Monster Mash(Youtube that shit). I will have all of my lights on while you find comfort in the darkness of your soul. I'll be fast asleep while you rub that lipstick off of your face-I'm talking about the males. I am Baliwala. My occupation is to stop the inauguration of Satan. That is all.

Juveniles today

Should go to a program like this. It'll change the way they act. I guarantee it.

Wash your hands

You dirty fucks. That's how a lot of germs are transmitted. Take this advice if you do not want to kill your loved ones. I am Baliwala. I don't shake hands. I wave at people. That is all.

People who don't

"Like" talking on the phone are social rejects. Yes I said it. People need to realize that verbally communicating with humans is apart of life. So fuck all of you texters and habitual imers. This is for you. Pick up a phone. Call somebody and have a conversation. Don't know what to talk about? How about: ANYTHING. Shit, anything that doesn't involve you loling. It'll be good for your health. Trust me. I am Baliwala. I will talk to you until your cell phone battery dies. That is all.

Guys who

Say "ma" when referring to females, should be shot. What the fuck are they thinking? Do they know that it is 2009 and not 1873 in the southern U.S.? That is all.

I believe

Sports is the leading cause of heart attacks. Here is my evidence: Game 5 of the ALCS Championship Series between the Angels and Yankees. The Angels jumped out to an early lead. This hurt my fragile heart because I had a financial stake on the game that was on the side of the Yankees. As the game went on, I started to accept the fact that I wouldn't win. Then all of a sudden the Yankees started to whoop ass. Oh shit! That was my reaction. I thought the stars had aligned in Balis' favor. With one chance left Nick Swisher came to bat. This guy looks like Popeye. He has a bulge of tobacco under his lower lip. My hands went over my face. You know why? Because he fucking sucks. That's why. Then I thought, perfect situation for him to become a hero. This would be his chance to redeem himself. You know what he did? Jack shit. That's what he did. I am Baliwala. My TV put me through an emotional rollercoaster. That is all.

People who yell on the phone

Need to cut that shit out, especially after I tell you that you are yelling. We're not in a room or crowded place. Please stop. I don't care if you're on a sugar high. That excuse will not work. I am Baliwala. Can you hear me now? Yes I can. Relax. That is all.

You wanted me to blog about you guys

Here you go. Yea. That is all.

Word of the day 31

lien [leen, lee-uhn]

–noun
Law. the legal claim of one person upon the property of another person to secure the payment of a debt or the satisfaction of an obligation.

Some people are delusional

Most spoken word poetry

Is plain nonsense. I do not understand why people are so fascinated by this. It's usually some guy who is unshaven standing on a stage jitterbugging. He'll have on a funny hat and be leaning to his left side. His eyes will be closed and his hands will make odd gestures. Every few words the "poet" makes their voice louder. For the "poetry" itself, it is usually a bunch of jumbled words. Peoples' reactions are usually "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Easily impressed by some goof. Spoken word poetry is simple. Shit, I can even do it. Here's my attempt off the top of my head: I look for THE coffee grounds....on MY.....pillows of love....AND.....pencils of lust run through...MY genitals like....flies to SHIT.....but my main concern is MY hymen...which IS.....triangular....spectacular.....rectangular *crowd goes ooohhhhhhhhhh* you SEE it's I before E, except after C, cups of juice in MY hands...feel like DIAMONDS of A white woman who IS half black. There. Simple. I am Baliwala. I am poetry in motion. That is all.

I present

Bilal Khan

Hmmm

Please don't

Read my blog to me while I'm on the phone with you. It is very creepy. That is all.

I couldn't have said it better myself

Check out the July and August archives

It's where I wrote most of my entries. Enjoy.

To the woman who

Asked me for a dollar for the bus today, fuck you. Why did you smile when you asked? When you beg for money you should have a look of desperation on your face. I smiled and said no. Guess what? I did have a dollar. As a matter of fact, I had TWO! HA! In your face you commuting female. It's not my fault you forgot to bring the necessary fare to board the bus. Better luck next time. I am Baliwala. There are traces of lipstick on my collar, baby you gotta do some more to get this dollar. That is all.

Wake me when September ends

Nevermind. It's the middle of October. That is all.

Catch up on the latest MMA news and notes

http://www.fightscoops.blogspot.com

Guest blogger

I'm giving you the opportunity to be a guest blogger. Submit your entries to pakinizzle@rock.com. I'll pick more than one to post if I think it's worthy. Let's do this.

Word of the day 30

im⋅pinge [im-pinj]

–verb (used without object)
1. to make an impression; have an effect or impact (usually fol. by on or upon): to impinge upon the imagination; social pressures that impinge upon one's daily life.
2. to encroach; infringe (usually fol. by on or upon): to impinge on another's rights.
3. to strike; dash; collide (usually fol. by on, upon, or against): rays of light impinging on the eye.

