oh no!

[22:34] baliwala: LOL
[22:34] alkamist: u need people like me i promise you u will see a change in the force
[22:35] baliwala: change the force?
[22:35] alkamist: your internet experience might have some turbulance in it

Some of you

Mofos are way too easily amused. Some of you would die laughing if you saw a tree branch swaying in the wind. If I showed you a picture of a dead homeless man, you're stomach would hurt from chuckling. You know why? Because you do not know the meaning of comedy. I blame the internet for this. It has given too many people on this Earth a voice. Meanwhile, worthwhile guys like me, are lost amongst the stupidity. It's like drinking a soda without fizz. It's like watching the NBA without Jordan. It's like J-LO without her booty. These are the same people that keep washed up mofos like Adam Sandler relevant. One particular person comes to mind. A girl in one of my classes earlier this semester. This hairy-armed gorilla would laugh at everything the professor would say, even when she wasn't trying to be funny. At first I thought she might have been mentally challenged, but after further observation I realized her funny bone was too big for her body, and it needed to be removed. I used to laugh at her because I like laughing, but then I quickly changed my mindset. What made me do this was seeing her arm hair, which I mentioned earlier. That shit made me very upset. Call me crazy, but I feel that women with hairy arms should be limited in their laughter. Weird, I know, but whatever. I know what you're thinking...what if they get their arms waxed? The answer is yes. They can giggle all they want. I am Baliwala. You'll never see me poke a dead pigeon and laugh. That is all.

Check out my moves

Allow me

To reintroduce myself. I am Bali, but you can call me Bali. I apologize for my brief absence from the world of blogging. I'd tell you why I haven't blogged, but then I'd have to kill you...JK! Hehehehe! Anyway, let me share a short tale with you. Gather around. A couple of weeks ago I was standing outside of my institution of learning, or what others might call "school." I was waiting for my next class. While I waited I was smoking a pre-rolled tobacco product, or what others might call a "cigarette." Just a few moments before I was done a female approached me and asked if she could have a cigarette. I usually don't give them out, but I did this time. You know why? Because she was attractive. Yeah, it's true. My male instincts kicked in and said fuck it. Being the world class gentleman I am, I asked her if she needed a light. After she was done using my lighter, she said I shouldn't have a white lighter because they were bad luck. She said this as she was walking away. I had never heard this. I asked her why it was bad luck but she didn't answer. I had an urge to run after her. Maybe even tackle her to get my response, but I had to get to class. I haven't seen her face since. Does anyone know why white lighters are bad luck? I'd Google it but I'm too much of a wuss. I am Baliwala. Things in my pocket bring me misfortune. That is all.

Answers 5

Ask me more questions

This time really try to pry into my mind. Let's do this.

Fuck you too

Leave me alone

The trip to school this morning was

Wonderful. Barely any traffic due to Columbus day and the weather was amazing. My mornings are usually filled with unpredictable weather and car exhaust, so this was a welcomed change. About halfway into my trip I stopped at a red light. I looked over to my right and saw something I had never seen before. Something that even I, Baliwala, master of imagination and frisbee could not forsee. You know what I saw? Of course you don't. If you didn't you would have stopped reading and gone to read your horoscope or whatever odd shit you stooges do on the internet. I digress. I saw a man who was looking down. Maybe he had something in his hands. Maybe he was looking at his jeans or even shoes, but no, it was not any of the aforementioned things. He was looking at his penis. Why was he looking at his love muscle? Because he was urinating. That's right folk. This guy, who looked fairly normal, was urinating on what appeared to be an entrance to an apartment complex on a busy street. He was a bit paranoid of course. He kept looking to his left, but this disgusting idiot didn't realize something. He forgot about something humans call "the right." You know, the opposite of left. He didn't even bother to look in that direction even though that's where traffic was coming from; both automobile and pedestrian. Then you know what this motherfucker did? He zipped his shit up and walked away like nothing happened. Yeah, that's right. Just walked away like he was just pissing, I mean passing through. I swear to God I was about to call the cops on this counterfeit water planter. I won't lie. I've done the same, but late at night and in alleys. Out of the view of society. Away from innocent eyes and ignorant drivers. And I would never leak the lizard somehwere where people walked. Shit yaar, what was he thinking? If it was an emergency he could have stopped by a place of business. He could have gone to a secluded area. But noooooo, this nauseating piece of scuzzy(yea, that's actually a word. Google that shit),egesta(yea, that's a word too. Damn son, I'm dropping mad knowledge from the library on you drowsy mofos),had no shame. If he were homeless I would have been a bit more understanding, but he clearly wasn't. He was dressed normally and had a messenger bag on. Maybe he used the bag to store many bottles of water and that's why he did what he did. It's one thing to whip it out and spray, it's another thing to do it for an audience. I am Baliwala. I piss in privacy. That is all.

The other day

I was in class doing a "group assignment." I put that in quotations because it's not really a group assignment when one or two mofos are doing all the work. The professor was walking around and "checking on us." I put that in quotations because her bored ass was just bothering anyone and everyone she came in contact with. When she came to our group she sat next to me. She said:"WHO SMELLS LIKE CIGARETTES?!" I put that in quotations because that's what she said word for word. She asked if it was me. Before I could answer the "mature" Italian girl who wears too much makeup and sounds like her voice was raped by a frog said that it was me. I put mature in quotations because that's a nicer way of saying someone who's almost 30 but pretends to be in their early 20's. The professor then said that I stunk. This bitch, wow. This big-bellied, squinty-eyed, overgrown feet and hands having cunt had the nerve to say that to me. After some thought I realized that people like her, or people whose belly cover their feet when they look down are very angry people and say things they are not supposed to. I am Baliwala. I smell like flowers. That is all.

Answers 4

Vote

 Which do you prefer?

• 
  
  Me doing entries through videos?(Not as many entries,will be updated rarely)


• 
  
  Me doing entries through text?(Entries will be updated more frequently)

view results
Free vote poll

I know what I want, do you?

Fill out surveys

Make money

http://www.cashcrate.com/1300030

Blog Answers 3

I am

The one light post on your street that works. I am the $5 dollar bill you find when doing your laundry. I am daylight savings time in the spring. I am the cooler side of the pillow. I am an extension for the paper in your class. I am the water fountain in the middle of your marathon. I am a Fillet Mignon on a Friday night. I am the air bubble in your Nikes. I am what makes your blood clot. I am your emergency brake. I am the Nyquil you take when battling a cold. I am the distance between point A and B. If Johnny had 5 apples, but ate 2, I'd be the 3 remaining. I am the blue and red pill. I am the person who will tell others to leggo your Eggo. I am the kick you use to get the stuck Snickers bar out of the vending machine. I am the aloe in your aloe vera. I am Baliwala. I am the people's champ. That is all.

