Mr. Birla in the building!

My

First semester of college was very eventful, not because of the college experience, or growing up, but because of a special girl. I had cultural anthropology at 8 am. I was late to the class the first day. I found this to be personally embarrassing and vowed to be never late again. At the time it didn't seem like a silly goal. The next day I woke up an hour than I did the day before. We were finishing up going over the last part of the syllabus in class. When the professor concluded he asked if there were any questions. Only one hand was raised. This was the hand of a recent arrival to the U.S. via Gujurat, India. After having permission to speak she said: "OOHHH OHHH TEACHER TEACHER, CAN WE HAVE LIKE PIZZA PAHTEE AT END OF TERM?" I wanted to laugh but I was in such shock that I could not produce laughter. I could not believe this shit. She had to be kidding. A couple of weeks later I was early to class. Within moments Ms. Cheese Eater appeared. She had on huge headphones and a CD player. That's right, a fucking CD player. I felt bad and thought that maybe she wasn't fortunate enough to afford a MP3 player. Fuck that. Anybody and everybody can afford one. I had to come up with an excuse so I wouldn't laugh in her face. Halloween had just passed. She asked if I gave out a lot of candy and I replied that I didn't. When I asked her she replied with: "YEAH AT SARI STORE WE GAVE OUT KINGAH SIZED KITAH KATTAH BAR." Once again I couldn't believe what I had just heard so I pretended that I didn't. Leaving class the zipper on my book bag was stuck. Out of nowhere she swooped in and snatched my bag. Then with the power of The Incredible Hulk she fixed it. I was actually thankful even though what she did could have gotten her smacked if I had panicked. That's something my mom usually did for me. I don't know what happened, but Ms. Book Bag Fixer ended up sitting next to me around midterms. One day in class we were watching a film on an indigenous people. I found it pretty nasty because they were walking around in nothing but loin cloths. A very disturbing sight. Anyway. I digress. There was a part of the film where the people killed chickens by breaking their necks. I don't know if it was apart of a ritual or they just had an odd way of making dinner, but that's what happened. When the snap of the neck was heard many moans and groans were produced. I even cringed. But Ms. My Hair Is Too Long And I Should Have Cut My Hair 2 Years Ago, turned completely around. It was very dramatic. When she turned back around she said:" YEA YOU PROBABLEE ENJOY THAT....MEAT EATER SALA!" Whoa whoa, I was bothered by the same thing. Sorry for not jumping up, hiding under my desk and crying. After that day things were never the same. I am Baliwala. I hope you remember me, wherever you are....who the fuck am I kidding? You probably got deported and are currently married with 4 kids with the 5th one on its way. That is all.

Be

Yourself. If you struggle in your basic chemistry class, do not tell people you are becoming a doctor. If you take 2 hours to put on your makeup do not tell people you are becoming a model. If you borrow your friends' BMW to pick him up, do not tell people you are making over six figures. If your weekends consists of sleeping with random men while drunk, you don't make bad decisions, but rather you blame alcohol for your slutty lifestyle. If you hit on every single girl you encounter, you don't get mad pussy, but rather you live your life like a wild animal. All you want to do is eat and fuck. If your parents ask to do chores from time to time, you don't have the worst parents in the world, but you rather are a spoiled brat. If you constantly get into fights when in public you're not a thug or tough guy, but rather you suffer from brain damage from all the blows to the head you've taken. I am Baliwala. I am an astronaut. That is all.

Good shit

For the first time

I am actually excited about cricket. I never thought this day would come. It first started out by catching live scoring through text online. Then I started watching the games online, but today I did something I thought I would never do. I was on my way to class. It was cold and windy. I was barely awake and wanted the day to end already. As I approached the building, I saw somebody from my class leaving. As he passed me I gave them one of those looks. You know, that look that says "I know you. You know me. Please say hello so others will think I am cool." He ignored me. This pissed me off because he is in my group and we have a presentation in a week and we still have a lot of work to complete. I thought to myself "Did this motherfucker really just do that?" What made this worse was the fact I received an email earlier that morning from another group member informing me that he was not going to come. Oh fucking great, looks like Bali is going to have to go into beast mode and start mad brainstorming on mofos. Looks like Bali is going to have to start dropping organizational structure on somebody's momma. But there was a silver lining. Actually a silver blimp because when I got to class I found out it was canceled. Good shit, but I was dead tired. I had another class about an hour and half later so I had time to kill. I didn't have any studying to do. I go to the library and hop on a computer. After reading some news I realized India was playing Australia in cricket. I stopped myself from watching at first. I mean, I was going to watch an illegal stream of cricket that was being played in India while in school. This is something I made fun of people for doing in the past.I distracted myself for a few minutes but I couldn't resist anymore. I immediately became paranoid about the others around me and what they would think if they saw what I was watching. They were working on their academics or on Facebook. Something that's normal in college libraries. But to watch cricket that is constantly being interrupted by commercials for prepaid phones and cooking oil? Highly unusual. Because of this I opened up a tab for Google and pretended that I was looking at stock prices. I squinted and put my left hand under my chin to make it appear as if I might be losing money. That's the only thing I could come up with. The apex of my excitement is when I learned that India and Pakistan were going to be playing in the semifinal. This is something I wouldn't care for in the past, but now I am pretty jacked. I hope the people with brown skin and funny names wins. I am Baliwala. I'm known for wickets in cricket, I got myself a fawty and a shawty, and I'm about to stick it. That is all.

