The internet

Has allowed certain people to expose their horrendous musical ability.

Chain text messages

I usually ignore these because they are completely retarded. Earlier today I got one from a female friend that asked me to tell her something I've been meaning to say the entire year. Since 2009 was coming to an end, it was best to get it out now. Without thinking I texted:"I have a crush on you." This dumb broad replies with:"lol shut up." Fine. Kind of shocking news, but listen homegirl, we're both adults. A crush isn't a big deal. Then I told her that I was pretty much over it. You know what this bitch says?"Stop being so emo." Emo? The fuck? How is that being emo? I'm not here slitting my wrists. You're not that special. Now not only was I regretting telling her that I had a crush on her, but also regretting have a crush on her at all. Is she that mentally dense? I informed her that I was not being emo. Then she says:" stop being weird?" Huh? Are you fucking serious? Shit. At least have the common decency to say aww or some shit. I'm motherfucking Bali. Show some respect. Oh oh it doesn't end there. She then tells me to watch the movie Blow. Talk about a fucked up way to ignore what I just said completely. Damn at least say you don't have a crush on me. Throw a smiley face at me or something. Damn. Stay on topic shawty. I am Baliwala. I get rejected more by short Pakistani girls than balding middle-aged men. That is all.

I did it again

I got my haircut today. Are you noticing a trend? I've been keeping the top of my head groomed for the past couple of months regularly. I'm going back to my old ways. So I was outside the barber shop smoking a cigarette and on the phone trying to figure out NYE plans with a friend. I look inside and see that the place is pretty packed. I was like fuck. I don't want to wait a long time. I hate doing that at places. I get bored easily. The magazines they have are outdated and I find myself staring at unfriendly people. So I go in and realize that two barbers are in the back having lunch. Then I look over and see the guy who cut my hair the last time I was there. He was cutting the hair of a recent arrival from Pakistan or India. His friend was sitting next to him with a huge grin. Why was he so happy? It wasn't like he was getting his haircut. Fucking weirdo. Then the immigrant got up because he was done. He must have given the cashier a $100 bill because he got a lot of change back. I'm talking about twenties and fives. He starts counting his money in front of everybody happily. Do you think this guy gave the barber a tip? Hell no. His stingy ass went straight for the door. As he was leaving the barber said: "hope have happy new year." As soon as they were gone he started yelling out: "get from here! stupid guy take one hour in my chair." He was visibly upset by not getting a tip. I almost felt bad for him. Just then the two barbers that were having lunch in the back came out. They were two European ladies. One asked me: "want haircut?" I was like fa fa fa sho. During the haircut we were both quiet. Then she asked me what I was studying in school. I told her. Then she says: "back home my sister take English, math and computers. She is very interest in this things." I did not give a fuck about what her sister studied, but I didn't want her to fuck my hair up so I smiled. When I went to pay, Mr. Chubby Arab says:"very happy new year to you!" I think he was expecting me to tip him because the illegal alien from my parents' homeland he just took care of didn't. It wasn't going to happen. I am Baliwala. I'm faded up and ready to party sharty.

Yeah

For the past two days

I was receiving missed calls from a number I didn't recognize. I called back a few times but didn't get an answer. Then yesterday I got a text from the number saying: "dis chris." I was like oh shit! It's my old co-worker Chris that I haven't spoken to in a while. So I called again, but this time I got his voicemail. It was one of those messages where the person rambles on. It went something like this:"I'm unavailable to answer your call, or you're somebody whose shit I am fed up with. If that's the case then don't even bother saying shit. Just hang up the phone." I was like damn. Chris has gotten an edge to him the last time we spoke. A mean streak. I was proud. About an hour ago I received yet another missed call from the number. I was like fuck this, I'm going to call and make sure he picks up. Well, there isn't any way I could make sure he would pick up, but you get the point. So I call and he picks up and sounds groggy. I say:"YO! Waddup Chris!" The reply was:" yea yea yea yea." I was surprised. I thought he would sound more enthusiastic about talking to me. I mean he did try to contact me first. Then I say:" It's me. *inserts real name*" Then he says:"Oh sorry. Must've been a wrong number." Fuck. Talk about a waste of time. Shit man. Chris homie, where are you? Are you alive. Now that I think about it, I should have struck up a conversation and made a new friend. Missed opportunity. I am Baliwala. Please leave a detailed comment with your name and phone number. That is all.