Blog Answers 2

word of the day blah blah I lost count

con·cu·pis·cent
[kon-kyoo-pi-suhnt, kong-]


–adjective
1.
lustful or sensual.
2.
eagerly desirous.

Blog Answers

Ask me a question

And I'll make a Youtube video answering it. Make sure the question is something that is interesting and can be elaborated on. Submit your questions in the comments below.

sign language

"Peace" "Give me two of those" "Bunny Ears" "I'm going to poke your eyes out" "Your mother is a whore"

I have come to the realization

That fat, ugly, obnoxious bitches stick together. I used to think that these girls hung out with at least one attractive female, but I was wrong. These bitches can be spotted by the following: overweight, dark complexion skin with various blotches, cock-eyed, multiple chins, swine laughter, persistent nasal congestion, taller than the average girl, profuse lesbian banter towards other fat bitches. Also, these girls take pride in academia. There's nothing wrong with that,but when you hold sociology in higher esteem than the opposite sex, it's just an excuse to as why no man wants any part of your Pillsbury Dough Boy resembling vagina. These girls also wait for any chance to publicize if a man has spoken to them. This is usually done via Facebook or Twitter. If you are a female and do not agree with this, then guess what? You are a fat, ugly, obnoxious bitch. If you still deny it after reading the last sentence, then you are the fattest, most obnoxious biznatch on the face of this planet. I am Baliwala. Do some fucking push ups, get a makeover, and drop the "I'm hotter than shit attitude" Just because you smell like it, doesn't make you it. That is all.

Just because

You say something, it doesn't make it true. If you say you have the body of a Greek God you're lying. You just go to a room with a bunch of sweaty men scantily clad and lift heavy objects. If you say you're hot you're lying. You bought a shotgun filled with makeup, put it on the whore setting, and then proceeded to shoot yourself in the face with it. If you say you're smart you are not. You did a book report on Moby Dick for a class at the alternative high school you attend. If you say you have huge tits you're lying. You just shop at Victoria's Secret when they have a clearance sale and buy push up bras. If you say you have had sex with many girls you're lying. You just possess a huge porn collection that is covered in your bodily fluids. If you say guys hit on you you're lying. The only words men say to you are: "How can I take your order?" If you say that all girls are whores you're lying. You just do not have the mental capacity and personality to convince a female to fuck you. If you say all guys are players you're lying. You got cheated on because you're so boring you can't even hold the attention of a fly if you had to. I am Baliwala. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. That is all.

Hell yea

In response to

The comment left on my last entry, please donate to the flood victims of Pakistan. They're are many ways to donate. Even if it's a few dollars, spare it. They need it more than you do.

"Social responsibility: if you are able to do it, then you should."

www.unicef.org
www.redcross.org

Check with your local PIA airline office. You should be able to drop off care packages with essential items.

So

The immaculate son has returned to the world of blogging. Did you miss me? Don't answer that. The answer might break my already frail heart. So I started school this past week. Nothing I was looking forward to, but it what it is as my urban brothers and sisters would say. So I go to one of my classes and spot a girl who I think is Desi. She was pretty cute. After a second glance I thought she might be Hispanic. When her name was read off during attendance I confirmed that she was indeed of the Indian subcontinent region. Chyea boi. Good shit. Looks like I'll be looking forward to coming to this class. She was sitting about 10 feet to the right of me. Her desk was against the wall. I noticed she was looking at me, but when I tried to look in her direction, she would look away. Typical Desi girl move. If I were 17 I would have thought that shit was cute, but I'm not in high school anymore. Bali don't play that lubby dubby shieet, ya dig? When I did manage to get a glimpse of her face, I noticed that she wasn't as attractive as I thought. S'all good. It happens. I wasn't that disappointed. A couple of days later I walk into class and notice she's sitting in the same seat as before. I wisely sit one seat closer to her than I was the previous class. I'm not slick, but I try. There was something different about her. At fist I couldn't figure out what it was. Then after a few seconds it hit me. It was her feet. Her flip flops exposed her crusty ass dogs. That shit was whiter than chalk. Fuck man. That shit was nastier than Paris Hilton's face. I kid you not. What made it worse was that she had a dark complexion, so the contrast made it worse. I was obviously taken aback. I decided to pretend nothing happened and paid attention in class. Something which I try my best not to do. I couldn't help it though. I had to look again eventually. It was like an ugly baby. It's something you don't see everyday, and I wanted the memory no matter how traumatizing it might be. When I looked over again I was horrified. She was caressing one disgusting foot with another. She was doing it so violently I thought the dead skin from her feet might fly off and blind me. I had nightmares when I tried to sleep that night. Moral of the story: wash your fucking feet. If you don't the least you can do is hide them. I am Baliwala. When I shower I wash from head to toe, literally. That is all.

Wow

This one goes out to the ho's

Just another reminder

Channing Tatum still sucks enormous hippopotamus scrotum as an actor. That is all

If you are a male

And your main insult, or any of the insults you use against another male is "I look better than you", then you are known to engage in homoerotic activities. You have to realize that females mainly use this insult to dig at women with low self-esteem. If you think saying that to any male is going to show them "who is boss" then you are delusional. Sorry dawg, we all don't flutter our eyelashes towards other males. It just doesn't happen. I have noticed that the people who usually use this insult think of themselves as alpha males, when the truth is that they are suffering the side effects of in-taking too much protein and the ridicule that comes with wearing torn up jeans. Oh yea, that shit isn't cool either. Drop that weak shit. Also, stop wearing shirts with gold embroidering. You look like you got your ass whooped with a gold-plated whip. Back to the topic at hand. Just because you spend time in the mirror tweezing your eyebrows and powdering your face, that doesn't mean other males do that. Your lame attempts at insulting will only make you look bad. Guys won't get up in the morning and say "Gosh I feel so ugly. I wish that guy with the faux hawk didn't call me ugly." You're wasting your time. I am Baliwala. I am so much prettier than you. That is all.