The drunk desi neighbor is back at it again

Well his younger brother was. I was annoyed by somebody yelling outside. I knew who it was, so I went to check it out. I stood outside and lit my cigarette. About 30 feet to my left a drunk desi teen was yelling obscenities into his phone. I'm sure that the entire neighborhood could hear him. I tried my best not to laugh, so I turned away a bit. This shit was hilarious. It gets much better though. Out of nowhere he hangs up the phone and starts running away from me. He grabs hold of a garbage can and starts kicking and punching it. LOL! Holy shit. Thinking about it now is giving me the giggles. I have never seen that in my life. He ended the "fight" by throwing the can against a brick wall. I felt bad for whoever the garbage can belonged to. They would probably have to clean up after him the next morning. Then his family came out. He went up to his mother and started weeping. In Urdu he said: "HE HIT ME IN THE FACE!" This made me laugh even more. I went back inside and guess what? I laughed some more. I am Baliwala. Homies be crazies these days. They hurt anyone or anything that talks trash. That is all.

I want it to snow

You know why? Because I love shoveling that shit. That's why. It's about the only exercise I get. Also, I get to wear clothes that make me look intimidating. The articles of clothing are: black coat with black hood, black pants, black gloves, black shoes. The hood covers most of my face. I have my iPod on and I really get into the music. The rhythm of the music paces my shoveling. People usually cross the street when they see me. You would do the same if you saw somebody frantically shoveling snow and wearing those type of clothes. All I need is a black shovel. That would complete the look. The shovel I have now is dark red. Not very intimidating but it gets the job done. I am Baliwala. I want to kill your snowman. That is all.

Dear Diary

Today was a fine day. I got the music in my soul. I'm writing songs and making records. I feel my life is finally whole. I'll outsell Whitney and Janet, Celine and Madonna. I feel a big hit coming

Love, Rhianna.

The Official Baliwala Contest

Yes, you read right. I am holding a contest. The winner will receive a grand prize of one dollar (US currency). Bali, what do I have to do to enter this contest? Write an essay that has at least 200 words. What should I write about? Write about why you think you deserve a dollar. It could be anything. Contest ends on October 13th, 2009. This is not a joke. You must have a Paypal account to join. How will you read my submission. Send your submissions to: PagaljaanuAThotmail.com(replace AT with @).

That girl

In the Beyonce Put a Ring on it video is hot as fuck. Which girl? The girl around the 2:20 mark who's on the right. I am Baliwala. I can be your ivory. You can be my ebony. That is all.

People who stop

Talking to their friends because they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, are pathetic. They go off into a magical world of fantasy filled with unicorns. Cut themselves off of from reality and make up their own. Ignorance truly is bliss. They think that one person is all they need to fulfill their social needs . This is not true. There's a reason there are over six billion people on Earth. Give that a thought. The best part is when they break up. They come start conversing because they "need somebody to talk to." Really? Why don't you talk to your....oh yea, your relationship is dead. I forgot. This goes to show you that some people only talk to you when they need something. They do not give two shits about what is going on in your life. If they get a papercut, it's a fucking tragedy. When you do not show a reciprocation in feelings, you're "mean." I digress. Back to the main topic. So they waste your time and tell you about the good and bad times. How much they miss them. That time where they cooked or bought them something. How life will never be the same. How they want to die(LOL!). It doesn't matter what you say, it will not make them feel better. I recommend this being a good time to read a book or watch TV. I am Baliwala. If you try use my shoulder to cry on I will move out of the way and you will fall on your face. That is all.

I'm afraid to have a daughter

You know why? Because I don't want her to become a whore. That's why. I am Baliwala. I'm sitting in a tree with some a girl. K-i-s-s-i-n-g. First came love. Then came love. Now that bitch has a baby carriage. Bali Jr. was his name. Wants to be like his old. That will be his claim to fame. That is all.

I just took a shower

I feel energetic and refreshed. I feel like I can take the world by the horns. Fuck it. I'm going to sleep. I am Baliwala. I wake up sweaty. That is all.

I'm looking for a girlfiend

My criteria:

-Drop dead gorgeous
-Low self-esteem
-Rich
-Stupid
-Easily influenced by what I say
-Hot
-Not afraid to speak her mind
-Not ugly
-Cute
-Has to have a sense of humor
-Movie buff
-Fan of desi music
-Good looking
-5'2-5'6
-No fatties
-Not crazy
-Hot
-Not braindead
-Has to fall in love with me within the first 3 minutes of talking to me
-Must drink water
-Blueish/greenish/hazelish eyes
-Karate expert
-Has to know that Dr. Pepper really isn't a doctor
-No cornrows
-Has to know that Bollywood is fiction(MY MOST IMPORTANT REQUIREMENT)
-French manicure
-Has to think I'm the greatest thing ever
-Sexy

If you or anybody you know fits these requirements, leave a comment. Or call 1-800-CRIME-TV. Let's do this.

I cried

Yesterday. I can't remember the last time tears came down my face. Cutting onions is a bitch. I am Baliwala. Cry me a river. That is all.