Yesterday

I lived the life of a Pakistani housewife. Let me explain. When I woke up and went for my morning cigarette I saw that it was snowing. I got into mental shoveling mode. This is where I imagine myself shoveling snow. Definitely G status. I suggest you try it. So I go inside and get the necessary tools for the job. I want give you a long story about what happened, but I'll say I was like a rabid pit bull without a leash. I was a monster. Then when I went back inside to get some salt, my mom said that I should disperse the salt generously. I was like fa sho and saluted her like I was in the army. When I was done with that I felt like doing more chores. I don't know why. I had a pep in my step. I was bouncing around. So I clean my room. Shit was sparkling. I was very thorough. It didn't even take me long. Maybe I should do that for a living. Then I was like na uh. I'm not done. I vacuumed the entire second floor including my room. You should have seen me. I was pirouetting around the vacuum. Making it turn in ways I thought were impossible. I damn near moon walked. Do you think I was done? Is the Pope Jewish? I went to the bathroom and made it look brand new. I used more chemicals than Paris Hilton does on her face. Shit was insanely clean. It was so clean I felt like putting a sign on the door that said "out of service" because I didn't want it to get dirty again. My dad then told me that he needed help with his new mp3 player. I was on the family computer and had to download a bunch of shit for it, so in the meantime my parents and I enjoyed funny Punjabi poetry on Youtube. This is where I started to reflect on the day. The realization that this was the typical life for a woman in Pakistan hit me. I was pretty ashamed. No lie, but I found comfort in knowing they couldn't do the things I had done with my style. Then I took a shower. Afterall, I did work hard and was quite sweaty. I busted out a brand new bar of soap. That's how I get down. Then I got myself a burger. I damn near inhaled it. There was very little chewing. That's how hungry I was. I then thought about how much work I did that day. All of a sudden I fell asleep. When I woke up I smoked a cigarette. The smoking a cigarette part is probably the only thing that doesn't fall under the Pakistan female category. Actually, it probably does. God knows. I am Baliwala. My hips don't lie.

Disregard

The previous entry. I had lots of energy for ten minutes then crashed and fell asleep. I woke up with a headache, but now I'm fine. I know you guys just had a sigh of relief. Take my advice and do not mix sugar cookies with coffee. Lives can be destroyed. Once again guys, I'm fine. Don't worry, but sending me money and get well cards is highly encouraged. I am Baliwala. I am happy to be alive. That is all.

Sugar cookies and

Dunkin Donuts caramel coffee is bliss. So I was in the mood for something warm to drink due to the cold weather. So I decided to make a trip to the local Dunkin Donuts. Before I left my mom said she could make a pot for free. I told her that I was in the mood for something a little different. Then my dad said that I should sit there by myself and drink coffee since I didn't want to drink it from home. The scenario ran through my head and I finally imagined what it was like to be homeless. It sucks. I almost felt bad enough to stay home, but I was like fuck it. The place was dead as soon as I entered. The recent arrivals from India and/or Pakistan behind the counter were having a laugh about something. Probably something related to Tom&Jerry. Just a guess. When I approached the counter I was greeted by a smile unfortunately. I say unfortunately because this kid had a horrible set of teeth. The two in front almost reached his chest. I kid you not. The teeth were far from clean. They didn't have stains, they were rusting. True story. So I order a caramel coffee and he literally says:" he ha huh huh haaah." I said what? Then he says: "Would you like cream and sugar?" I told him to hook it up. Then he just hands me the coffee. I have a feeling I could have walked out without him saying a word, but I'm not that cruel. So I asked for the total. He replied with: "he he haaaaaaa ho ho hooo." I said what? He said $1.16. I think he was fucking with me. When I got home I went straight to the kitchen. Then I saw these homemade sugar cookies. I thought it would be a good idea to dip the cookies into the coffee. Before I dipped the first cookie, I whispered:"fa fa fa fa sho." I suggest you try this sometime no matter what you do. It gets you mentally prepared to take on the world. The combination was amazing. I hope one day you marry a sugar cookie and coffee in your mouth. I am Baliwala. I got diabetes in the last two hours. That is all.