I love messing with Fobs

Great Song

People who

Speak out of turn in class should be beaten with a mallet. What ever happened to raising your hand when you have something to say in a classroom? So check it, sorry about not updating in a while. Shit is getting kind of hectic and I haven't had the motivation to post. Anyway, I'm taking a summer class. I'm getting my G status learn on, ya dig? The class I'm taking requires participation. Cool. I understand. The thing is I find it difficult to speak up because so many people are talking at the same time, or muttering some incoherent bullshit under their stank breath. Some people speak out loud because they think they're funny by making jokes that not even my dad would laugh at. Some people speak about their everyday problems. I don't want to hear that shit. Number 1 because I'm funnier than you, and 2, I'm not your therapist or even your friend. I suggest you find a wall and speak until your lungs collapse. Today somebody raised their hand and said something that had nothing to do with what we were talking about or even the class, which is unfortunately becoming common. This guy raises his hand and says:" I had a job I dreaded going to. One day out of nowhere I got laid off. Now I'm collecting unemployment." Then he proceeds to grin. Really motherfucker? You're proud of leeching off of the government when it is apparent you are sound body and mind to earn a living? I had the urge the get up and smack him in the forehead with my overpriced textbook, but I didn't. I need it to study, and I'm not going to compromise my grade for somebody's pride in laziness. Then there's Ms. Cleavage. This girl wears the lowest tops and is pretty hot. The problem is that she won't shut the fuck up. Anywhere I sit I hear her annoying sideline commentary about what is being taught. She likes to complain about having a kid, working and going to school. Listen bitch, nobody told you to get knocked up. Nobody told you to be in a relationship where money was an issue. Nobody forced you to seek a higher education when you clearly do not possess the mental capacity to succeed in such an environment. I was going to strike up a conversation with her and eventually give her a link to my blog. Looks like I can't do that now. Oh well. I am Baliwala. I keep my mouth shut and take notes. That is all.

lol

Answer

Rachel Bilson

Mila Kunis

 Who's Hotter?

• 
  
  Mila Kunis


• 
  
  Rachel Bilson

view results
Free vote poll

Confronting People

I don't do this often because I am very lazy, but I made an exception for this situation. A friend of mine told me that some guy wanted them to pretty much stalk my Facebook because I was friends with his girlfriend. He wanted this friend to see if I had ever had any communication with his girlfriend in the past year. When I heard this news I got infuriated for some reason. I then sent him a friend request. It was denied. After some research of my own I found out that his girlfriend was on vacation, so he felt free to snoop around. This is what I call a Grade A bitch boy.


Then I get this:




Moral of the story: If you do not trust the person you're in a relationship with, maybe you shouldn't be with them. If you do not have the courage as a man to ask your girl simple questions, you lack testicles.

Stupid shit

Is always going to occur to you during life. The only thing you can do is control your reaction. The mind controls emotions. Always remember that. Strangers will always use their words to demotivate you. Friends will tell you that your ideas are silly. Family will not hold back words of discouragement regarding your dreams. You might even doubt yourself from time to time. It's just as natural as the aforementioned situations. Never keep your head low for too long. Do not let anything get you stuck when it comes to your pursuit of happiness. Never let someone's opinion about yourself outweigh your own. Do not constantly seek approval from your peers because you will never get it. Do not let cultural, religious, or societal "norms" bind you. Do not conform to somebody's view of how life should be. I am Baliwala. When I get buried, I want it to be on my stomach so the whole world can kiss my ass. That is all.

Oh yeah!

Drake

I don't like this motherfucker. He's like a modern day Jon B who raps. Google Jon B. The only people that should like him are girls in high school. If you are an adult male and like the majority of his music, you're probably a homosexual. His songs mainly comprise about he would treat his "girl" right. As a male you are not a girl. Get off that shit. If you feel like you can relate to his music, you are delusional. I don't know much about this guy except that he was on some show named Degrassi. I've never seen that show but judging by the name I know it's lame. Yeah, I judge books by their covers. He resembles a monkey. Yeah I said it. Somebody had to say it. The only song that is decent that he's on is Forever. His verse was pretty good. Then you know what happened? He got murdered by everybody, with the exception of the gremlin Lil Wayne. That's what happened. How the hell are you going to try and make it big when everybody who follows your verse verbally rapes you? Speaking of Lil Wayne, word on the street is that he's in a romantic relationship with Drake. By the way, by word on the street I mean the things I make up in my head. I am Baliwala. Last name ever, first name...aw fuck it. What am I doing? That is all.

Uhhhh

Hmm

To all the girls

That think telling a guy he masturbates is an insult, fuck you. It is the furthest thing from an insult. Every guy does it. If he denies he's a god damn liar. Yea, it's true. To the guys who deny it, stop. You're not fooling anybody. There is no point in acting like an angel when you know you commit this devilish act frequently. Girls, jerkin the yerkin is like second nature to guys. We don't realize we're doing it most of the time. It's an activity that we actually look forward to and enjoy. To those girls who think this act is done out of desperation because we are not able to secure cooch, fuck you as well. We are nasty animals. Get used to it. Sex is something that never escapes our minds. I am Baliwala. He who hesitates, masturbates. That is all.

The other night

When I chillin maxin out shootin, JK! It was about 1 AM and was bored at my computer. I check my phone because it's usually on silent at night, I don't want to be disturbed. I see I have a missed call. I call it back. Nobody is picking up, then just when I am about to hang up, somebody answers the phone. The voice was groggy and fobby. I asked politely who called. They responded with:"I NO CALL YOUR PHONE." I start laughing. This had to be a joke right? Nobody speaks like that. Ok they do but only in movies. After exchanging names and him denying that he called, I ask him if it was possible that somebody might have called my number from his phone by mistake.He replies with:" DIS IS MAH PERSOHNAHL PONE. ONLY I MAKE CALLS PROM IT!" Chill out bhai saab. It was just a question. Guess what? The next day I check my phone and he called again. Is this guy trying to piss me off? Does he wanna throw down downtown? I didn't bother calling back because I didn't feel like laughing my ass off. Or maybe I would have gotten infuriated when he would deny calling me from his "pone." I am Baliwala. I get late night bootycalls from fobs. That is all.

It's spelled differently than it sounds

I have a problem

So I was at a club this weekend. After some time I spotted a very cute girl. I mustered up the courage to go up to her and tried to say hi. She totally ignored me. I felt pretty bad but let it go. Later on when I was leaving I spotted her going to a car with her friends. I thought I should let her know how bad she made me feel so I ran up to her, punched her and smashed her head through one of the car windows. She called the cops (what a pussy right?) and I have to appear before a judge next week. What I want to know is, what should I say to the judge? By the way, if I see this girl again it's on. I don't care how many girls she has with her. It's on. I am Baliwala. I promise I am not violent. That is all.

New banner competition

I'm looking for a new banner. What do you get out of this? I will Paypal you one dollar. That's right. I'm a man of my word so if you win you'll get the money. Submissions can be submitted through the comments or can be emailed to me at PagalJaanuAThotmaildot.com. Replace the AT with @ and dotcom with .com. That is all.

