So on Tuesday

There was a small concert going on at a local community center. My dad said I should show up. He said that there would be free food and they could use some help. At first I was not willing to go, but I said fuck it and went. I got there at about one pm. As soon as I walk in I hear Bollywood songs from the 70's. The voices that were singing these songs were terrible. My God, it sounded like they were being slowly killed. My dad didn't lie about the free food. They had those fucking bear graham crackers and cubes of American cheese next to it. I saw my uncle there and I was relieved because he is a manager at a Desi restaurant and I hoped he had catered the event. Guess what? He didn't. He told me that people brought food that they made. Great. Just fucking great. If I wanted to eat it would have to be food prepared by people who didn't know what soap was. Fucking bacteria in a bowl. I regretted not eating before I came. So I sit down with my uncle and started watching this "concert." There was some guy in his 60's who sang a song I never heard. Well, I probably heard it before but his voice sounded like he had been stabbed in the larynx multiple times with a rusty knife, so it was hard to understand what the fuck he was saying. Next to him was some greasy-haired motherfucker with a huge smile on his face. He was banging away on what looked like a Fisher-Price electronic keyboard. This guy was having the time of his life. God bless that goofy bastard. What amazed me is that people clapped a lot after he got done singing. I clapped too, but out of pity. They clapped like they enjoyed that shit. Then some girl who looked like she was in her 20's stepped up to sing. You know what this bitch did? She took off her shoes. Who the fuck takes off their shoes to sing? I don't want to be mean, but she looked borderline retarded. She was cock-eyed and had a crooked smile on her face. She started singing: "Churaliya hai tumne", a very popular Hindi song. Guess what happened? She fucked it up. Big shock man. By this time I had enough. I went outside for a cigarette to get away from the madness and calm down. I go back in and most of the people are gone. What the fuck? Was this some kind of mean joke they were playing on me? I said fuck it and left. On the way home a couple of friends called and said they were around my area. I said I would be home in a few minutes and that I would talk to him outside my house. I don't bring most of my friends to my house. You know why? Because I misplace things a lot and I don't want to have to beat somebodys' ass and then have to apologize later when I find the missing item. Especially if it's a female. So they came by and I stood in the cold and talked to them. All of a sudden some woman I had never seen asked me if I lived in the area. When I answered yes, she said she was a real estate agent. She had to open a padlock on a gate on a foreclosed house, but it was frozen. She asked me if I could get a cup of warm water to unfreeze the lock. I swear to God, if my friends weren't there I would have told her to fuck off and walked away, but I have a reputation to keep. My friends think I'm pretty nice and I want them to keep thinking that way. So I go home and get it. I looked like an idiot walking slowly holding a cup of water with both hands trying not to spill it. She had another lady with her and was elated to see that I had brought the H20. When I tried to hand the water to her, bitch snatched it. Whoa there missy! Hold the fuck up. Don't snatch or you'll get drop kicked is what I thought. I couldn't say it though, because once again, I had people to impress. Christmas came early to these people, because they started jumping up and down. They were even happier when they informed me that not only had the lock unfroze, but they didn't use the entire cup of water. Well yippe-motherfucking-yay. Good job. You have done your part to save Earth. Fucking idiots. So I went back to talk to my friends. All of a sudden one of them pulls out a paper bag. What was in the bag? Two donuts. Chocolate donuts motherfucker. Hell yeah. The day wasn't so bad after all. I am Baliwala. I go to daytime concerts. That is all.