I'm all about that chedda

Blog question 1

Q:At what point should a desi girl [brought up in a strict typical household] tell her parents of a boyfriend? What if she has no intentions of marrying him but they've been together for a long time?




A: I don't know how old you are, and I don't know what your definition of a long time is. With this being said it seems like you're just using this guy for sex. If you actually liked him you would at least tell your mother about him. You have decided to keep him your dirty little secret. Shame on you! On a serious note, you should at least tell your mother. If you've been with him for a while that means he's obviously special to you. Chances are that if you don't tell at least one parent about him they'll find out on their own and be way more pissed then you ever imagined. You said you don't have any intention of marrying him, so imagine if they found about him after you guys broke up. Mull it over. Tell your mother at least. I am Baliwala. That is all.

Word of the day 40

scru⋅pu⋅lous [skroo-pyuh-luhs]


1. having scruples; having or showing a strict regard for what one considers right; principled.
2. punctiliously or minutely careful, precise, or exact: a scrupulous performance.

Can you telling me the timings?

Check it out

I rarely read other peoples' blogs because I'm too busy reading my awesome shit, but this one is definitely worth a look.



http:/www.iblegend.blogspot.com

After seeing this

I know why you're a single lady.

People who do not

Dress according to the weather are retarded. So it's winter in Chicago and obviously pretty cold. People are using their heating. Down jackets are seen everywhere. Scarves and hats are being worn. Keep this in mind. So I'm at home chilling with my flannel pajamas and hoodie, ya know, being a baller. Staying true to my G status. Then I get a call from a friend. We talk for a bit and decide to get something to eat. He shows up about a half hour later. I hop in the car and notice that the heat is unbelievably high. I tried to ignore it, but it was bothering me. I had on a coat, a button shirt and a thermal shirt underneath. I come prepared. We decide on our destination and head towards it. He had on a North Face fleece. This didn't surprise me. It wasn't freezing, just chilly, and this was proper attire. After conversing for a while, the heating started to stifle me. I didn't want to be rude so I didn't say anything. After some time I couldn't take it anymore. I said turn that shit down. He did. We find parking and get out of the care. You know what this motherfucker was wearing? Fucking nylon track pants. Oh it gets better. He had on god damn slippers. Yes that's right. Fucking flip flops. He might as well been barefoot. I look at this guy and was like what the hell is going through your head? You've lived in Chicago your entire life and you're wearing this? He told me he wasn't cold as he shivered. As we headed towards the restaurant I hoped that we wouldn't get kicked out because he didn't have the proper attire. If I owned a restaurant and I saw a guy come in with slippers during winter, I would boot his ass, but I'm a douche. Keep that in mind. When we left of course he shivered again. Then he finally admitted to being cold. I just shook my head as I sipped on my coke and smoked my cig. We get in the car and he blasted the heat once again. He's going to India tomorrow. I think he thinks he's already there. I am Baliwala. I will never get frostbite. That is all.