I'm going to stop being so sarcastic

The time has come to stop being so sarcastic. I am getting to an age where I need to be mature most of the time. Also, it has come to the point that people don't know if I'm being serious or not. This can be troublesome especially I am being serious. This is going to take some time to get used to, but I know I can do it. I am Baliwala. This entire post was covered in sarcasm. Sorry. That is all.

I'm actually not

Hey you in the blue

I wanna marry you

My old mattress

So I had this old mattress in my basement taking up space. Last year I bought a memory foam mattress. Shit was developed by NASA. You know what that means? It means I can sleep in space if I wanted to. I decided to sell that bitch on Craigslist because I'm a G status type of hustler. After almost a week of no replies, I got an offer. I was like fa fa sho. I gave the woman my number and we made arranged to meet. We had a conversation on the phone and she seemed really enthusiastic. I found this to be comical. Who the hell gets happy over buying a busted old mattress? Oh well, I was just glad to rid of it. When she was on the way she called and sound elated. She said:"I'M GOING TO BE THERE WITHIN HALF AN HOUR!" Chill out shawty. It's ok. You'll be sleeping on suitable furniture tonight. I get the mattress and take it out the front door to wait for her. She shows up with some dorky mofo, who is probably her boyfriend. They both approach me and look scared to death. I smiled back at them and introduced myself. I wanted to yell at this woman and say:"NOT SO HAPPY TO SEE ME NOW ARE YOU HUH?" I think they imagined to meet a gentle face but got a surprise. I haven't shaved in 3 days and I was pretty tired. I had an annoyed look on my face. The nerd handed me the money very quickly like it's a drug deal. Then I asked if they needed help putting it in their car. They replied with: "NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Holy shit, I'm just offering my help. I didn't offer to eat your first born. Chillax. I am Baliwala. I sell things that I have laid on. That is all.

To the person

Who called me private last night at 2:24 AM, fuck you. I was excited to see that I had a missed call this morning. When investigated further and say the call had come from a blocked number, I wanted to throw my phone against a wall. You are a sad, pathetic piece of shit. I hope you catch a nasty cold and have nasal congestion. I am Baliwala. I had anonymity. That is all.

My classmates

Are among the weirdest mofos on the face of this planet. So I've been busy with school lately and haven't been posting. Along with combing my hair, eating sandwiches, and sharpening pencils I haven't had time to update. I digress. Well I had my first final today. It was a pretty big relief knowing that I was going to be done with one class for the semester. The weather has been great and making me not want to be in school at all. So I get to class and get my thinking cap on. I was all business. I had 2 pens out and even whiteout. Then a classmate of mine who I get along with pretty well walks in. My God, he looked like he was getting ready to lifeguard at a beach for rabbits. You know what this motherfucker had on? You obviously don't know so I'll tell you. He had on furry flip flops. That's the only way I could describe what was on his feet. To make matters worse he had on a shirt that was straight out of The Brady Bunch. I quickly got the image out of my head because I didn't want any distractions. Then my favorite character of the class walks in. I call this guy Mr. Cool. He slowly struts into class as if he's too good to be there. He has a mundane look on his face as he waddles passed everybody to seat which is all the way in the back. The funniest thing about this guy is that if by chance he's on time or even early to class, he'll leave and come back a few minutes later. Yes, you read right. I think he's allergic to punctuality. He always wears a baseball hat. Hats are not allowed in class, but do you think Mr. Cool cares about the rules? Hell no he doesn't. He wants the chicks know about his G'd up swagga 24/7. After some thought, I'm going to call this guy Mr. Ice. So I get done with the final and leave to library to get some studying done. In my next class I was drowned in my own world because I was doing some work. Then all of a sudden the topic of sex was being discussed. I won't lie, my ears shot open. Then out of nowhere a student says this out loud:"Sex with somebody you love or care for tastes better than having sex with a stranger." What the fuck? I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared. What kind of weird sexual encounters has this guy had? I don't want to even know. After some time I look over to my left and see a guy on his laptop. Guess what is open along with a bunch of other sites? Porno. Yes that's right, sexual content folks. Couldn't this guy wait to go home or at least to the bathroom to jerk his yerkin? Apparently not. I turned my face away in fear of what I might see. I am Baliwala. I'm not too cool for school, I don't dress inappropriately, and I view porn only from the comfort of my home. That is all.

Oh yeah!

Gym

Is the most useless fucking class that has to be taken in public schools for children. Let me share a tale with you. Grab a seat ladies and gentlemen. In my senior year of high school I had a hard ass for a gym teacher. This guy thought he was the shit. He was about 5'3. I couldn't help but laugh anytime I saw him. He carried himself like he was Robocop. I digress, anyway, so in the fall of that year our class had to run track. Now keep in mind that the weather was chilly and this class was at 8 A.M. Considering this, a lot of guys did not dress for gym. There were like fuck it. It's cold, early, and I'm a senior. I don't need this Tom Foolery. I was one of those people. The odd thing was he would only get on me for not dressing for gym. I was too tired to mention this to his punk ass, so I kept my mouth shut. One day I decided to conform; I put on my gym shorts(which I'm wearing at this very moment) and gym shirt. So we wait for this guy to come. Of course his midget ass shows up out of nowhere like a goblin whilst wearing his off brand sunglasses. He takes attendance and tell us to run. I start with a light jog. When I pass him after the first lap he starts yelling at me about how I need to pick up the pace. I ignore him. Halfway through my second lap my lungs started to cramp. I felt like I was going to die so I started slowing down. When I pass him again he starts yelling about how I'm never going to become anything in my life because I was not a "hard worker." While he was saying this he motions me over. Then asks me what my race is. Before I can answer he says:"You're a Paki right?" I said yea sure whatever. Then he goes:"Yea, so you'll probably end up driving a cab when you graduate right?" WHOA! Hold the fuck up. Shit just got real deal Holyfield up in this piece. This motherfucker is going to make a racist comment because I don't take his P.E. class seriously? Talk about hurt feelings. I decided to take the higher road. What was the lower road? The lower road would have been me kicking him in his peanut sized testicles and dancing all over him. So I say:"Nope. I'm not going to become a cab driver, I'm going to teach gym like you. I'm aiming for the stars." This motherfucker starts fumbling over his words. Then I tell him that I'm a smoker and running isn't the easiest task for me. That he needed to calm the fuck down. I didn't mean any disrespect. Also, if he wanted to fail me he could. Stupid punk motherfucker. I'm going to visit him one day when I become a billionaire and tell him to lick the dog shit from my shoes. I am Baliwala. I like to slack. That is all.

