Hmm

To all the girls

That think telling a guy he masturbates is an insult, fuck you. It is the furthest thing from an insult. Every guy does it. If he denies he's a god damn liar. Yea, it's true. To the guys who deny it, stop. You're not fooling anybody. There is no point in acting like an angel when you know you commit this devilish act frequently. Girls, jerkin the yerkin is like second nature to guys. We don't realize we're doing it most of the time. It's an activity that we actually look forward to and enjoy. To those girls who think this act is done out of desperation because we are not able to secure cooch, fuck you as well. We are nasty animals. Get used to it. Sex is something that never escapes our minds. I am Baliwala. He who hesitates, masturbates. That is all.

The other night

When I chillin maxin out shootin, JK! It was about 1 AM and was bored at my computer. I check my phone because it's usually on silent at night, I don't want to be disturbed. I see I have a missed call. I call it back. Nobody is picking up, then just when I am about to hang up, somebody answers the phone. The voice was groggy and fobby. I asked politely who called. They responded with:"I NO CALL YOUR PHONE." I start laughing. This had to be a joke right? Nobody speaks like that. Ok they do but only in movies. After exchanging names and him denying that he called, I ask him if it was possible that somebody might have called my number from his phone by mistake.He replies with:" DIS IS MAH PERSOHNAHL PONE. ONLY I MAKE CALLS PROM IT!" Chill out bhai saab. It was just a question. Guess what? The next day I check my phone and he called again. Is this guy trying to piss me off? Does he wanna throw down downtown? I didn't bother calling back because I didn't feel like laughing my ass off. Or maybe I would have gotten infuriated when he would deny calling me from his "pone." I am Baliwala. I get late night bootycalls from fobs. That is all.

It's spelled differently than it sounds

I have a problem

So I was at a club this weekend. After some time I spotted a very cute girl. I mustered up the courage to go up to her and tried to say hi. She totally ignored me. I felt pretty bad but let it go. Later on when I was leaving I spotted her going to a car with her friends. I thought I should let her know how bad she made me feel so I ran up to her, punched her and smashed her head through one of the car windows. She called the cops (what a pussy right?) and I have to appear before a judge next week. What I want to know is, what should I say to the judge? By the way, if I see this girl again it's on. I don't care how many girls she has with her. It's on. I am Baliwala. I promise I am not violent. That is all.

New banner competition

I'm looking for a new banner. What do you get out of this? I will Paypal you one dollar. That's right. I'm a man of my word so if you win you'll get the money. Submissions can be submitted through the comments or can be emailed to me at PagalJaanuAThotmaildot.com. Replace the AT with @ and dotcom with .com. That is all.

I'm going to stop being so sarcastic

The time has come to stop being so sarcastic. I am getting to an age where I need to be mature most of the time. Also, it has come to the point that people don't know if I'm being serious or not. This can be troublesome especially I am being serious. This is going to take some time to get used to, but I know I can do it. I am Baliwala. This entire post was covered in sarcasm. Sorry. That is all.

I'm actually not

Hey you in the blue

I wanna marry you

My old mattress

So I had this old mattress in my basement taking up space. Last year I bought a memory foam mattress. Shit was developed by NASA. You know what that means? It means I can sleep in space if I wanted to. I decided to sell that bitch on Craigslist because I'm a G status type of hustler. After almost a week of no replies, I got an offer. I was like fa fa sho. I gave the woman my number and we made arranged to meet. We had a conversation on the phone and she seemed really enthusiastic. I found this to be comical. Who the hell gets happy over buying a busted old mattress? Oh well, I was just glad to rid of it. When she was on the way she called and sound elated. She said:"I'M GOING TO BE THERE WITHIN HALF AN HOUR!" Chill out shawty. It's ok. You'll be sleeping on suitable furniture tonight. I get the mattress and take it out the front door to wait for her. She shows up with some dorky mofo, who is probably her boyfriend. They both approach me and look scared to death. I smiled back at them and introduced myself. I wanted to yell at this woman and say:"NOT SO HAPPY TO SEE ME NOW ARE YOU HUH?" I think they imagined to meet a gentle face but got a surprise. I haven't shaved in 3 days and I was pretty tired. I had an annoyed look on my face. The nerd handed me the money very quickly like it's a drug deal. Then I asked if they needed help putting it in their car. They replied with: "NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Holy shit, I'm just offering my help. I didn't offer to eat your first born. Chillax. I am Baliwala. I sell things that I have laid on. That is all.

To the person

Who called me private last night at 2:24 AM, fuck you. I was excited to see that I had a missed call this morning. When investigated further and say the call had come from a blocked number, I wanted to throw my phone against a wall. You are a sad, pathetic piece of shit. I hope you catch a nasty cold and have nasal congestion. I am Baliwala. I had anonymity. That is all.

My classmates

Are among the weirdest mofos on the face of this planet. So I've been busy with school lately and haven't been posting. Along with combing my hair, eating sandwiches, and sharpening pencils I haven't had time to update. I digress. Well I had my first final today. It was a pretty big relief knowing that I was going to be done with one class for the semester. The weather has been great and making me not want to be in school at all. So I get to class and get my thinking cap on. I was all business. I had 2 pens out and even whiteout. Then a classmate of mine who I get along with pretty well walks in. My God, he looked like he was getting ready to lifeguard at a beach for rabbits. You know what this motherfucker had on? You obviously don't know so I'll tell you. He had on furry flip flops. That's the only way I could describe what was on his feet. To make matters worse he had on a shirt that was straight out of The Brady Bunch. I quickly got the image out of my head because I didn't want any distractions. Then my favorite character of the class walks in. I call this guy Mr. Cool. He slowly struts into class as if he's too good to be there. He has a mundane look on his face as he waddles passed everybody to seat which is all the way in the back. The funniest thing about this guy is that if by chance he's on time or even early to class, he'll leave and come back a few minutes later. Yes, you read right. I think he's allergic to punctuality. He always wears a baseball hat. Hats are not allowed in class, but do you think Mr. Cool cares about the rules? Hell no he doesn't. He wants the chicks know about his G'd up swagga 24/7. After some thought, I'm going to call this guy Mr. Ice. So I get done with the final and leave to library to get some studying done. In my next class I was drowned in my own world because I was doing some work. Then all of a sudden the topic of sex was being discussed. I won't lie, my ears shot open. Then out of nowhere a student says this out loud:"Sex with somebody you love or care for tastes better than having sex with a stranger." What the fuck? I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared. What kind of weird sexual encounters has this guy had? I don't want to even know. After some time I look over to my left and see a guy on his laptop. Guess what is open along with a bunch of other sites? Porno. Yes that's right, sexual content folks. Couldn't this guy wait to go home or at least to the bathroom to jerk his yerkin? Apparently not. I turned my face away in fear of what I might see. I am Baliwala. I'm not too cool for school, I don't dress inappropriately, and I view porn only from the comfort of my home. That is all.