Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Guys
Always ask me: "How do I get girls to like me?" Or "What do girls like when it comes to guys?" The answers to those questions are I don't know. Sometimes I think I do, but then they change it up. It's like women call emergency meetings and talk about new ways to fool me. I used to think the easiest way to find out would be to ask them directly, but this does not work. It doesn't work because when this question is asked to females they respond with general, vague, and stereotypical answers. They'll tell you they want a guy who listens to them. They really want a guy who can talk a lot and carry a conversation. They'll tell you that they want somebody who is educated. That's just code for being rich or wealthy. They'll change the wordage to make it seem innocent, but that's the truth. They'll tell you that looks don't matter. Complete bullshit. Girls want to be with guys who are going to make other girls jealous. Girls will say that they do not actively search for love or relationships. Complete bullshit. Girls are subconsciously looking for a male that will sweep them off of their feet. This is why they visit Starbucks so frequently. They hope their order will get mixed up with an attractive males. Or maybe they'll drop something like change and when they look up they'll lock eyes with somebody gorgeous. Girls will tell you that they think stubble is hot. Complete bullshit. Girls do not want to be with a man who looks dirty. Girls will tell you that sex isn't important. Complete bullshit. If they aren't getting the loving from you, they'll go someplace else. This doesn't necessarily mean having sex with another man, but it can also mean filling an emotional void by surfing the internet looking for unsuspecting males who will give them attention. Ya know. Somebody like me. Girls will tell you that they want a male of a specific ethnicity or religion. Complete bullshit. Girls who say this are making up excuses for not being able to find a mate. Girls will tell you that they wouldn't mind their boyfriend being friends with other girls. Complete bullshit. If you are on the phone with a female, besides somebody who is in your family, and if it's dark out, they will flip more than an acrobat. Girls will say they do not want a guy who drinks or smokes. Yet they feel a need to hit up some beastly club every weekend which has bad lighting, and flirt with the most revolting male to get a free diet 7 up. So what can you guys do? Just be yourselves. Do not follow the beat of anybody else's drum. Do not conform to what girls say. Because they don't know shit. Dress how you want to dress. Eat what you want to eat. Exercise only if you want to. I am Baliwala. There's a reason I'm single. That is all.
When I wake up
One of the first things I do is check my phone. I'm sure most of you do this too. I make sure that if I have missed any calls or texts, they can reply to in a timely manner. I do not receive these calls or texts during the night because I do not want to be disturbed. There's nothing worse than being woken up by a text or call saying "sup." That could have waited but people are like doctors who have lost their licenses, they have no patience. Read that again carefully. Clever right? Anyway, I saw that I had 5 missed calls. I was shocked and mentally woke up earlier than I had planned. When I returned the call the voice on the other line seemed stressed. When I asked what was the matter, I was told that this person had gotten a not so good grade on his exam. Really? Is that what the fuss was about? My immediate thought was to tell this guy he was an idiot and to give up on life. Then I thought I should laugh at him. Laughing at others failures makes me happy, but don't follow my steps. That's a mean quality I keep to bring down my amiability, that sort of means "niceness", to a reasonable level. If I were nice all the time, many people wouldn't like me and I would be annoyed with myself. I digress. What I did tell him was that if you don't provide the right answers, they're wrong. Yup. That's right ladies and gentleman. I broke it down the easiest way I could have. He replied with "But I did give the right answers." Really? I don't think so. Because if you did you wouldn't have fucked up and you damn sure wouldn't be on the phone right know sharing your distress concerning your personal lack of intelligence. I didn't make up an excuse and get off the phone. Well not right away at least. I told him calmly to set up a meeting with a professor. I knew this wouldn't do much, but it would ease his mind over the weekend. I then informed him that you are directly responsible for your own actions. I then told him that his level of anger was childish. Taking things in stride is the only way you can live life. That applies to actions and reactions. Don't believe me? Do the opposite and you'll have a heart attack by 35. I hope he does better next time. Or if he doesn't, I at least hope he calms his nerves. I am Baliwala. I checked my test score for the same exact class and I got an A. That is all.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
First Podcast
This was done spontaneously.
