2013

   Is coming to a fast close. The year is better described through pictures.

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It's that time again

     I got another haircut. I was overdue. Being on vacation has made me very lazy but I wanted to look fresh for the New Year. On my way to the barbershop, I saw my barber walk into the local bar. Oh no. This can't be good. He returned about five minutes later. I was apprehensive to sit in his chair, but I went for it. He does not talk much but on this occasion he was full of conversation. For years I was under the impression that he was an Eastern European Christian. Because of this I asked him how his Christmas went and he informed that he did not celebrate it because he was a Muslim. Very interesting. An intoxicated Muslim from Albania giving me a haircut. Only in America.
     With all the banter going on I didn't pay much attention to the job he was doing. When I finally did, I noticed he was doing the same job he always does. I also could not smell any alcohol. This led me to believe that maybe this wasn't the first time he cut my hair while under the influence, and that he may have been an alcoholic. I don't care. He always has been respectful and professional. Whatever his flaws or shortcomings might be are none of my business. This goes to show you that just because you have a vice does not make you a bad person. I am Baliwala. I once again look like a low level drug dealer. That is all.

For the first time

     I will give you access to never before seen content. This is stuff I had originally wanted to put on the blog, but did not due to the over the top nature of the posts. Link is below


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Free Samples of AXE Deodorant

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My last final

     Was this past Monday. It was scheduled from 1-3 PM. I decided to wake up a little before 9:30 AM so I could get to campus early to get some extra studying done. I checked my email at 9:42 AM. Why did I remember the exact time? I remember the exact time because I received an email from my professor. It went like this: "*real name withheld due to many reasons* We are currently taking our exam from 9-11 AM in our classroom." Holy Shitcicles Batman! I felt as if I was experiencing a nightmare. I had never felt so shocked in my life. My heart started to pound very fast, and it seemed to completely stop randomly. The act of breathing which once was a mere reflex, suddenly became an arduous task.  After the initial shock, I emailed my professor back and told him that I had 1-3 PM written down in my notebook, because that's what I was told on the last day of class, and if there would be enough time for me to finish the exam.
     I had no time to see if he had replied. I threw on whatever and rushed to campus. The trip was excruciatingly slow as my heart continued to have palpitations.  When I arrived to the classroom I had explained my reasoning for being too late. The snickering of my classmates could be heard in the background. I don't blame them. I would have done the same. I was handed the exam. When I found out it was 10 pages long and I had only 45 minutes to finish it, more panic set in, but I said fuck it. I do not have time for emotions to further hinder my ability to finish the exam. I had a feeling come over that reminded me that I had been through worse in life and have come out on top.
     The exam was a blur. Adrenaline and muscle memory took over. I had easily forgotten about the mishap on my part and got lost in academics, no geek. I ended up finishing the exam at 11:03 AM. I turned it in but I was still shook by what could have happened. My professor was very kind to send me an email reminding me of the exam. Without that I would have been screwed, so I sincerely thank him. It was something he did not have to do. Moral of the story: life will mess with you unexpectedly. You can either curl up into a ball and blame circumstance or others for your downfalls, or you can take personal responsibility for your actions and choices, and overcome them by sheer courage. By the way, I did really well on the exam in case you were wondering. I am Baliwala. Stray away from fear, laugh in the face of intimidation, breakthrough mediocrity, and most of all, never sell yourself short. That is all.

Some of

The insults I have received in my life:

" You panda!"

"Your mother snorts cocaine off of the toilet."

After making fun of a FOB: "You are an elitist in English."

After not buying ice cream at Baskin Robins: "Of course you do not want ice cream, MEAT EATER SALA!"

"You are son of dog."

"Faggot."

"Asshole."

"LOL! YOU MUST BE A VIRGIN!"

"You wish you were White."
 

Sounds like a swell guy

The lack of

     Creativity in the world has gone down. I blame the internet. Hello, I am Baliwala. You might know me from such posts as "Desi bitches" and "Channing Tatum is a faggot", but enough about that. Over the past six months I have seen a decline in comedic ability, and the main culprit is Vine. The majority of these blurbs do not even get a giggle out of me. What is more disheartening, is the amount of people who "like" these videos. They comment as if they are in the middle of a seizure. It's not that funny. I usually see these comments on the Vines titled "Niggas be like" or "Bitches be like." I am intentionally using quotation marks because I want the marks to create a physical barrier between my words and those of which that come from idiots. Anyway, even though I do not like the videos or the people who make them, there is a  level of respect from my end. This is because they have found a niche and if they are not already, have the possibility of benefiting financially. The excuse of always being in a hurry might explain this phenomenon of minute attempts at comedy, or that it does take a creative mind to come up with a funny skit in a short amount of time, but I don't buy it. Everybody has time to sit down and laugh for more than 7 seconds, and that is not enough time to have a person truly engage into a meaningful message. I am Baliwala. Nothing can replace genuine thought and art. That is all.