So on Tuesday

There was a small concert going on at a local community center. My dad said I should show up. He said that there would be free food and they could use some help. At first I was not willing to go, but I said fuck it and went. I got there at about one pm. As soon as I walk in I hear Bollywood songs from the 70's. The voices that were singing these songs were terrible. My God, it sounded like they were being slowly killed. My dad didn't lie about the free food. They had those fucking bear graham crackers and cubes of American cheese next to it. I saw my uncle there and I was relieved because he is a manager at a Desi restaurant and I hoped he had catered the event. Guess what? He didn't. He told me that people brought food that they made. Great. Just fucking great. If I wanted to eat it would have to be food prepared by people who didn't know what soap was. Fucking bacteria in a bowl. I regretted not eating before I came. So I sit down with my uncle and started watching this "concert." There was some guy in his 60's who sang a song I never heard. Well, I probably heard it before but his voice sounded like he had been stabbed in the larynx multiple times with a rusty knife, so it was hard to understand what the fuck he was saying. Next to him was some greasy-haired motherfucker with a huge smile on his face. He was banging away on what looked like a Fisher-Price electronic keyboard. This guy was having the time of his life. God bless that goofy bastard. What amazed me is that people clapped a lot after he got done singing. I clapped too, but out of pity. They clapped like they enjoyed that shit. Then some girl who looked like she was in her 20's stepped up to sing. You know what this bitch did? She took off her shoes. Who the fuck takes off their shoes to sing? I don't want to be mean, but she looked borderline retarded. She was cock-eyed and had a crooked smile on her face. She started singing: "Churaliya hai tumne", a very popular Hindi song. Guess what happened? She fucked it up. Big shock man. By this time I had enough. I went outside for a cigarette to get away from the madness and calm down. I go back in and most of the people are gone. What the fuck? Was this some kind of mean joke they were playing on me? I said fuck it and left. On the way home a couple of friends called and said they were around my area. I said I would be home in a few minutes and that I would talk to him outside my house. I don't bring most of my friends to my house. You know why? Because I misplace things a lot and I don't want to have to beat somebodys' ass and then have to apologize later when I find the missing item. Especially if it's a female. So they came by and I stood in the cold and talked to them. All of a sudden some woman I had never seen asked me if I lived in the area. When I answered yes, she said she was a real estate agent. She had to open a padlock on a gate on a foreclosed house, but it was frozen. She asked me if I could get a cup of warm water to unfreeze the lock. I swear to God, if my friends weren't there I would have told her to fuck off and walked away, but I have a reputation to keep. My friends think I'm pretty nice and I want them to keep thinking that way. So I go home and get it. I looked like an idiot walking slowly holding a cup of water with both hands trying not to spill it. She had another lady with her and was elated to see that I had brought the H20. When I tried to hand the water to her, bitch snatched it. Whoa there missy! Hold the fuck up. Don't snatch or you'll get drop kicked is what I thought. I couldn't say it though, because once again, I had people to impress. Christmas came early to these people, because they started jumping up and down. They were even happier when they informed me that not only had the lock unfroze, but they didn't use the entire cup of water. Well yippe-motherfucking-yay. Good job. You have done your part to save Earth. Fucking idiots. So I went back to talk to my friends. All of a sudden one of them pulls out a paper bag. What was in the bag? Two donuts. Chocolate donuts motherfucker. Hell yeah. The day wasn't so bad after all. I am Baliwala. I go to daytime concerts. That is all.

Some people take the internet very seriously

Riddle

DJ fresh at it again

Punjabi Music

This is a collection of some of my favorite Punjabi songs. You might have heard some of the songs.



Download link: http://www.sendspace.com/file/jmh35q




(copy and paste into address bar)

Join the Baliwala facebook group

http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=217473795118&ref=ts

My mom on Tiger Woods

Punjabi: "Voods clubbah jaanda si. GROUPIES oday piche si. Ootai gori kuriyan nu milda si. Yasser, oh pre-nup kita?"


English: " Tiger Woods used to go to clubs. Groupies would pay him a lot attention. He also met a lot of white girls. Yasser, did they sign a prenuptial?"

Skill

And hard work go hand in hand. It's true. If you have talent in any area in life, do not let it go to waste. Do not rely solely on your skill to carry you through life. Always remember that your hard work is what really what shows and will get you places. We all know people who have to bust their ass just to get a B in school. We all know people who have trouble following any type of direction. We all know people who envy others. Think about all the shit they think about on a day to day basis. Don't slack off. Fuck procrastinating. Time waits for nobody. I am Baliwala. I'm a firm believer that skill and hard work go hand in hand, but you don't have neither.

Q&A 1

The following is a question from an actual person.