http://baliwala.podbean.com/mf/web/granyd/baliwala_podcast_1.mp3
(Copy and paste link into address bar)
http://baliwala.podbean.com/mf/web/granyd/baliwala_podcast_1.mp3
(Copy and paste link into address bar)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Too many people
Have what I call the 2pac attitude. This is when a person thinks it is them against the world. Everybody has this attitude sometimes. When things don't go your way we tend to blame external forces. So this isn't for you. This is for the guy who thinks the professor is racist or doesn't like him because he received an F. This is the same guy who never showed up to class, and when he did, leaned back and starting texting because he thought it would show the girls how much of a badass he was. This is for the girl who says she can't find true love, but all the while she sucks and fucks everything in her sights. Babygirl, your vagina shouldn't be the way to your heart. We all know somebody like this. This is for the person who when told that their actions or words are wrong, start throwing around the word hater. Or they say they don't care if they have friends or not because they already have too many. No, dawg. It's not that people are haters, it's that you're an asshole and need to change your attitude. There is no such thing as having too many friends. There are 6 billion people on the planet. The more you meet the better off you are. If you lose friends all the time, get into senseless arguments, and always have a frown on your face, then this post is dedicated to you. Head over to your local pharmacy and buy chill pills. They aren't on the shelves so you have to ask the pharmacist. You are allowed a certain amount a month. Begin the change now. I am Baliwala. You can't wipe away the smile from my face. That is all.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I'm a thief
Last week I had to visit the post office. I won't tell you why because I want you to use your imagination. Tell me why you think I was there as a comment below. So I enter and it was pretty busy. I quickly spotted two hipsters. A guy and a girl. They were chilling out like it was a bar. They could have been a couple or brother and sister. I really couldn't tell. The girl had very short hair that was coarse. Bitch looked like she had steel wool glued onto her head. She gave me a dirty look and her boy toy quickly did the same. I usually ignore these type of things, but I gave one right back. It was the same look an infant gives when you bother it. It is universally recognized. I then went on with my business. I needed a pen to write down some addresses. The ones provided by the post office were hard to find. When I did find one it was out of ink. I was surprised but I really shouldn't have been. People use ink like it's free food. They can never get enough. I then went to somebody who worked there and asked for a writing utensil. I was sternly told to return it to another person because she was going on her break. Very reasonable request. When I started writing with it I was very impressed. This thing would be perfect for doodling in class, but it needed to be return. The more I waited in line the more I wanted to keep the pen. I told myself it was just a pen and I could part ways with it. As I was being helped I reached for the pen which was now in my pocket. Something stopped me. I don't know what it was, and I don't think I'll ever know. My voice cramped up and I couldn't say the words "Another person let me borrow this. Here you go." I almost forgot what was happening. I almost fucked around and requested overnight shipping. Then I looked up to my right. I saw a security camera. I immediately thought that the woman who had kindly let me borrow her pen was eating her lunch and shaking her head as she watched me. I did a 360 to make sure no security guards were around. They weren't. Actually, I don't think there are security guards at any post office. I quickly left and put my hood over my head. I tried to look inconspicuous, but I didn't. I was pretty much running. I am Baliwala. If you have something that clicks or is used to write down reminders, I want it. That is all.
Stop
Looking for hot people on the internet. Hot people are out getting attention in person. People like you and I are stuck on the internet trying to trick people into thinking we are attractive. I have had pretty good success so far. I hope you have to. Maybe one day when we start working out and learn how to dress we can join the rest of the hot people outside. Maybe then we can put away our digital cameras and shine our faces in the sun. Until then, good luck to all of you taking 17 pics but only uploading two of then onto Facebook. I am Baliwala. I am the poster boy for match.com. That is all.
My shoes
These are the same shoes Eminem wore in his I'm Not Afraid music video, except the lines around the swoosh are black. These shoes have walked every surface known to man. They have stomped out teeth. They have prevented slips. They have moonwalked. They have been worn with shorts, jeans, and dress pants. They have smelled like flowers. They have smelled like garbage. I am Baliwala. You can't walk even a block in these. That is all.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The First Candidate
Has applied to be my possible new co-host. Hopefully more people will step up to the plate. You shouldn't feel hesitant because this is something fun.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
In high school
I used to attend events called International Nights. This is where high school's during the spring would put on shows where their various ethnic clubs would dance. I not only attended the one my high school, but those of other schools. The main reason I went was because of the girls. They would get dolled up and giggle at the sight of any Desi man, even an old one. But that wasn't the only thing that made me want to go. After a while I noticed certain types of people went to these events.
The Drunk Fob
There's always of these guys who show up to the event intoxicated. They usually would have globs of hair on their head and uneven facial hair. I once had the luxury of meeting one of these fine fellows. He sat next to me and seemed upset. I asked what was the matter and he replied with "pucking drink porty and guy trynna fight." I had to replay what he said a few times in my head to comprehend his verbiage, I replied with "just chill." It's the only reasonable thing I could have said to him. I have a feeling he might be in jail as I write this. Oh well.
The Highlight Girl
This is the girl who used to always have blond and/or brown highlights. Her hair is usually just past medium length. She wears a pea coat and stuffs her hands in her pocket. It is still kind of cold outside and she looks cute in it, so she can get it away with the look. She's usually with 3-4 friends. She usually has the fairest skin and is about one inch taller than the girls around her. She sports a cute smile. She knows guys are looking at her because she scopes out the males with her peripherals. Her grades are good and she's a virgin.....well at least that's what she wants people to think.