Listen man

    

     I get it. You're a "free spirit", but cut this shit out. It's beyond disgusting. Maybe you think the Earth is a wonderful place that has feelings, and you want to feel "connected" with it, but that is not the case. The weather on this particular afternoon was mild so I can maybe understand your reasoning for going foot commando, but yesterday there was snow on the ground and you didn't have on any kicks. As I walked out of my last class of the day I saw your punk ass come down the stairs. Not only were you barefoot, but you gave me a dirty look. Yes, YOU gave me a dirty look, because I'm the weird one. Not you. You're the spitting image of sanity. Walking around with crusty soles and God knows what type of bacteria creeping up your ankle. I wanted to kidnap you and drop you off at the nearest Foot Locker for your own good. If you're reading this and are thinking: "Stop being an asshole, it's his body and life", or "Stop being so judgmental", fuck you. Yeah that's right. I said it. What he is doing is socially unacceptable and creepy. I am Baliwala. I wish I could wear two pairs of shoes at the same time. That is all.

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I tend

To be an asshole

Hmm

Audio recording software >>

Yea

Record audio or upload mp3 >>

iPhone 5s and 5c

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That's what she said

ummm

Watch out

We have a bad ass over here.

Yup

Voice Recorder >>

Meeting of the great minds

Another

Old Podcast. Enjoy.

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My new kicks

I keep it simple.

Could this

End up being a problem when prosecuting the surviving Boston Marathon bomber?

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Throwback

Podcast I did a couple of years ago. Click here

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As a child

I used to love Legos. It was probably my favorite thing to play with growing up. I never made anything extravagant, but check out these pics. Some people have wild imaginations and great artistic ability. Click here

In the time

     I have been blogging, I have come to find out that there is a small portion of people who visit this site to find out "secrets" about me. They think if they go back far enough in the archives they will come across an intimate detail about my life. It doesn't work like it. I only post things that I hope people will find entertaining. You will never catch me discussing any personal problems or how bad my day was, unless there is a comedic aspect to it.
     Recently a crazed recent arrival to Canada felt the need to leave disparaging comments on some of my posts. Not only did he do that, but he spent hours going back to older posts. Why? Maybe because he wanted to find out something personal about me, or maybe he was bat-shit crazy. I assume the latter is true.
     Finally, to those who have asked me or might ask me in the future to make a post about them, please stop. What the hell am I supposed to write? "Hey, my friend is cool...?" When I have asked numerous times for people to guest blog, I have never received a reply, but when I'm in my normal routine of posting, that's when the various messages of "heheheh make a post about hehehe how much you heheheh love me heheheh" come out. You can assume the gender of the people who ask me this. I am Baliwala. Just like Nas said: "People will only move on you if you weaknesses; I have none." Well I do, but I'm sure as hell not going to tell you. That is all.

I almost

never takes pics of myself, so enjoy this while you can. Click here

Check it out

Super amazing 3D tattoos. Incredible! Click here

You need a new hobby

This person spent 5 hours on  my blog. During this time they chose to leave multiple paragraph comments about how much they "hate" me. These comments were in Punjabi and broken English. My favorite "insult" left by this illegal alien was: "I HOPE A GIRL ENTERES YOUR LIFE AND BREAKS YOUR HEART!" Notice how the word "enter" was spelled. I know you're reading this now. I suggest you  see a doctor and get a prescription for blood pressure medication. If not, you might suffer a stroke soon.

Amazing photos

That have not been photoshopped. Click here

Forgot to mention

Channing Tatum gets killed early in the movie. Even in his small role, he sucked as an actor as usual. The end. In other news, Miley Cyrus is kinda hot. Click here to see what I mean.

My review of

GI Joe: Retaliation

Plot sucked but the action was decent. The end.

Celebs without makeup

Beauty is overrated.

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What do you think?

Jennifer Lawrence or Beyonce, who's got the hottest bod?

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The most

Overused and stupid Facebook status. I blame watered down rap and Oprah for this.

Hmmmm

Love that chicken from Popeye's!