Q:"I am a female and my parents sat me down today to let me know that by the end of 2010 they want to find me a guy to get married to. I don't know how to feel about this. I always thought I would find a guy to marry on my own, but things haven't worked out. I am 23 and I feel like I'm running out of hope. What should I do?"



A: I always think parents want the best for their children, but at the same time this doesn't necessarily mean it's what's best for you. It seems like you have had bad experiences with relationships. If you didn't, then you maybe would have rejected this proposal altogether. I hope this doesn't make you hesitant to find a partner. Go out. Date. See what's going on. Tell your parents that you respect their decision and will consider it. I am Baliwala. That is all.



Have a question? Want to know my opinion on something? Drop me a message at pagaljaanu@hotmail.com. If I find it worthwhile I will post my answer here.

Truth

I got my haircut again

This time I didn't wait as long as I usually do. So I walk in and I see the woman who last cut my hair. She was standing against a wall and texting on her phone. She reminded me of a high school student who was bored out of her mind. The place was pretty empty. All of the barbers were sitting in chairs doing nothing at all. It must have been slow because of the weather. So I sit down and right away a portly Arab man says: "want haircut?" I said sure. I sat in his chair and told him what I wanted done. I noticed for the first few minutes he was staring at the woman who was standing against the wall. It pissed me off. His eyes kept darting in her direction. God knows what was going through his mind. Erections while giving haircuts never turn out well. Trust me. I think he did a pretty good job. He actually took less time than what I am accustomed to. Then something crazy happened. Something that did not even cross my mind. He rubbed my head. Yup. He did the same thing that the Gwen Stefani lookalike did to me last time. I'm guessing it's a policy for their shop. The roles were reversed this time. Instead of me enjoying it, it looked like he was having the time of his life. He had an evil ass grin on his round face. I'm trying not to think about it because it makes feel very very uncomfortable. I ran out after I paid. I don't know if I should go back. I mean they know how to cut hair, but this male on male rubbing on head shit is not for me. I am Baliwala. The last two times I got my haircut I was molested. That is all.

Word of the day 39

philander [fi-lan-der]


–verb (used without object)
(of a man) to make love with a woman one cannot or will not marry; carry on flirtations.

Check out

www.karmaloop.com for the latest in urban clothing. Click on the link that is the right corner and receive free shipping on your entire order.

If you lose something

I really won't give a shit. Example: during my senior year of high school a friend and I skipped school. The weather was nice so we decided to play basketball. We played for about an hour. When we got ready to leave my friend realized that his class ring was missing from his finger. He panicked and asked me to help him look for it. The court we were on was surrounded by lots of grass. Even then, I joined in the search. After about 10 seconds I looked at my friend and said:" fuck it. It's gone. Let's leave." I then headed for the car. He urged me to stay back and continue the search. I pretended to do this for about 30 seconds. The entire time I looked at his sad face. I did not feel any remorse. I did not buy a class ring because I thought it was corny as fuck. I thought to myself: "pshh, that's what he gets for wanting to be fashionable." On the way back to the car, while my friend hung his head, he found the ring. I was glad. Not because he found the ring, but because I was relieved that I didn't have to hear him whine about it. I am Baliwala. If you lose your life, then tell me about it. That is all.

Shit is ridiculous

I really need to get a girlfriend. I speak English. I am not deformed. I'm kind of funny on rare occasions. I know how to type. I like cheeseburgers. I have pretty good hair. I can be nice sometimes. I wear slippers. I smoke..I mean I DON'T smoke. I can do 4 push ups. I'm a good listener, especially when I'm sleeping. I like to sleep. I know how to shave. I take showers at least twice a month. I am Baliwala. I'm looking for my princess. That is all.

Give me at least a dollar

For the tiring effort I've put into this blog. I've made you laugh. I've made you cry. I've made you think,and I know you're dying to thank me. This is an opportunity to do so. Just click on the button below and generously donate to the Baliwala fund. The proceeds will go to food, for me. I am very skinny and need to gain weight. This is a righteous cause. Thank you.

MSN emotional rollercoaster

What did you just say bro?