subliminal message

This one goes out to

All of my Indian/Pakistani/Bengali/Sri Lankan/Nepalese brothers and sisters. Listen guys, stop being so shallow. If you're reading this and are completely denying the fact that you are a shallow person, chances are you're in denial. The truth hurts like an uppercut from Mike Tyson. Now the reason that I have chosen to speak directly to this group of people is: we are almost all products of arranged marriages. That's right folks. Chances are that you were conceived in that manner. What's significant about this? I'll tell you what's significant about this; because our parents did not choose their partners,we are not the best looking people in the world. Once again the truth hurts like the time you found out Santa Claus wasn't real. Keep this in mind the next time you put down somebody because of their looks. Realize that their parents did not choose their partners. Girls:stop taking photos at ridiculous angles. Stop pouting your nonexistent lips and go easy on the makeup. Guys: stop wearing sunglasses every waking moment. Stop wearing shirts that are too tight to showoff your "muscles." To both genders: go easy on the flash. Stop taking so many pictures with infants just so you can steal the compliment intended for the newborn. In the end, just be happy with how you look. Who you are. Where you have come from. Never forget that. I am Baliwala. My parents didn't know each other before they got married, then this bundle of joy brightened their lives. That is all.

Word of the day 43

fru·gal [froo-guhl]


–adjective
1.
economical in use or expenditure; prudently saving or sparing; not wasteful: a frugal manager.
2.
entailing little expense; requiring few resources; meager; scanty: a frugal meal.

I'm going to buy

Everyone in the world a ruler. I'll tell you why; it's because motherfuckers don't know what certain measurements are. I'll tell you a tale as an example. Back in my high school days I was a total bad ass. I smoked 3 cigarettes a week and cut class from time to time. Sometimes I wouldn't even do my homework. I know what you're thinking; I should have gone to jail, but I played the system because when it comes to crime I'm John Dillinger status. I digress. So one day when I was cutting class I decided to head over to the local Subway. Folks, this was when they didn't have $5 foot longs. I was a baller like that. I didn't need a sale to get myself a sandwich. Fuck that. So I walk in. The place was completely empty. Because of this the person working there decided it would be a good time to make himself a sandwich and not eat it, but inhale it. Yes ladies and gentlemen. It looked like he didn't even chew. That hungry motherfucker. When he saw me he pops up and heads behind the counter. I place my order. While I'm waiting an older female walks in. I saw that there was a relatively new Mercedes parked outside that I hadn't seen when entering, so I assumed it was hers. I also assumed that she must have been pretty wealthy and that she frequented Subways. I was proved wrong right away. She asked what type of sandwiches they had. The employee started off by saying that they offered two types of sandwiches; 6 inch subs and foot longs. The woman bit the end of her sunglasses and said:" How long is the foot long?" My mouth and the mouth of the employee dropped in unison. How the fuck did this bitch make it through life without knowing something so simple? I let out a quick "ha". She gave me a cold stare. I didn't give a fuck. It's not my fault she didn't possess common sense. I am Baliwala. How long is that? That's what she said. That is all.

The fob whisperer

I'm not big on saying hello or saying anything to strangers. Just not my thing. This isn't the 1950's. Fuck outta here with that shit. I digress. So the past couple of weeks have been hectic due to midterms. I've been going to class groggy as hell. Some might say even absentminded. So I head down to the library to get my G status pimp-hand strong swagger dagger study on. It's just how I do ladies and gentlemen. As I'm heading towards my destination a huge congregation of people are walking towards me. One of them is a recent arrival from India or Pakistan with slicked backed greasy hair. He looked like he was auditioning for a Broadway version of The Outsiders. As I pass this guy he feels the need to say something to me. Keep in mind that I have never seen this guy in my life. Looking back at the situation now, I'm glad that I didn't. Anyway, he leans over to my ear and whispers: "Go to the class." It was a surreal moment. What the fuck just happened? It's bad enough he surprised me with his broken verbiage, but it's even worse that he had to seductively say it into my ear. Homeboy damn near licked the inside of my ear. He was that close. I was too tired to even look back at this guy. I felt violated so I pretended at the moment it didn't happen. Now that I think about it, it's good that I didn't look back because who knows what the hell he would have done next. He might have tried to kiss me and then looked deep into my eyes. Fucking weirdo. I am Baliwala. I have perfect attendance. That is all.

I'm going to stop

Using the bathroom at my school. Too many odd things happen.

The loud pissers- These are the guys who go off like they're draining every drop of water in their bodies. Just the other day I visited the facilities to leak the lizard. Some dude pulls up next to me to do the evil deed. No big deal. It's a bathroom. All of a sudden I hear the sound of a rainstorm. No big deal once again. Poor guy was probably having an emergency. Maybe he downed a Gatorade too fast. I don't know. Then within 5 seconds I hear a fire hose. Holy shit guys, if there was a fire nearby this dude would put it out within no time. I have a feeling he doused himself in his own filth.

The moaners are groaners- These are the guys who have orgasms when they urinate. I understand relief comes with this act, but there is a limit. These guys have no shame at all. They'll stand right next to another male and grunt as if they're having sex. To make matters worse, they also close their eyes and tilt their heads back. Couple this with the odd sounds they're making, it make me wonder if the urinal is doing something to their junk that is giving them intense pleasure. I don't want to find out.

The feet danglers- I know emergencies occur, even at school. The feet danglers are the guys who have no regrets when it comes to taking a shit at school. I'm not a fan of going #2 at any public place. It's never been my thing. Creeps me the fuck out. It seems that anytime I go to do my business, there is always somebody in one of the stalls battling for their life. It's bad enough I have to hear all the horrible sounds their sphincters make, but it's another thing when it looks like the toilet is swallowing you and your feet are 10 inches off the ground while your have muscle spasms. It is a very disturbing image.

I am Baliwala. I'm going to hold it in. That is all.

I had to post this again

this one goes out to

The old fuck that works at the reference desk at my school library. Don't think I didn't notice the dirty look you gave me as I was leaving. Look dawg, I was trying to kill some time before class and I fell asleep. It wasn't my intention but it happened. My plan was to read a book and leave for class, but shit didn't work out like that G. I venture into your place of work about twice a week and things have gone smoothly. This isn't the first time I knocked out, so what's the beef? Why is all this hostility coming from your sullen eyes which hide behind out of fashion spectacles? I thought you were cool G. You look like a 62 year old version of Moby. Go to Google images and type in Moby. It'll give you a better mental image. Trust me. Maybe you were having a bad day. Maybe you were stressed out from work. Wait, all you do is sit at a computer doing jack shit. That's not stressful. Hell, if I were you I'd knock the fuck out right there. Who's going to stop you? You're the boss! While in my next class I was very upset with you homie. For a moment I thought you were racist. I don't think you're racist. I think you felt I disrespected your place of work, wait fuck that. From what I remember people can get pretty loud. You don't even look at them, fucking pussy. I was actually doing you a favor by sleeping. It was keeping the noise level down. Fuck you old library man. I hope you wake up one day and become illiterate. I am Baliwala. Wake me up when September ends. That is all.

