The fob whisperer

I'm not big on saying hello or saying anything to strangers. Just not my thing. This isn't the 1950's. Fuck outta here with that shit. I digress. So the past couple of weeks have been hectic due to midterms. I've been going to class groggy as hell. Some might say even absentminded. So I head down to the library to get my G status pimp-hand strong swagger dagger study on. It's just how I do ladies and gentlemen. As I'm heading towards my destination a huge congregation of people are walking towards me. One of them is a recent arrival from India or Pakistan with slicked backed greasy hair. He looked like he was auditioning for a Broadway version of The Outsiders. As I pass this guy he feels the need to say something to me. Keep in mind that I have never seen this guy in my life. Looking back at the situation now, I'm glad that I didn't. Anyway, he leans over to my ear and whispers: "Go to the class." It was a surreal moment. What the fuck just happened? It's bad enough he surprised me with his broken verbiage, but it's even worse that he had to seductively say it into my ear. Homeboy damn near licked the inside of my ear. He was that close. I was too tired to even look back at this guy. I felt violated so I pretended at the moment it didn't happen. Now that I think about it, it's good that I didn't look back because who knows what the hell he would have done next. He might have tried to kiss me and then looked deep into my eyes. Fucking weirdo. I am Baliwala. I have perfect attendance. That is all.

I'm going to stop

Using the bathroom at my school. Too many odd things happen.

The loud pissers- These are the guys who go off like they're draining every drop of water in their bodies. Just the other day I visited the facilities to leak the lizard. Some dude pulls up next to me to do the evil deed. No big deal. It's a bathroom. All of a sudden I hear the sound of a rainstorm. No big deal once again. Poor guy was probably having an emergency. Maybe he downed a Gatorade too fast. I don't know. Then within 5 seconds I hear a fire hose. Holy shit guys, if there was a fire nearby this dude would put it out within no time. I have a feeling he doused himself in his own filth.

The moaners are groaners- These are the guys who have orgasms when they urinate. I understand relief comes with this act, but there is a limit. These guys have no shame at all. They'll stand right next to another male and grunt as if they're having sex. To make matters worse, they also close their eyes and tilt their heads back. Couple this with the odd sounds they're making, it make me wonder if the urinal is doing something to their junk that is giving them intense pleasure. I don't want to find out.

The feet danglers- I know emergencies occur, even at school. The feet danglers are the guys who have no regrets when it comes to taking a shit at school. I'm not a fan of going #2 at any public place. It's never been my thing. Creeps me the fuck out. It seems that anytime I go to do my business, there is always somebody in one of the stalls battling for their life. It's bad enough I have to hear all the horrible sounds their sphincters make, but it's another thing when it looks like the toilet is swallowing you and your feet are 10 inches off the ground while your have muscle spasms. It is a very disturbing image.

I am Baliwala. I'm going to hold it in. That is all.

I had to post this again

this one goes out to

The old fuck that works at the reference desk at my school library. Don't think I didn't notice the dirty look you gave me as I was leaving. Look dawg, I was trying to kill some time before class and I fell asleep. It wasn't my intention but it happened. My plan was to read a book and leave for class, but shit didn't work out like that G. I venture into your place of work about twice a week and things have gone smoothly. This isn't the first time I knocked out, so what's the beef? Why is all this hostility coming from your sullen eyes which hide behind out of fashion spectacles? I thought you were cool G. You look like a 62 year old version of Moby. Go to Google images and type in Moby. It'll give you a better mental image. Trust me. Maybe you were having a bad day. Maybe you were stressed out from work. Wait, all you do is sit at a computer doing jack shit. That's not stressful. Hell, if I were you I'd knock the fuck out right there. Who's going to stop you? You're the boss! While in my next class I was very upset with you homie. For a moment I thought you were racist. I don't think you're racist. I think you felt I disrespected your place of work, wait fuck that. From what I remember people can get pretty loud. You don't even look at them, fucking pussy. I was actually doing you a favor by sleeping. It was keeping the noise level down. Fuck you old library man. I hope you wake up one day and become illiterate. I am Baliwala. Wake me up when September ends. That is all.

Guide on how not to be a bitch boy

1.Most of your friends should not be female. If you're straight please act like it.
2.If you have vast knowledge of makeup, keep it to yourself. Refer to the second sentence above.
3.If a girl constantly talks about another guy, cut her off. You're not her female best friend.
4.Do not constantly call or text a girl especially if she does not reciprocate. She's just not into you dawg.
5.Cut off any females that only communicate with you when they need a ride somewhere. You are not a chauffeur.
6.Do not do any school assignments for females. If they can not do it on their own, they're dumbasses.
7.Do not pay for bills or any sort, especially if the female is not your girlfriend or you are not receiving sexual favors.
8.Do not listen to a girl cry. If she asks why you are ignoring her, say that you don't want to end up hitting her.
9.Cut off any girls who constantly tell you they have problems at home or physical ailments. Tell them to see a doctor.
10.Do not speak to girls who just flirt. Cockteases cause men to do violent things.