I shouldn't be showing you this

Let me tell you

About the first time a girl asked for my phone number. I was 15 years old. It was the summertime and a friend and I went to an Indian Independence celebration. It was pretty boring. All we did was walk around and eyeball people. I noticed a petite girl with a blue shirt on who was walking around with a friend. Now that I think about it, I had a blue shirt on too. She had a pen and paper. She was walking up to groups of guys. I was too far away to hear what the conversation was about, but I knew it was brief. About a half hour later she approached me. The first words out of her mouth were: "what's your number?" I felt shocked. This had never happened to me. Did my hours of singing boy band songs in front of the mirror finally payoff? Was the cheap hair gel I was using finally paying dividends? I replied with: "why do you want my number?" Her friend gave me a dirty look and said:"maybe cuz she wants to holla at you?" I had only heard the word "holla" on MTV. I really did not know the definition. I was reluctant to give out my number. I did not have a cellphone, and was apprehensive to give my house number, but I did anyway. Mostly out of fear. Then she just walked away. I got pretty pissed. So you want my number, but you don't want to talk further? I felt like somebody asked me to take a survey. I felt used. Like a piece of meat. I was emotionally distraught. No I wasn't. I felt pretty good about myself. During the rest of the day I was hoping that the same girl, or any girl, wouldn't ask my friend for his number. If they did then I wouldn't have anything to brag about. I am Baliwala. I'm still oblivious to when girls flirt with me. That is all.

I hope

The new header scares you. I can actually see you. So be careful about what you do while you're here. I am Baliwala. I didn't mean to creep you out. That is all.

Healthcare-watch this

Download Link-http://www.megaupload.com/?d=U2NZKQYV(copy and paste into address bar)

Guys who constantly look

For a love or even a girlfriend online should be banned from life. Yes I said it. It's one of the many things in life that need to be said. I know you're not attractive. It's okay. Girls tend to go for guys with good personalities...wait...your personality sucks. Your idea of a good time is to sit around and discuss Star Wars or recreate the the signing of the Constiution in your basement. Sorry dawg. Girls do not like that shit. I know when you were younger you settled for being single. Then you discovered the internet and all its' endless possibilities. First you realized you could see free pornography. You were overwhelmed with joy with this. Then you found out you could play nerdy games. This was the cherry on top. When you least suspected it, you realized that there were girls online you could actually talk to. You probably shit bricks when you found this out. Not only could you talk to girls, but some of them were very attractive. You had a chance to make conversation with them. Now your balls were tingling. So, you decide to join a number of social sites in hope of finding your dream girl. You never put up a picture, because as stated earlier, you are extremely unattractive. If you did put up a picture, it was probably of a rose with the text saying "yours forever", or your favorite anime character. You immediately went on the prowl looking for your victim, I mean potential partner. Then you realized the best thing about the internet. You could actually think about what you were going to say before you said it. This made you grab your inhaler. Not only that, you wouldn't be judged on the overalls you were wearing since you were 12. So you strike up a conversation with a pretty lady. Tell a few jokes. Throw in a bunch of emoticons. Things are going good. She replies with lols and such. You're actually making her laugh. This is a new feeling for you. You are overjoyed. After a period of time, when you feel comfortable, you ask for her number. Then the hammer drops. She says she has a boyfriend. Let me clarify. She's probably lying. The only reason she is talking to you is because you won't leave her alone. You attack her with messages the second she even thinks about her computer. She feels sorry for you. Her and her friends are used to guys like you. Your world has just crashed. What do you do? You prey on another unsuspecting female. The cycle continues and before you know it you are a certified e-stalker. With time you master the skills of: finding out peoples' addresses, finding out what schools girls go to, then showing up and pretending like you're apart of the student body. If she has pictures of herself anywhere online, you will stop at nothing to find them and print them out. They will go on your ceiling as you lay in a bed which is surrounded by scented candles. Fast forward. You're now 33 and on To Catch a Predator. I am Baliwala. If you're a girl and reading this, please please fall in love with me. I'm a really really nice guy. That is all.