This one goes out to

The motherfucker who drove by the curb and splashed water on me. I looked down. Then at your car. I repeated this. That's how much shock I was in. I thought your punkass would slow down as you approached your parking space, but your Stetson(Google image that shit) wearing ass did not. I saw a Chrysler 300. You know, the poor man's Bentley. You probably stole that shit because you're a low life who has no courtesy for your fellow man. You probably think you're driving in style. You probably think the ketchup you get from your local diner is actually fancy. By the way, I saw your wife who you were dropping off. That bitch was so fat that she had to walk around her legs. It looked like she was hiding two suffocating midgets against her thighs. I wonder how much you pay her to pretend to like you. I bet you do petty stuff like steal from the tip jar at your local Mcdonald's. I'm pretty sure you have robbed an old woman or two. You know why? Because even Stevie Wonder could see how much of a fucking prick you are. I am Baliwala. It rains on me when it does on nobody else. That is all.

You are

Fucking hot. Sexy. Cute. You get the point. To make things better you can actually hold a conversation. A rare combination that is found today. Girl, I'd be willing to hold your hand in public. Well a semi-public place. I'd hold your hand walking down a dark empty street, but I wouldn't at a concert. I am Baliwala. I find you moderately attractive. That is all.

I'm usually good at giving advice but this stumped me

I need a new phone

But I don't want to spend my own money. Help me out guys. Thanks.

Whoa, calm down

Babygirl sometimes

You need to shut the fuck up. Sometimes you act very high and mighty. Sometimes you act like you're prettier than you actually are. Sometimes you think you're funny when you're not. Sometimes you crave my attention when I don't think you even exist. Sometimes you act smarter than you are. Sometimes you think I'm into but I'm really not. Sometimes you think people believe your lies when they can see right through them. Sometimes you pose crazy in your pics. Actually, you pose like a retard in almost all of them. Sometimes you act like your friends are attractive when you know they're not. Sometimes you judge what others are doing in their life, like me for example, when you are doing jack shit. I am Baliwala. Sometimes you really annoy me. That is all.

My Bracket

Click on image to enlarge.

Give whatever you can

https://american.redcross.org/site/Donation2?idb=0&5052.donation=form1&df_id=5052

Uhhh

I am going to

Do something I have never really done before. I am going to tell you about my Friday night in as much detail as possible. Fasten your seat belts. This might get bumpy.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to a Chicago Bulls game. Until about Wednesday, I thought my friends and I were going to a Chicago Blackhawks game. What happened was my friend informed me that we were going to the Hawks game. I thought he meant the hockey team. If he didn't then he should have said the Bulls game. I don't give a fuck who they're playing. I want to see Derrick Rose bust some ass and break some skulls. In my foolishness, I didn't take the time to think twice and thought my other friends thought we were going to a hockey game as well as you can see below.



Then later I found out that I had been wrong the whole time, which was about over a week. I even told others I was looking forward to going to a hockey game for the first time. The word uhhh came to my mind when this conversation took place.