Guide on how not to be a bitch boy

1.Most of your friends should not be female. If you're straight please act like it.
2.If you have vast knowledge of makeup, keep it to yourself. Refer to the second sentence above.
3.If a girl constantly talks about another guy, cut her off. You're not her female best friend.
4.Do not constantly call or text a girl especially if she does not reciprocate. She's just not into you dawg.
5.Cut off any females that only communicate with you when they need a ride somewhere. You are not a chauffeur.
6.Do not do any school assignments for females. If they can not do it on their own, they're dumbasses.
7.Do not pay for bills or any sort, especially if the female is not your girlfriend or you are not receiving sexual favors.
8.Do not listen to a girl cry. If she asks why you are ignoring her, say that you don't want to end up hitting her.
9.Cut off any girls who constantly tell you they have problems at home or physical ailments. Tell them to see a doctor.
10.Do not speak to girls who just flirt. Cockteases cause men to do violent things.

First

I was like

Then I was like

Is it just me

Or is every single rap or R&B song these days made for women? I swear to God I can't get down to this shit. How am I supposed to dance when some guy is talking about a girl with a big booty? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pop and lock to that garbage. That's just not my style. Here's a perfect example: the song "Say aah" by Treysongz. It's a catchy tune, but the lyrics are clearly aimed towards females. The chorus goes:"Open wide, it's your birthday, I know you're thirsty." Let's take a look at this for a moment. The singer is informing a female that it is the anniversary of her birth. He then asks her to say open her mouth and say ahh as if she were getting her throat examined at a doctors office. Most people might think that he is going to pour some type of drink into her mouth, but read between the lines. He is clearly talking about oral sex. I'm sorry I had to break the news to you guys but somebody had to. I think it's safe to say he wants to get her intoxicated so he can engage in sexual activities with her. I'm sticking to my bhangra. Fuck this shit. I am Baliwala. I don't do the rock away. I just pull up my pants and walk away. That is all.

What?

Don't play with guns

My friend used to work at a clothing store in the suburbs a while back. In the summer my friend and I would pay him a visit every Saturday. The store sold urban clothing. That's just a nice way of saying Rocawear and Phat Farm. Time spent there was fun. The store didn't get much business so we were free to chill. One Saturday afternoon a group of guys came in. About four from what I can remember. After 15 minutes of browsing they bought one hat. Seemed weird, but whatever. Fast forward to about 7:30 PM. This is when we were closing the store. While we were doing this I noticed that the same four guys had parked right in front of the store. I paid no attention to it and went back to talking to my friends. About 15 mins later when everything was good to go, I noticed these guys were still there. I informed the owner of the situation. He tells me to come with him. He takes me behind the counter. You know what this motherfucker does? He pulls out a handgun. He says that when we go out if "anything goes down" I should pull it out, but not fire because it was loaded. Then he pulls my belt forward and sticks the gun down my pants. This is when I realized having a gun down your pants is only cool in the movies. I didn't want to lose a testicle. I was like whoa whoa whoa cowboy, I don't think this situation is that bad. I just wanted to point out something I thought was fishy. For Gods sake, we were in a White suburb. What's the worst that could happen? We leave the store without any problems. We get into the car and my friend says that I should put the gun, which by the way he didn't have a license for, in the built in compartment of the passenger side door. I do it. All of us were hungry. When we were getting out of the car to go the a restaurant I had completely forgotten about the gun. It fucking fell on the concrete. My pussy ass screams out:"OH SHIT" It was scary. Trust me. I am Baliwala. Let's not fight, let's hug it out. That is all.

When I turned 18

I was never happier in my life. I could legally buy cigarettes. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it was. No more having to ask strangers or older friends to get me my tobacco. The plan for my birthday was simple. Go to an Indian restaurant named Ravi Kabob House. It's the only thing that my friends and I could come up with. On the day of my birthday my best friend said that we should be out for the whole day. My excitement went through the roof. Please keep in mind that I was still a kid and easily amused. My friend immediately suggested that I should purchase cigarettes. I was like fa fa sho. I walk into a gas station and ask for a pack. My ID was needed so I pulled that shit out. The clerk took a look at it and I got my cigarettes. My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe what just happened. I wanted to grab him by the collar and yell:"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? ONLY BAD THINGS CAN COME FROM THIS, BUT THANK YOU SIR." Better judgment prevailed and I kept my mouth shut. As soon as I came back to my friends car he could see that I was overjoyed. This wasn't a big deal for him because he had been buying his own cigarettes for quite a while now. A few minutes later we passed by a McDonalds and I screamed:"I'M GOING TO WALK INSIDE NAKED. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO DO? I'M 18! THEY CAN'T STOP ME! AHHHH!." This is the first time my friend uttered these words to me: "Bali, you've lost you're mind." I am Baliwala. Products that cause cancer make me happy. That is all.

Word of the day 42

chintz [chints]

–noun
1. a printed cotton fabric, glazed or unglazed, used esp. for draperies.
2. a painted or stained calico from India.

The angry fob

I had a few extra minutes before my first class of the day started, so I headed out for a cigarette. On my way back in I spotted something that caught my attention. It was a recent arrival from India or Pakistan. Why did he catch my eye you ask? Well he looked upset. His eyebrows were arched along with his back. This exposed his already comical flooder jeans. His eyes were motherfucking intense. It seemed like he was in a very serious chess match. Then I noticed the tone of his voice. He was speaking in a language I did not understand. That didn't matter because homeboy was screaming. The first thought that came into my mind was: "Who the hell gets this angry this early in the morning?" Seriously guys. Who has the energy for that? Even after breakfast? I'm half asleep and this guy is in full rage mode. This is when I realized I had been following this guy for a while now. I felt embarrassed. To make myself feel better I told myself that I was concerned for his safety and the safety of others. That's total bullshit. I just wanted a good laugh. I don't think I'll ever know what happened on the phone. Even if I run into him again and ask what happened, I have a feeling that I won't be able to understand what he would be saying. I hope everything is ok. I hope his dog didn't die. I am Baliwala. Somebody needs to kiss that guy through the phone. That is all.