Word of the day 38

Tef⋅lon [tef-lon]

1. Trademark. a fluorocarbon polymer with slippery, nonsticking properties; polytetrafluoroethylene.
–adjective
2. characterized by imperviousness to blame or criticism: a Teflon politician.

Philosopher

Last night

I had a dream about my ex-girlfriend. The dream started off by us being in a house in the woods. I won't lie she looked very attractive. The next thing I remember is that she pulled out a shotgun. A few others popped out of nowhere and had guns as well. I put my hands up. My jaw hit the ground. I remember staring at her chest. Don't ask me why. The next thing I know I woke up and was face first on the ground. The first thing I did was check all the drawers in the house. Bitch stole everything. My first instinct was to call the cops. After some thinking I pulled out a gun and thought that I should find her myself. I am Baliwala. I have a hard time telling the difference between my dreams and reality. I feel bad for my ex because I'm going to show up at her house with a machine gun and ask for my shit back. This should be fun. That is all.

Guys who

Feel the need to tell other guys about their sexual escapades are clearly virgins. It's damn true. Let me tell you a tale I was told a few years ago. The person who told me the story was not attractive. His hair resembled something that belonged on the head groomed poodle. To make matters worse, he had a thick Pakistani accent to match his deranged personality. Even with this being said, I would not be surprised if he got women, but the story he told me made absolutely no sense. He texted saying that he had 50 shots and 16 beers. Really motherfucker? If you had that much to drink I'm sure you would be dead. The text went on to say that he needed a ride. I obviously knew he was bullshit lying so I said I was not able to pick him up. Even if for some odd reason he was that drunk, I still wouldn't have picked him up. I didn't know him very well and I had class the next morning. I have priorities man, priorities. The next day he called and said that a very attractive woman took him back to her apartment. According to him they engaged in every sexual position that is seen in pornography. I kept my mouth shut. I did this because when people bullshit lie and you call them out on it, all they do is lie more. So there's no point. He then went on to say they went to a local 7-11 to buy something to drink because he was so hungover. I guess the 50 shots and 16 beers really hit him hard. She allegedly pulled out her wallet exposing her ID. He said he saw the ID which revealed her to be much much older then he originally thought. After seeing this he ran out of the store. There are so many inconsistencies with this story I won't bother to go through all of them, but as you can clearly see, the story is bullshit. If you believe any of the story then chances are you are a bullshit liar as well. So this is a message to all of the guys who lie, exaggerate or even tell the truth about their sexual adventures. Other guys are not interested in hearing that shit. It does not make us want to be you. It does not make us jealous. It doesn't even give us an erection. Please stop wasting both of our time. I am Baliwala. I hope you catch the Herpy Derpees. That is all.

God damn this is good

Je tu rab nu manana, pehla yaar nu maana.

"If you want to please God, be kind to others."

Listen up

You unoriginal motherfuckers, stop trying to be me. You know who you are. I know who you are. Everybody knows who you are. I am not at all flattered by your constant plagiarism. I am not amused by your want to live your e-life through me. I don't think it's cute that you try to rip off my comedic style. I know life isn't fair, but I didn't make you buck-toothed and cock-eyed. Blame genetics for that. Trying to make up for it by doing this is simply a waste. I've tried to be civil, but now this shit is just ridiculous. Just because people don't like you doesn't mean you have the right to rip my shit off and claim it as your own. Some people aren't very well liked. You're one of those people. These people are called losers. Do not test my resolve. Do not make me resort back to the Bali of old. The ruthless Bali that ran around and slapped newborns for sport. The Bali that would give the wrong directions to tourists and then laugh about it afterwards. I am Baliwala. My swag level reaches the clouds. You can't touch this bitch. That is all.

What????

Lil Gangsta

Five Guys

Burgers are the shit. My god I can't begin to tell you how delicious it is. I've heard about this place for a while now so I decided to try it. It shits all over McDonalds and Burger King. The meat they use is much fresher and less processed. They put anything and everything on their burgers. I had hot peppers and Tabasco sauce on mine. Motherfucking delicious. The fries are made out of actual potatoes. Not that weird stuff McDonalds uses. The best part is that after eating, you actually feel your hunger go away. Very good feeling. I am Baliwala. I am so full I can barely move. That is all.