The Star of The Show
This is the main attraction of the show. He has been only in America for a few years, but is needed for events like these because he knows Bollywood in and out and is fluent in the national languages of the Motherland. He recently discovered Express and and bought everything off the clearance rack. This is when girls start to notice him. There's more. He's going to do a solo dance at the show to Ek Pal Ka Jeena. Youtube it and watch the dance. He does it the same exact way, some might say even better. Now the girls are really hot and bothered. He can kind of dress AND he can dance? OMG! Now he has the attention of the girls. But wait. The girls have kept their infatuation to themselves. They feel embarrassed that they have a crush on the fob. Their adulation comes out when he is on stage. He's wearing dark denim jeans with a matching denim jacket. There's more. His eyes are hidden behind a pair of Dollar Store sunglasses. His blatant regard for societal norms by wearing sunglasses not only at night but indoors sends the girls into a frenzy. After he's done they tell their friends he's cute, but in a sad sort of way. They think he's a charity case and pity him. Then they end up asking for him an autograph and his AIM after the show among the shadows.
The Couple
Have a boyfriend of girlfriend that you can't be seen in public with? Don't worry you can at this event. You get to show your peers that you have the capacity to fool someone of the opposite gender that you're not a complete waste of life. If you're a girl make sure to hold your boyfriend's hand as if you're helping a blind person cross a street. Guys, make sure to pout your lips when other guys see come into your line of vision. This shows that not only are you a homosexual, but you have fooled someone into thinking that you're not. Girls make sure during a romantic song to rest your head on his shoulder. Guys make sure to pull out your phone and pretend you're getting an important text. I mean you have to let this girl that you do care, but not that much.
I am Baliwala. The only place I dance is in my room. That is all.
The Drunk Fob
There's always of these guys who show up to the event intoxicated. They usually would have globs of hair on their head and uneven facial hair. I once had the luxury of meeting one of these fine fellows. He sat next to me and seemed upset. I asked what was the matter and he replied with "pucking drink porty and guy trynna fight." I had to replay what he said a few times in my head to comprehend his verbiage, I replied with "just chill." It's the only reasonable thing I could have said to him. I have a feeling he might be in jail as I write this. Oh well.
The Highlight Girl
This is the girl who used to always have blond and/or brown highlights. Her hair is usually just past medium length. She wears a pea coat and stuffs her hands in her pocket. It is still kind of cold outside and she looks cute in it, so she can get it away with the look. She's usually with 3-4 friends. She usually has the fairest skin and is about one inch taller than the girls around her. She sports a cute smile. She knows guys are looking at her because she scopes out the males with her peripherals. Her grades are good and she's a virgin.....well at least that's what she wants people to think.
The Star of The Show
This is the main attraction of the show. He has been only in America for a few years, but is needed for events like these because he knows Bollywood in and out and is fluent in the national languages of the Motherland. He recently discovered Express and and bought everything off the clearance rack. This is when girls start to notice him. There's more. He's going to do a solo dance at the show to Ek Pal Ka Jeena. Youtube it and watch the dance. He does it the same exact way, some might say even better. Now the girls are really hot and bothered. He can kind of dress AND he can dance? OMG! Now he has the attention of the girls. But wait. The girls have kept their infatuation to themselves. They feel embarrassed that they have a crush on the fob. Their adulation comes out when he is on stage. He's wearing dark denim jeans with a matching denim jacket. There's more. His eyes are hidden behind a pair of Dollar Store sunglasses. His blatant regard for societal norms by wearing sunglasses not only at night but indoors sends the girls into a frenzy. After he's done they tell their friends he's cute, but in a sad sort of way. They think he's a charity case and pity him. Then they end up asking for him an autograph and his AIM after the show among the shadows.
The Couple
Have a boyfriend of girlfriend that you can't be seen in public with? Don't worry you can at this event. You get to show your peers that you have the capacity to fool someone of the opposite gender that you're not a complete waste of life. If you're a girl make sure to hold your boyfriend's hand as if you're helping a blind person cross a street. Guys, make sure to pout your lips when other guys see come into your line of vision. This shows that not only are you a homosexual, but you have fooled someone into thinking that you're not. Girls make sure during a romantic song to rest your head on his shoulder. Guys make sure to pull out your phone and pretend you're getting an important text. I mean you have to let this girl that you do care, but not that much.