Hope

It's what keeps us alive. It's what makes you get up in the morning. It's what makes you look at your phone every 10 minutes to see if you have a text or missed call. It's what makes you sit through boring classes. It's what makes you go to your shitty job. It's what makes you spend too much time on picking out what to wear when you're just going to be out for less than an hour. It's what makes you look forward to the summer. It's what makes you put your heart back together after somebody crushes it. It's what puts you to sleep. It's what makes me blog. I am Baliwala. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see..hope. That is all.

Wax

Lulz

soulja girl tell em!

Desi bitches that bitch

About getting an arranged marriage need to shut the fuck up. You know who you people are. Get one thing straight, a baby-faced Desi male who can salsa and speak fluent French is not going to sweep you off of your feet. I thought once you psychos reached college you would realize it. You didn't. Then I hoped that once you graduated you would get the fucking point. You didn't. Now all you do is cry about how your parents are "forcing" you to marry some guy. You view this as the most horrible thing that could happen to you. The reality is that you're begging for attention. Cut that shit out. It's very unattractive. Let's examine the situation. If you could find somebody to marry you, you probably wouldn't be in this predicament. Also, your parents are not evil as you think. They have put up with your bullshit their entire lives. They've fed and clothed you. They've been there when nobody else has. Stop viewing them as the spawns of Satan you medium brown hair having floozies. The last comment was not directed at any girl in particular. Most Desi girls have that hairstyle. I'll elaborate on that in the future. I digress. Back to the original topic. Whoever your parents choose for you will probably be better than any guy you could get on your own. They'd probably have a better education and would treat you better than any guy you found at the local community college. Face it. You can't get anybody decent looking the way you look. Thinking the way you think. Smelling the way you smell. Eating the way you eat. It's the motherfucking truth, and I'm just here to reveal it. I am Baliwala. If you're a single lady and reading this, I will put a ring on you. Fuck it. All of you are single. I can't afford that many rings. That is all.

Listen up motherfuckers

We all know what's going on Haiti. I know if you're reading this your heartless carcass probably hasn't donated a single dime. This can change. Click on the banner to the right and donate. Minimum donation is $10. Come on. Stop being choots about this. If you can help, which you probably can, please do. Oh yeah, if you're being a smart ass and saying to yourself:"Why doesn't Bali donate?" Well I already have you piece of shit. So fuck off. Give the money. People are dying and you can actually have a hand in helping them.

Some people do not belong in college

So I was in class once again today because I'm an intellectual G like that. I've noticed so far that there are certain people who just show up on campus to hang out. These people do not have books or bookbags. Just dumb looks on their faces. I'll see the same exact people when I enter campus as I do leaving. These motherfuckers are pieces of garbage. All they do is walk around and yell shit out. "HELL NAW I DIDN'T STUDY! HAHAHAHAHHAA!" "HELL YEA IM GETTIN FINANCIAL AID!" Never in my life have I witnessed such ignorance go hand in hand with pride. It's disgusting. What really bothers me is that they act like nobody is around. Like nobody can hear their ramblings. Also, who the fuck hangs out at school? Since when did an institution for higher learning become a chill spot? Who the hell calls up the homies and asks if they want to kick it by the registrars' office? Can't these motherfuckers stand outside? Ok, I know it's cold, so fucking go into a Starbucks or some shit. Hustle up some change and order a small latte. Buy a cookie. It's people like this that make me regret getting up in the morning. I am Baliwala. Some people have a Masters Degree in Public Debauchery. That is all.

proud victims of physical abuse

Nice guy

It's the truth

People always ask me

If they are the subject or inspiration for my entries. The answer is hell yes. Here's the thing, sometimes I'll tell you directly if it is, sometimes I won't. You know why? Because certain people can't handle the truth even when they say they can. That's how it unfortunately is. When some people ask me to be completely honest, and I am, the other person usual ends up in tears. My entries are usually sparked by conversations I have with people and not personal attacks. Then there are certain posts where I do try to rip somebody a new asshole. I'm just G status like that. I'm here to keep the readers modest. Whenever you feel like your ego is getting huge, I'll be right there to knock your donkey ass back to reality. Other posts are just past stories or about my day. When I have an entry that comes off as a generalization, let it be known that my opinion is based on my personal experiences. You don't have to agree, as a matter of fact, I'd prefer that you don't agree because then a discussion can be sparked. For all you people who sit and read and tell yourselves that you're not like the people I write about, stop lying to yourselves. It's ok to admit your flaws. I am Baliwala. If you're reading this, YES THIS ENTRY IS ABOUT YOU! That is all.

Most atheists I know

Are fucking geeks. Not nerds. Not bookworms, but geeks. It's the sad truth. Now I don't like discussing religion or beliefs usually because people end up crying or punching a wall due to a bitch fit. But this is something I need to discuss. First of all, I don't care what the fuck you do or do not believe in. Now back to the original subject. The atheists I know personally have these things in common: obsessive fan of anime, unusual addiction to videogames that involve the characters casting spells, odd looking glasses, acne, awkwardness when it comes to being social to the opposite sex, a lack of confidence, being a submissive bitch-boy. The last point is quite ironic because atheists believe that people who follow religion are submissive themselves. Just take a look at the spineless lifestyle you live. Things might change. Like I said before I have no problem with atheists or atheism. I understand that you believe the idea of God is ridiculous, but replacing that with some wizard with a beard that goes to his knees is as equally ridiculous. Let's be serious. You know your punkass says a Klingon prayer to some Pokemon character before going to sleep because you think it might bring you good luck. So atheists, if you do any of these ridiculous things, you are no better than your theist counterparts which you regularly ridicule. If you do the things I mentioned above you are not more intellectual than those who believe in a Creator. I am Baliwala. Follow the Baliwala Movement. You'll go places.

