Some people

Just don't know when to quit. I used to know a guy who bullshit lied all the time. I knew this within minutes of talking to him that he was a pathological liar. But what could I do? If I called him out he would have just made up more lies. To give a glimpse of how much he lied, I'll give you an example. He once texted me asking if I could pick him up from a bar because he had 50 shots and 16 beers. He was unable to drive. I'll let that settle in as I continue this tale. I noticed for the past few years he had been absent. I didn't think too much of it because I really didn't consider him to be a friend. Late last night I was bored and could not sleep. I decided to visit the Illinois Department of Corrections. I go there from time to time and type in Desi last names so I can laugh at those mofos and boost my low self esteem. When I typed in the first last name and clicked the first name that came up, I was shocked. Guess who it was? I'll give you one guess. If you guessed Shahrukh Khan you are wrong. It was that dude. The page said he was sentenced to 15 years. My curiosity further grew, so I Googled his name. When an article came up I was shocked beyond belief. You know what this motherfucker did? This guy scammed some senior citizen. He told him that he was a real estate developer. The poor guy then gave him his credit card and bank details. Then this cum nugget decided it would be a good idea to buy a Rolls Royce Phantom. That's right folks. One of the world's most expensive cars. Oh, but it gets better. He then decides it would be a wonderful idea to rent a private jet. Cuz ya know, that's what "ballers" do. Now he's going to jail for a long time. Now he is going to get raped on a daily basis. His life is ruined. His family left in shame. Moral of the story: be yourself. Don't hate who you are. I am Baliwala. I have 9 dollars in singles. That is all.

Lol huh?

A very nice guy

Apparenlty

I go to school with royalty. My professor wanted to get to know his new students. He asked if anybody was related to anybody famous. The girl sitting next to me said her distant relatives were royalty in Ghana. I then asked her if she was a princess. She said she probably was. My face immediately went into the palm of my left hand. Is you for serious dawg? I tried to put that out of my mind and continue with the class. Then 30 seconds later this girl raises her hand and says.....fuck.....man...she said she was related to Oprah. I blinked my eyes fast 3 times to make sure I wasn't having a dream. I'm not calling her a liar, but come on. I could be related to Brad Pitt, but chances are that I am not. I should watch what I say. What if she shows up to class with a brigade of bodyguards? What if she is led to her seat on an elevated throne while roses are being thrown in her path? Only time will tell. I am Baliwala. I might be getting a job soon as a royal servant. That is all.

I've noticed that

Anytime I like or even comment on a girls Facebook picture, it goes completely ignored. Yet, when other girls comment they get a response. Now I don't go around doing this often so I feel it should be appreciated. Dammit, I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to compliment you or mastering the art of using flash. I'm trying to say you didn't put on too much makeup. I'm trying to tell you that your cock eyes have gone straight pretty straight. I'm trying to tell you that you did a good job sucking in your gut. I'm trying to tell you that you don't look that drunk. I'm trying to tell you that somebody out there might ask you for your number. I am Baliwala. If I give you a thumbs up, that means you did a good job. That is all.

I'm proud of myself

Because today I controlled an impulse. What was this impulse you ask? The impulse to yell out "that's what she said." For those of you who speak to me, you know how much I say it. Hell, I even say it when it is not needed. Today in class I successfully accomplished overcoming my addiction. We all have that one person in each class who has to speak every chance they get even if it has nothing to do with what is being discussed, or even the class in general. When I walked in today I tried to spot this person. It's something I've been doing the last few semesters. I could not spot this person. Usually it is pretty easy. The person with the messiest hair and most out of fashion glasses is the one who wants to have a conversation with the professor. Within a few minutes the person made herself known. I was going to zone out after I found this out, but she said something in response to the professor that caught my attention. The professor said, when concerning the syllabus:"I like being behind rather than ahead." The weirdo who sat in front then said:"I like behind!" WOW! I had to bite my tongue. I think it might have bled. Guess what happened next? The brief conversation repeated. Holy shit. I think they wanted me to say "that's what she said." I had let a Ha for a second but played it off like I was clearing my throat. After that incident the rest of the class was a blur. All I remember is the professor talking about pizza and the weird girl screaming about how she wants to go to grad school. I am Baliwala. People are afraid to have intelligent conversations around me in fear I will say something childish and run away. That is all.

Thanks for the heads up

Good Song

When I was 12

I was coming home from school and I spotted something odd out of the corner of my eye. When I took a closer look, guess what I say? If you guessed a dead possum then you are correct. When I came home I told my brother. He grabbed his coat and we went back out to investigate. The possum was laying on it's back lifeless. I was a huge wrestling fan back then and I remembered something. I remembered the commentators saying the villains were "playing possum" when they pretended to be hurt. ALAS! I thought to myself. I told my brother about my revelation and he grabbed a stick and poked that little furry fucker. After about 10 pokes he announced it was dead. We headed back home and called animal control. The next day it wasn't there. Did animal control come to pick it up? They are known for not being punctual. Was the possum playing dead so well that it fooled us? Maybe so. Maybe it got up and moon walked away. I am Baliwala. If I find you and I think you're dead, I might call city services. That is all.

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Some people who

Visit gas stations are characters. A long time ago I was at home and all of a sudden I had an urge for Twix. I try to subside this urge, but I couldn't resist it. I said fuck it and made my way to the local gas station. When I entered I was relieved to see there was only one customer. I would have gone crazy if I had to wait for my chocolate and caramel. Out of nowhere the customer, who was hmmmmm, let's just say he was rotund, yells out "FUCK YOU!" to the recent arrival behind the counter. I'm not sure where he's from because I tried talking to him in Urdu and all he did was shake his head and smile. Maybe he had Parkinson's. I digress. Then after cursing at this poor soul he heads for the door. He opens it about halfway and stops. Turns around looks at the employee and says "I LOVE YOU!." I didn't know if I should laugh or be scared. I wanted to ask what happened, but I chose not to. Then the guy behind the counter starts saying "Man, ya know man, is like the guy drink then..." The rest was inaudible, and to be honest I didn't care. This was mostly because I was contemplating if I should purchase a Kit-Kat as well. I hope the guy didn't come back and beat his ass. I am Baliwala. There is a thin line between love and hate. That is all.

"You're too old

to be in school." This is what a female said to me. You know what my response is? You're too old to be ugly. Yeah, that's right, I said it. While you're going to school for God knows what, you pollute the world with your monstrous body odor. While I am too old to go to school, you're too young to step to me dawg, holler at me when you get to my intellectual level. I'd run circles around you. Don't fuck with my silver tongue. While I am too old to be in school, your wardrobe rivals that of a Pakistani housekeeper. Upgrade your threads before you make ill informed statements. While I am too old to be in school you are still cock-eyed. Please be able to walk in a straight line before you make judgments about my life. My name is Baliwala. I go to school with a walker. That is all.