I am Baliwala. The only place I dance is in my room. That is all.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
As you get
Older, you should change. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well. This should be because of new experiences that shape your worldview and help you find your place in society. To many of you this is obvious because you have gone through this process. To many others it is a very foreign idea that they are on the past to, and to a small percentage, they are completely oblivious to this. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend sometime ago. She told me not that only I had changed, but I had changed for the worse. She had no credible evidence to prove her stance. She said she just hada "feeling". Her tone of voice suggested that change in general was wrong. She felt that a person should be done "growing up" at about 20 years old. I laughed at this because I thought it was silly. I then explained to her what I previously stated in this entry. I told her that it had been a while since we last spoke and I had went through some experiences where I learned valuable things. You know, pretty much what every human being on the planet does. For some reason she got angry and said some not so nice things. I will not repeat these things because this is a family blog and I do not wish to expose such filthy vernacular upon my readers. Let's just say there were a lot of fiddlesticks and gosh darn its were spoken. At first, I felt pretty bad. Did I really turn into an asshole? Did somebody who I thought knew me very well see a side of me point something out that I could not see? Fuck that. After mulling it over I realized she hadn't changed in years. This clearly said volumes about her character. She has the same views her entire life. I pitied her blindness. I would have tried to see things in a different light, but I'm busy with shit. I have naps to take and cheeseburgers to eat. I am Baliwala. I believe change is not something you keep in your pocket. That is all.
Expand
Your horizons. I have come across many Desis who are ignorant about people from across the border who are of a different religion. Read the link below. I know Wiki is not the best of sources, but it gives a concise summary of the Sikh religion and could clear up some misconceptions. Maybe after reading this you might realize how similar the people of the subcontinent really are. I will periodically share info about other religions.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sikhism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sikhism
Friday, April 8, 2011
I am really starting
To hate working in groups. Last week was a debacle when I had a presentation to do with some people who would have rather watch grass grown then try to succeed academically. Today one of my professors broke us up into small groups. I hate this shit. It makes me feel like a kid. I might as well have been wearing overalls and had a pacifier in my house. After counting off I realized I didn't have to move from my seat because my group was placed in my proximity. Within moments a rather rotund woman who's in my class said the following: "YOU'RE NOT IN OUR GROUP!" I kindly replied that I was aware of this and I was not facing them. She then said to her other group members:" HAY GUIZ...LET'S FACE THE OTHER WAY FROM HIM!" Whoa whoa whoa, calm down there Giddy Gina. It's not that big of a deal. I didn't come into your house and take a shit on your carper, which I am assuming is from the 70's. I base this assumption on the fact that your shirt resembled something an elderly female farmer in the 15th century of Austria would have worn. I also didn't appreciate the fact you yelled at me with your burly voice. Bitch, your voice was so manly that my penis went flaccid, when it was already flaccid. Next time you're strung out on heroin or whatever the fuck you take, please stay away from public arenas. Please do not expose your period on steroids to the masses. I am Baliwala. I am a one man group. That is all.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Like this page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Meanphidia/201619326537939?sk=wall#!/pages/Meanphidia/201619326537939
Copy and paste.
Copy and paste.
I am
Statistically better than you. I average 4.8 NPW(naps per week). When I open doors for people I slide completely out of the way in a 270 degree angle and curtsy to make you feel like you're getting out of a limo. In May of 2009, I consumed 18 cheeseburgers. All were non-halal. It is a record that still stands to this day. My BMI rivals that of B.I.G. P.O.P.P.A, but I'm not overweight. My jawline to cheekbone ratio emulates that of Anil Kapoor. When I was 13 I could type 8 words per minute. My scores on the ACT has been associated with scholars, from Lalu Khet. I have 400 text messages a month, and I have never gone over. I carry two umbrellas with me always. One for me and one for somebody who had the misfortune of not knowing it was going to rain that day. I have a number 4 pencil. When it's time to take a scantron, I break it in half. I sleep with both eyes shut, but my third eye never waivers. I am Baliwala. Numbers don't lie. That is all.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Sometimes
You can give the world to a person and not even get an island in return. Sometimes you can save someone's life and they will try to destroy yours. Sometimes you will lend your shoulder for someone to cry on and they'll ask for the other. Sometimes you can hold a door for a person and not get a thank you or smile. Sometimes you can change the course of somebody's life and they'll discourage you from the path you're on. Sometimes you let a friend borrow $20 and then they'll ask for your credit card. Sometimes you'll take the blame for the weed or liquor found because you want your friends parents to think their child is perfect. Even with this being said, do not let this discourage you from being yourself. Do not give up the good fight. Do not let cynicism discourage you from showing compassion to your fellow man. Do not let your experience damage your right and desire to stand for what's right. Always speak the truth. Slay dishonesty. Uphold the moral code of the righteous. I am Baliwala. I will help you up even if you plan on bringing me down. That is all.
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