Word of the day 29

Potulent

1. Fit to drink; potable.

2. Nearly drunk; tipsy.

I'm starting to hate the city

Of Chicago. It is never quiet. There is always somebody outside yelling or laughing obnoxiously. If not that, then there are ambulances and fire trucks blazing their sirens. Getting a few minutes of peace and quiet is almost impossible. This is why I can't wait for winter. I hope it is ungodly cold and snows 3 feet everyday. This way all the weirdos can stay away from me. I don't have to deal with people exercising their vocal chords at inappropriate times. I am Baliwala. I am a grumpy old man. That is all.

DJ Pakora

I agree

Obama is a pussy

Yea I said it. He's gone about his presidency entirely wrong. I'm not against bi-partisanship, but it rarely works. There's a reason the American public voted in a Democratic majority to Congress. It's because they were fed up with all the bullshit Republicans have done the last 8 years. Mr. Obama, stop being a pussy and put your foot down. Your party is in control. Man the fuck up. Start passing some shit. The Republicans will never accept you. That is a fact. So gather up your blue boys and get something done. Stop trying to get people to like you by going on late night talk shows and making semi-funny jokes and put your words into action. I am Baliwala. The only change I see is color. That is all.

You are

The company you keep. It's true. If you associate yourselves with pedophiles chances are you think it's ok to interact with 12 year olds because "they act older then their age." If you mainly talk to drug addicts chances are you will be offering oral sex in exchange for a crack rock and a smile. If your group of friends mainly consists of one race or ethnicity chances are you are a racist. I am Baliwala. I do not have any friends. That is all.

Whatever you say. Just calm down.

What?

I changed my mind

From now on I would like to be called Bali Bailamos or Mr. Bailamos. That is all.

When a girl

Babbles on and on, it's called titty less rambles. That is all.

NFL week 3

Titans +2 at Jets. Let's rock it.

My favorite shirt

People need to stop

Starting off their sentences with "honestly." Why do you have to preface what you're about to say with that? Are you usually dishonest and have to let people know that in the present moment and time you're telling the truth? I am Baliwala. Honest to god dude, seriously man, on the real yo, all joking aside, on some G shit, I don't care how this sounds but, cut that shit out. That is all.

Homosexual construction workers

I grabbed breakfast from McDonald's this morning. While I was in line there were three construction workers in front of me. I was under the assumption that these people were masculine, but boy was I wrong. The guy who was directly in front of me began to stretch. Now I have no problem with people stretching, but when somebody is poking their hip out and striking a pose like Lady Gaga, then I do. I swear to god this guy might as well been have giving me a lapdance because that's how close his ass was to me. To make matters worse, he then proceeded to play fight with one of the others. He poked him and then brought his hands to his face and starting giggling. The entire time he kept on looking back at me. I stared at the menu to distract myself from the pre-sodomy ritual that was taking place in front of me. When I left, I continuously looked behind to see that I was being followed. I was scared. No lie. I am Baliwala. I don't want you to put your bologna in my toolbox. That is all.

I deleted

About 20 people from my Facebook.

These people included:

-Wannabe Desi djs/mc's
-Cambodians
-Club promoters
-Girls who use models pics as their own

I am Baliwala.I just hand palmed your grill and you probably don't even know about it. That is all.

Sup?

I suck at fantasy football

I lost in both of my leagues today. That is all.

So I got my haircut

After about a month and a half. My hair grows very fast so I usually get it cut every 2-3 weeks. Before the haircut, I looked like I could have been apart of the Beatles. It was horrible. I find haircuts to be very relaxing. I almost fell asleep a few times in the chair. No lie. The only reason I didn't was because the barber kept on hitting me in the face with a brush. I am Baliwala. I'm lined up and ready for bidniz. That is all.

Californication- Season 3 Episode 2

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=6K0544TW

copy and paste into address bar

Californication- Season 3 Episode 1

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=YJ0CY92W

copy and paste into address bar.

It seems that older girls

Are still into guys who are: uneducated, drug addicts, and look homeless. I thought this phase for them would pass once they exited high school, but I guess I was wrong. Before I could understand this because of their age, now it just baffles me. Females will always tell you that they want the opposite. That's bullshit folks. Yup, complete fresh out of the bulls' ass bullshit. Females will also tell you that these rejects of society are actually nice. Really? Let's see how nice he is when he robs you and your family at gunpoint. Let's see if you'll call him sweetheart then. There comes a time in a mans life where he needs to drop the tough guy act. Where he needs to stop using drugs and alcohol constantly and function in society. This time comes sooner for some, while later for others. If you smoke blunts during the day while listening to 2pac, you need some growing up to do. If you find humor in robbing the elderly, you need some growing up to do. If the main part of your wardrobe is a NY Yankees fitted hat, you need some growing up to do. You might think it's cool. Shit, others might even think it's cool, but it's not homie. It's very pathetic. I am Baliwala. I ain't no pistol poppin pop tart. That is all.

I just downloaded

The top 40 singles from June and I haven't heard over half of the song. I am Baliwala. I still listen to NSYNC. That is all.

AHHHHHHHHH!