Oh well. Shit happens. The plan was for my friend and I, who is a neighbor, to pick up another friend then meet another person at a restaurant called the Billy Goat Tavern that is located by the arena. When I see my friend we were supposed to pick up I assumed the driver did too. I thought it would be funny to wave at him as we passed him by to make it look like we weren't going to pick him up. I assumed wrong. The driver kept going. I thought he was looking for an opportunity to make a U-turn or turn back around. Because of this I started talking about my old Bulls championship I had. Then about a block later, my friend said " Hmmmmmm, I don't see this place he was talking about." I then told him that we passed him blocks ago. He said that I distracted him. Whatever. That wouldn't hold up in a court of law. So we pick our friend up. Traffic was crazy so it took about 45 minutes to reach the restaurant. The Billy Goat Tavern is very famous in Chicago for their "cheez borgers" as they pronounce them. When I waited to order my food I felt good. I was to about to get my grub on then watch live basketball. When I was asked for my order I said I would like a cheeseburger. The guy said they were out of those and were only serving doubles. I said I would take it. Then I realized that if you have enough meat for a double cheeseburger, you should definitely have enough for one. My friends told me it was an old tradition. Fuck that. I got hustled over a cheeseburger. This is something that is going to take a while to get over because cheeseburgers are among my favorite things. While eating I noticed two men in line that were probably from the Indian subcontinent. I don't like to judge, but it looks like they were supposed to vegetarian, or at least not eat beef. I thought it would be funny if there parents saw them what reaction they would have. The walk to the stadium was very crowded. Just before reaching the doors, I almost lost my friends in the crowd. While trying to catch up to them, the same two Indian men from the Tavern were right behind me. They passed me on the curb. One of them then said to me, while walking at a brisk pace, something odd. "HEY BRO, THANKS FOR KNOCKING ME INTO THE STREET MAN!" Granted, he did end up walking on the "street" of the stadium, but there was not any traffic at all. Also, he was about 10 inches off the curb. My first gut reaction was to catch up to him and knock the living dog shit out of him. I luckily brushed it off and moved on. We found out seats pretty easily. There were very good. The only thing that bothered me is that I had to keep getting up so people could leave or get back from their seats. The only thing that made this tolerable was that two seats to my left sat a gorgeous female. I didn't mind her passing me by, but I did mind the convicted felon that she was with. It was like he broke out of prison just that night to take out his girl. Speaking of convicted felons, there were many.I even saw a person with a teardrop tattoo. Not something friendly to see when you're waiting to use the bathroom. The game was very good. Bulls won. When I went to look for a bathroom during halftime, I saw something odd. Not only did I see a bunch of Desis, but I saw a bunch of Desis that were all in the same mood. This mood was glum. The looks on their faces was like deja vu. It reminded me of the Pakistani concerts I used to go to. Desi guys huddled against a wall looking at their phones as if it had the secret to life. Desi girls wearing too much makeup and pretending that nobody can see them, then acting shocked when they spot a pair of eyes cross their line of vision. Young Desi kids with their dads who have no idea what basketball is, but are accompanying their offspring so they could have a good time. I didn't see the Indian guys from before. I'm glad I didn't. I might talk about what happened afterward at a later date. I am Baliwala. I will knock you into the street. That is all.

Once again

Just a reminder, Channing Tatum still sucks.

The Rock and Roll Guy

Who is he? How would you know? If you knew, then you wouldn't be reading still. I really need to stop asking questions when you guys don't know the answers. Anyway, I was running late to class. This was the first time that I was going to be late all semester. Fuck. When I reached my class I could not enter because a presentation was going on and late students were not allowed to enter until a presentation was complete. I went to the bathroom and when I exited, I heard a loud noise. It sounded like "da dah ahahahhaha na na na!." The hallway was almost empty. When I looked about 30 feet down the hall, I saw somebody who probably hadn't showered in two weeks. The garbage I heard was coming from his headphones. The closer he got, the louder it got. When I went to the front door of my class another student was waiting as well. After about ten seconds I thought I should strike up a conversation. I remember her mentioning she was Punjabi. When I looked at her and was about to utter the first word, I saw something that threw me off. She was cock-eyed. Also, she had a look on her face as if she was homeless. It's hard to explain, but the conversation did not happen. I leaned on the wall, then guess what happened? That same motherfucker came back. Mr. I don't care for my eardrums made another appearance. I looked at his face. Guess what? Yes you are right. He was cock-eyed as well. I wanted to ask both people if they were related. Maybe they were apart of an association that helped people with this ailment. I also wondered if I put them in a room together how long it would take for them to speak to each other. Mr. Rock and Roll had a look of his despair as well. I feel bad for them. I should buy them a present, or at least introduce to Facebook so they can make some friends. I am Baliwala. I keep my eyes on the prize, which happens to be right in front of me. Not off to the left or right. That is all.

I have

Come to the realization that I am a late night gigolo. This has been happening for the past few weeks at an increasing rate. Women approach me on the internet for entertainment. But these women are not single. They are in a relationship and sometimes even married. That's right folks. You heard right. That's the damn truth. At first I felt odd but quickly realized I could charge these women money to keep them company while their significant others are asleep. Might as well take advantage of them if they're trying to take advantage of me. I am Baliwala. After 10 pm I wear nothing but a bow tie. That is all.

Pedophile alert