Typical things

Desi guys and girls say

Desi guys
You see that girl in the yellow shalwar khameez? I had sex with her.

I overuse MashAllah and InshAllah. Remember! The second A has to be capitalized or it does not count!

I smoked a cigarette once.  I was nauseous for 5 days. 

I had a great day at the gym today. I bench pressed 9,000 lbs.

I'm studying to be a doctor. My major is culinary arts.

You see that girl in the red shalwar khameez? I had sex with her.

I have remixed many classical Bollywood sings with such artists as Drake.

I've been to Vegas many times... with my family.

Nothing like smoking hookah and listening to 2pac.

I'm going to marry an Arab even though our families will never be able to communicate due to a language barrier.

I do not dine at McDonald's because they serve haram meat, but if you have a blunt please pass it.

I only wear Armani Exchange, Express, or something else that seems expensive, but can be bought at clearance prices.

You see that girl in the blue shalwar khameez? I had sex with her.

Really sore from my workout today. Carrying groceries from the car to the house really worked out my glutes, traps,  and core.

Islam is the truth even though I have little knowledge about it. 


I can beat anybody's ass. Well not anybody. Just Desi guys who can't speak English and are small.

You see that girl in the orange shalwar khameez? I had sex with her.

Money? I'll have you know I have been working since I was 16, but my parents still pay for my cell phone bill, clothes, and pretty much everything else.

I treat every Desi girl like my sister. That's until I start hitting on them. You know how it is. I can't control my emotions.

Bollywood? LOL! I don't watch that fob shit. No no, but for real, Baghban was a very good movie.

2 Chainz is the best rapper in the game.

You see that girl in the pink shalwar khameez? I had sex with her.

Desi girls
Totally got hit on at Starbucks today. This guy asked me what I wanted my order and had the nerve to say what the total was.

I will never get married. Desi guys are the biggest dogs ever. *After watching a Bollywood movie* I know one day I'll find my jaanu!

Had such a long day. Woke up at 2 PM then had to go down the hall to use the bathroom.

Desi guys are not sophisticated or intelligent. I attend a community college and work part time at a mall. I will take over the world one day.

Guys who drink are not hot. That's what I say in public so people will like me.

Forever 21 has the best clothes.

Saw the cutest guy today. Didn't see his face but the back of his head seemed normal.

Even though I have nothing to offer as personality and are quite ugly, I will marry a doctor.

I hate fobs, but I add them on Facebook. Their romantic messages make my heart skip a beat.

I'm so modern. The other day I took my dupatta off my head and put it on my shoulders.

Islam is the truth even though I have little knowledge about it.

Money? I'll have you know I have been working since I was 16, but my parents still pay for my cell phone bill, clothes, and pretty much everything else.

I will remain a virgin until marriage, because being a virgin makes you a good person. Nothing else counts.

I overuse MashAllah and InshAllah. Remember! The second A has to be capitalized or it does not count! 

I smoked a cigarette once.  I was nauseous for 5 days.  

Had a good workout today. Those potato chips weren't going to eat themselves.

I'm going to become a doctor. How difficult can it be?

I'm going to marry an Arab even though our families will never be able to communicate due to a language barrier.

I smoke hookah. I live life on the edge.

I straighten my hair even though it's already straight.

I'm very outgoing. I went to the library twice last month.

Hot indian girls!

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Yeah buddy

Shoutout

To all the people who want to get married to people who are financially secure, but do not have the ability to earn more than minimum wage. You should aim for the stars, but it's quite difficult when you're shooting from hell.

Shoutout

To all the pussy hungry dudes out there who have to resort to cheesy lines in order to get a girl to hold their hand. You're going to die alone.

Shoutout

To all the girls who ignore guys when they get boyfriends, but then run back to them after they get dumped. Keep it classy ladies.

Dinner is served

It's stuff like this

That poisons the brains of young women.

I got this

Email from somebody in class. They sent it to everybody in the course for some reason,

I

Am a Pakistani, but I speak Urdu like a Pathan/Hyderabadi, Punjabi like a Sardar, and English like a New Yorker. Nice to meet you.

This is exactly what I want in a girl

The company

That sponsors my ads went out of business. The good news: you guys won't be bothered with advertisements. The bad news: well not really bad news, but I probably won't blog as much unless people start donating. Time is money people. As you have already noticed I haven't blogged much due to time constraints, but nothing motivates me more than cash. Just being honest. If you would like to donate their is a button to the right if you scroll down a bit.

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 Just for the hell of it. Nothing personal.

Uh huh

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