Mr. Birla in the building!

My

First semester of college was very eventful, not because of the college experience, or growing up, but because of a special girl. I had cultural anthropology at 8 am. I was late to the class the first day. I found this to be personally embarrassing and vowed to be never late again. At the time it didn't seem like a silly goal. The next day I woke up an hour than I did the day before. We were finishing up going over the last part of the syllabus in class. When the professor concluded he asked if there were any questions. Only one hand was raised. This was the hand of a recent arrival to the U.S. via Gujurat, India. After having permission to speak she said: "OOHHH OHHH TEACHER TEACHER, CAN WE HAVE LIKE PIZZA PAHTEE AT END OF TERM?" I wanted to laugh but I was in such shock that I could not produce laughter. I could not believe this shit. She had to be kidding. A couple of weeks later I was early to class. Within moments Ms. Cheese Eater appeared. She had on huge headphones and a CD player. That's right, a fucking CD player. I felt bad and thought that maybe she wasn't fortunate enough to afford a MP3 player. Fuck that. Anybody and everybody can afford one. I had to come up with an excuse so I wouldn't laugh in her face. Halloween had just passed. She asked if I gave out a lot of candy and I replied that I didn't. When I asked her she replied with: "YEAH AT SARI STORE WE GAVE OUT KINGAH SIZED KITAH KATTAH BAR." Once again I couldn't believe what I had just heard so I pretended that I didn't. Leaving class the zipper on my book bag was stuck. Out of nowhere she swooped in and snatched my bag. Then with the power of The Incredible Hulk she fixed it. I was actually thankful even though what she did could have gotten her smacked if I had panicked. That's something my mom usually did for me. I don't know what happened, but Ms. Book Bag Fixer ended up sitting next to me around midterms. One day in class we were watching a film on an indigenous people. I found it pretty nasty because they were walking around in nothing but loin cloths. A very disturbing sight. Anyway. I digress. There was a part of the film where the people killed chickens by breaking their necks. I don't know if it was apart of a ritual or they just had an odd way of making dinner, but that's what happened. When the snap of the neck was heard many moans and groans were produced. I even cringed. But Ms. My Hair Is Too Long And I Should Have Cut My Hair 2 Years Ago, turned completely around. It was very dramatic. When she turned back around she said:" YEA YOU PROBABLEE ENJOY THAT....MEAT EATER SALA!" Whoa whoa, I was bothered by the same thing. Sorry for not jumping up, hiding under my desk and crying. After that day things were never the same. I am Baliwala. I hope you remember me, wherever you are....who the fuck am I kidding? You probably got deported and are currently married with 4 kids with the 5th one on its way. That is all.

Be

Yourself. If you struggle in your basic chemistry class, do not tell people you are becoming a doctor. If you take 2 hours to put on your makeup do not tell people you are becoming a model. If you borrow your friends' BMW to pick him up, do not tell people you are making over six figures. If your weekends consists of sleeping with random men while drunk, you don't make bad decisions, but rather you blame alcohol for your slutty lifestyle. If you hit on every single girl you encounter, you don't get mad pussy, but rather you live your life like a wild animal. All you want to do is eat and fuck. If your parents ask to do chores from time to time, you don't have the worst parents in the world, but you rather are a spoiled brat. If you constantly get into fights when in public you're not a thug or tough guy, but rather you suffer from brain damage from all the blows to the head you've taken. I am Baliwala. I am an astronaut. That is all.

Good shit

For the first time

I am actually excited about cricket. I never thought this day would come. It first started out by catching live scoring through text online. Then I started watching the games online, but today I did something I thought I would never do. I was on my way to class. It was cold and windy. I was barely awake and wanted the day to end already. As I approached the building, I saw somebody from my class leaving. As he passed me I gave them one of those looks. You know, that look that says "I know you. You know me. Please say hello so others will think I am cool." He ignored me. This pissed me off because he is in my group and we have a presentation in a week and we still have a lot of work to complete. I thought to myself "Did this motherfucker really just do that?" What made this worse was the fact I received an email earlier that morning from another group member informing me that he was not going to come. Oh fucking great, looks like Bali is going to have to go into beast mode and start mad brainstorming on mofos. Looks like Bali is going to have to start dropping organizational structure on somebody's momma. But there was a silver lining. Actually a silver blimp because when I got to class I found out it was canceled. Good shit, but I was dead tired. I had another class about an hour and half later so I had time to kill. I didn't have any studying to do. I go to the library and hop on a computer. After reading some news I realized India was playing Australia in cricket. I stopped myself from watching at first. I mean, I was going to watch an illegal stream of cricket that was being played in India while in school. This is something I made fun of people for doing in the past.I distracted myself for a few minutes but I couldn't resist anymore. I immediately became paranoid about the others around me and what they would think if they saw what I was watching. They were working on their academics or on Facebook. Something that's normal in college libraries. But to watch cricket that is constantly being interrupted by commercials for prepaid phones and cooking oil? Highly unusual. Because of this I opened up a tab for Google and pretended that I was looking at stock prices. I squinted and put my left hand under my chin to make it appear as if I might be losing money. That's the only thing I could come up with. The apex of my excitement is when I learned that India and Pakistan were going to be playing in the semifinal. This is something I wouldn't care for in the past, but now I am pretty jacked. I hope the people with brown skin and funny names wins. I am Baliwala. I'm known for wickets in cricket, I got myself a fawty and a shawty, and I'm about to stick it. That is all.