My racist professors

So yesterday(Wednesday) was my first day back at class. I woke up in the morning and I did not feel like P. Diddy. You know why? Because I don't know how the fuck he feels like when he gets out of bed, and I don't care. If I had to venture a guess it would be that he feels great because he's filthy rich. Just a thought. So I get my groggy ass to class. There were obviously some students that came late to the first day class. Shit happens. This shouldn't be a surprise, but apparently to the professor this was. Ever single student that was even a minute late received the same speech from professor. "We start at promptly at 9:30, BUT WE'RE GLAD YOU'RE HERE!" No you're not bitch. You couldn't care less. Attendance was taken. The professor wanted to know how to pronounce certain students name. There was a girl named Lanye. The teacher had a hard time getting the hang of it, so she said:"It's Lanye, like Kanye." You have no idea how bad I wanted to jump up out of my seat and yell out: "IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT..." Thank God I didn't. After the syllabus was handed out this broad decided that the students should get to know each other. She made us introduce ourselves to the people around us. What the fuck? This isn't freshman year of high school you uppity bitch. I was sitting around nothing but girls. Lucky right? Fuck no. These bitches were ugly. Then she asks if anybody in the class was a Chicago native. I raised my raised along with many others. Afterall, I was born and raised here so I am a native. Then she wanted to know if anybody was from another state or abroad. The rest of the students raised their hands. Then the Lenscrafters wearing bitch points at me and asks where I'm from. My jaw dropped. What the fuck? Was she expecting to hear a heavy Indian or Arabic accent? I was very close to fucking with her and start speaking in a fob manner, but I chose otherwise. I said I was born and raised in Chicago but my parents were from Pakistan. My next class was taught by a 78 year old man. I saw that somebody had written:"Smokers, the world is NOT your ashtray." This pissed me off. Yes motherfucker the world is my ashtray. What are you going to do about it? Cry? Piss off you pink-lunged fucker. I wanted to pull out a cigarette right then and there and light it up. Then I would say: "I just shit on your theory you have." The professor was very polite. He went on an on about his life, mostly about his family. Then out of nowhere he started talking about some Muslim girls he had in one of his other classes. He said they wore heybobs. What the fuck is a "heybob"? Is that some sort of redneck ground beef delicacy that is served on a wooden stick? To make matters worse, he started talking about his childhood. Now going by his age you can already tell that he grew up in a very racist time in America. I didn't care to listen, but he kept on saying Afro-American. The more he said it, the more the black students in class seemed visibly upset. I was waiting for some shit to go down but it didn't. Oh well. I guess it is a scientific term. I am Baliwala. I am a straight A student. That is all.

This entry goes out

To all the bitches out there that think they're the shit, but really aren't. You know who you are. Chances are you might be reading this. If that's the case, read this carefully. If you do any of the following things, you are a bitch that thinks she's the shit when she really isn't. Let's begin. Start by taking a deep breath. Here we go. You have insanely high standards when it comes to men and you think you have this right because you're hot. Truth is you climbed the ugly tree, slipped and hit every branch on the way down. You throw on tons of foundation to hide your acne to go clubbing. You wear open toe shoes and slutty dresses in extremely cold weather. You and your "bitch squad" think you're the hottest things around and try to prove this by posting pictures with intense flash. These pics are usually taken in bathrooms or corners of shady places. Mainly crack houses. Your idea of an attractive man is a male who is in medical school. You think being forced into the field of medicine by your parents makes you smart, when in reality if you didn't obey them they would ship your punk ass in a dingy cardboard box to their country of origin to get married to a stranger. You obsess over a male celebrity to the point where you believe they think about you as much as you think about them. You think your neat handwriting makes you unique. You think having a twinkie will make you gain weight because you think you have an awesome figure, when in reality you have the baby fat of 50 babies. You run and tell your friends the second any male on this planet looks in your direction. You think you're pious if you put a quote from a religious book as your Facebook status. You think straightening your hair makes you 10x prettier. Your idea of a good time is dressing up, going to a public place and standing around. You think you have a sense of humor, when in reality you have the sarcasm that rivals a homeless leper. You pretend or exaggerate pain or illness as a means to act cute or to get sympathy. Your think your biggest accomplishment is having white teeth. You constantly put down other females of your own race/ethnicity because you think doing 5 crunches a day makes you better than them. You think girls who use tampons are whores. Your phone is mainly used to text your female friend to tell her how much you love and miss her. You think you're career minded because you wear dress slacks and work at the mall or a salon. Anytime you pass a guy you purposely smile, tilt your head down and look back up to see if they're still looking at you. You think being a virgin gives you an automatic ticket to heaven, when in reality nobody wants to fuck you. I am Baliwala. If these girls are what is normal, I will become a mass-murderer. That is all.

You dumbass

Word of the day 41

men⋅da⋅cious [men-dey-shuhs]


–adjective
1. telling lies, esp. habitually; dishonest; lying; untruthful: a mendacious person.
2. false or untrue: a mendacious report.

No need to worry

Your boy Bali is back. Please excuse my brief absence. I won't lie and say that I've been really really busy with stuff, because I haven't been. Simply put, I had no desire to post. I know what you're wondering. How was your New Years Bali? Well I'll tell you about it. Gather around. Disclaimer: The identities of the people in this story have been altered. So have the locations. You know why? Because I fucking feel like doing it. I'm a mischievous kid. You should be used to it by now. That's why. My New Years was pretty simple. Just hit up a couple of clubs with some friends. It was cold as hell outsid. Hold on. How can something be cold as hell? Isn't that the opposite? Fuck that. I digress. Before we did anything, I urinated in an alley. I had to go bad. This only gave me more confirmation that urination in public should be legalized. The first club I went to was pretty small. We'll call it "The Diddy Bop." After about a half hour my friends and I decide to leave. Nothing was really going on. The second club we went to was called "Tough Titty said the Kitty." I know that place does not exist. Reread the disclaimer if you are confused. The Tough Titty said the Kitty was pretty fun. It had more than one level, and we saw some people we knew. After a while we said fuck it and decided to go back to the Diddy Bop. I mean we literally did. We put our hands up, pouted our lips and said fuck this shit. Let's break like Kit-Kat. When we arrived at the Diddy Bop it was very crowded. Somebody must have made a phone call because now the place was infested with Desis. I say infested because these people were like rodents running around. I have never seen so many guys and girls overdressed for an occasion. Don't get me wrong, it was a special night, but it's not your wedding. God damnit, these motherfuckers must have spent everything in their bank accounts on their attire. I came dressed just right. I know wasup. Anyway while at the club, a very drunk recent arrival from India/Pakistan decided to put his hands on me. He thought my name was Shahid. When I informed this fumbling idiot that I was not Shahid, he still wanted to converse. I tried my best to communicate with this buffoon. I really did. I excused that English was not his first language and that he was wasted. I tried to be nice, but it wasn't working out guys. I walked away. He went after me and I ran away. After that we went to get something to eat. We'll call this place "Le Menage a Trois." Sounds fancy right? I could bullshit restaurant names for a living. Well we were eating and wanted some chips. Here's the thing: we didn't want to pay for that shit. You know why? Because chips should be free for everybody. We got about 2 bags. We felt like we were on a roll. When we went to get the third, the hammer dropped on us. My friend "Joe" was caught. One of the employees yelled out "THAT'S NOT COOL BRO!" So Joe paid for the chips. This made me chuckle. The intensity on this guys' face was amazing. Then I pissed in an alley again. Then we went home. I am Baliwala. I am for public urination and free potato chips for every citizen. Vote for me. That is all.