I am

Statistically better than you. I average 4.8 NPW(naps per week). When I open doors for people I slide completely out of the way in a 270 degree angle and curtsy to make you feel like you're getting out of a limo. In May of 2009, I consumed 18 cheeseburgers. All were non-halal. It is a record that still stands to this day. My BMI rivals that of B.I.G. P.O.P.P.A, but I'm not overweight. My jawline to cheekbone ratio emulates that of Anil Kapoor. When I was 13 I could type 8 words per minute. My scores on the ACT has been associated with scholars, from Lalu Khet. I have 400 text messages a month, and I have never gone over. I carry two umbrellas with me always. One for me and one for somebody who had the misfortune of not knowing it was going to rain that day. I have a number 4 pencil. When it's time to take a scantron, I break it in half. I sleep with both eyes shut, but my third eye never waivers. I am Baliwala. Numbers don't lie. That is all.