If you are over the age of 18

And you wear braces, I feel sorry for you. Everytime you open your mouth a bright set of mangled metal is exposed. When you smile you expose railroad tracks. You must become tense after meals because you don't want people to see what has become stuck in your mouth fence. Kissing must be a bitch. Usually people kiss for pleasure, not to get lacerations on their tongues and on the inside of their cheeks. You have to keep away from metal objects because of the disaster it might produce from the magnetic attraction. I'm not going to even discuss oral sex. Don't feel bad. Look at the bright side. If you get a paperclip and position between your two front teeth, chances are you will get a radio signal. So don't hesitate to go to a party. If you get stares just bust out that office supply and make friends. Just make sure you don't get an AM signal. Nobody likes AM radio. Not even senior citizens. I am Baliwala. I'm glad my teeth will never rust.

Word of the day 37

dow⋅er [dou-er]


–noun
1. Law. the portion of a deceased husband's real property allowed to his widow for her lifetime.
2. dowry (def. 1).
3. a natural gift or endowment.
–verb (used with object)
4. to provide with a dower or dowry.
5. to give as a dower or dowry.

Baby, you're so bad

There is nothing

Funnier than seeing somebody fall. I, like others, call this somebody "busting their shit." This can happen at a number of locations. Stairs, on a sidewalk, a slippery surface. When this happens in public some people rush to the aid of the victim. I snicker. It usually makes my day, no fuck that, it makes my week. I can't wait to tell everybody I know about the incident. Seeing somebody so helpless for those few seconds is awesome. The best part of the entire situation is the look on their face. The look shows that the person knows what's happening and can't do a damn thing about it. It is shocktacular. You might think that I'm being mean. You might even be thinking "what if that happened to you?" Well it has, and others have laughed. I'm glad I gave them something to laugh about. It was my pleasure. I am Baliwala. I will stick my foot out when you walk by. That is all.

Listen girls

Just because a guy looks at you does not mean he is stalking you. He's not even hitting on you. Relax. You just happened to get into his line of vision, or you were wearing something revealing. Also, us guys are horny bastards. Of course we're going to stare. Please get over it. So the next time you're at Starbucks and ordering your double-mocha-choca-hoca-livin-la-vida-loca-berry twist-half double-smoothie, and the guy at the counter looks you in the face, do not text a friend to say some ugly guy asked you for your number. We all know it's not true. I am Baliwala. OMG! STOP READING THIS YOU CREEP! That is all.

Terror In Mumbai

A documentary about the terrorist attack in Mumbai during November 2008.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=89QR2U03

(copy and paste into address bar)

Things that are G status

-Suspenders
-Vanilla wafers
-Wearing slippers with socks
-Tabla
-Irish Spring soap
-Beards
-Pushups
-Scissors
-Paperclips
-Marlboro Man
-Raking leaves
-Recycling
-Playstation 2
-The word Wank
-Wanking itself
-Red toothbrushes
-Memory foam mattresses
-Hot girls
-Cute girls
-Sexy girls
-Cheeseburgers

Baliwala Tabla-Har Gabroo Download

http://www.sendspace.com/file/2o15v1

(copy and paste into address bar)

The easiest way to make money

Is to beg for it. I am Baliwala. Give me a dollar. That is all.

Answer please

 How many hours do you sleep a day?

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  2-4


• 
  
  4-6


• 
  
  6-8


• 
  
  8-10


• 
  
  10-12

view results
Free vote poll

When others

Ask why, you should ask why not? Try your best to look at every angle of every situation. Exercise your brain to the fullest. Engage in critical thinking. If you do this, I promise that your outlook on life will be much greater. You will be able to relate to many more people. Your ability to be social will go through the roof. Take the blinders off of your perception and think. Think about how others live their lives. Read as much as you can about different cultures and religions. Find out why people do the things they do. You'll be better off. Trust me. I am Baliwala. I care about you. If you solve a Rubrics Cube, I will fuck it up just so you can solve it again. I care that much. That is all.