Go go go

After

My family who visited me left, I received a phone call. More on that later. I had my cousins over. It was a great time. The oldest one, who is 16 and goes to the same high school I attended, is a genius. This kid walks around with a rubrics cube and solves it like nobody's business. Who the hell does that? Geniuses. That's who. The youngest of the bunch, who is 6, is a master of video games. Now I realize why people have kids. They're amazing, but enough of that. After they left the house phone rang. I picked up and was greeted in Urdu. A woman from an Islamic website wanted me to buy something. Usually I just hang up or say I'm not interested, but not this time. I waited and politely told her in Urdu that I was Hindu. I then told her that I celebrated Diwali just two days before and this call was very offending. I waited for a response. There was none. I repeatedly said hello, but nothing was said in return. This is when I realized that she hung up on me. Hopefully nobody from that company will call again. If they do, I'll magically become Christian. I am Baliwala. My religion is comedy. That is all.

If you

Set on the path of revenge, dig two graves. One for your enemy and one for yourself.

Well this was surprising

I'm shocked, seriously.

This person is a bitch

http://facebook.com/profile.php?=73322363.

I wanted to

Take advantage of Subway's $5 footlong special. Of course the person working there was Desi. I wasn't shocked at all. In the middle of making my sandwich she started asking me if hot peppers on sandwiches were good because she had never tried it. Are you serious? You work at fucking Subway. She then tried to acquire about what part of the Motherland I was from. When I told her exactly, she responded with: "OMG!LAHORE!" She then asked me to speak in Punjabi. I wanted to get my sandwich and get the hell out of there, but I took my time. She told me to say "today is a good day" in Punjabi. When I did she replied with "OMG! PUNJABI SUCH SVEET LANGAWAGE!" She then told me that she was from Hyderabad. I was then informed that she was not aware of their particular lingo because she didn't like the sound of it. Oh yea, she was cock-eyed. Very cock-eyed. It would have distracted me but the conversation captivated my attention. I then walked away and said bye without looking back. I'm never going back there. I am Baliwala. Anytime I purchase food my ethnicity comes into question. That is all.

This past weekend

I attended the Imran Khan show. Here's a rundown.


When I got to the venue

All I saw was a sea of dudes with faux hawks and skinny jeans. I felt out of place because I was dressed down. Half the girls were dressed modestly to my surprise, and the other half were dressed like they were going to an upscale club. I ran into some friends I hadn't seen in a while. That's always a good thing.

Opening Act

The MC's consisted of a guy and girl. The guy was a loud-mouthed bastard. No surprise there. The girl had a British accent. She had the bottom of her hair in semi-curls and was wearing a gray dress, but keep in mind I was sitting in the balcony. The first performers were a bunch of college kids from Chicago. They did three songs. Mitwa, Aadat by Jal (every Pakistani band does this song) and I think one of their original songs. 7.5/10. They were much better than I expected. The next act was some chutiya named Sean Stackz. He must have been about 38 but was rocking a faux hawk, but he had a receding hairline. He was dressed like he was going to rob a bank/attending Elton John's funeral. My God this guy was horrible. He didn't even really sing, he just sang along to the songs that the DJ was playing. He then invited people on stage to dance. A couple of them starting to breakdance while the others did their best impression of Bhangra. They all looked like fools. I'll give that portion a 6/10 only because the clowns on stage made me laugh.

Then a friend of the people I was with informed us that we could go to the main floor because she talked to one of the promoters about it. I ended up about 3 feet from the stage. Good shit.

H Dhami
Very good performer. I didn't know much about him before the concert. The only song I knew of his was Har Gabroo(Youtube it). He came out with lots of enthusiasm and was very interactive with the crowd. He even did a stage dive. Good shit. He gave a lucky girl to come on stage. She looked awkward as hell up there. She was the envy of every girl there, yet she looked like she about to shit her pants. Funny stuff. This guy sang Sadi Rail Gaadi Aiyee(Youtube it) and danced like a train. Gangsta. 8/10.

Culture Shock

By far the best performers of the night. Had the most energy and everybody knew their songs. They gave out posters and continuously touched hands with the audience. This is about the time I noticed the female MC. Ugly. Messed up grill and huge nose. Her hair was still nice. That has to count for something. I sang along to every song they sung. Don't judge. They make hot shit. Baba Khan who really doesn't sing, interacted with the crowd the most. Major cool points for that. Will definitely try to see them perform again. 9/10.

Intermission

I was dying of thirst so I bought a bottle of water. Wasn't a very uneventful break.

Imran Khan
The main attraction. He came out and immediately sang Amplifier. I know pretty much all of this songs, so when he came by my side of the stage while singing Hey Girl, I made sure to yell out the lyrics extra loud. He noticed me. We had a connection. No homo. I noticed that he wouldn't take off his sunglasses. I also noticed that he slurred some of his fobby words when trying to speak. Most probably was drunk. He didn't have much energy. He just did his thing. It was still pretty good. A girl threw her high heel on stage and another threw her dupatta. Bitches be crazy. 8/10.

Throughout the evening there was a myriad of drunk Desi guy and girls roaming around. Some weren't a problem, but others like this fat motherfucker who kept on barreling into me, were pretty annoying. A few fights tried to get underway but security did an excellent job of stopping them before they got out of hand. I ran into a few more people I hadn't seen in a while. The venue it was at had been renovated. All in all a very good time. I am Baliwala. I had to take sit down several times because jumping up and down in place is tiring. That is all.

I must be evil

Because this made me laugh

The girl you just called fat... She's overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly... She spends hours putting on makeup hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped... He's abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars... He fought for his country. That guy you just made fun of for crying... His mother is dying. Put this as your status if your against bullying. I bet 95% of you wont re-post this, but I'm sure the people with a heart and backbone will

............

If you

Would like to me to recite anything, leave it in a comment below.

I recite poetry

Listen

Most retarded thing I have ever read

Girl : Am I pretty?
Boy : NO.
Girl : Do you want to be with me forever?
Boy : NO.
...Girl : Would you cry if I walked away?
... .......................................Boy : NO.
She heard enough, and was hurt. She walked away, tears ran down her face. The boy grabbed her arm.
Boy : Your not pretty, your beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would DIE.
(Boy whispers) : Please? Stay with me.
(Girl whispers) : I will.
Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they love you. . Get ready for the biggest shock of your life! ;)

Sooner than

Later I need to start being nice. Not to say I'm not already a nice person, but I need to be nicer in order to get a girlfriend. Apparently I have to smile and be genuinely interested in what females say and shit like that. I've been practicing. I've had some success but I really need to work on this. I have to settle down eventually so might as well get cracking. One thing I definitely need to work on is my fucking profanity. See what I did there? Wish me luck. I am Baliwala. I'm no good cuz I'm so hood. Well verbally sometimes. That is all.

Vote

Here

He's back at it

Singh vs. Shah

This one

Goes out to all the people who are fake on the internet, mainly girls. I'm not talking about personality, which is an issue I will probably talk about in an entirely different post, I'm talking about using other people's pics, or even pics of celebrities on social media sites. I've noticed this phenomenon recently on Facebook. If you have a Desi first or surname, and your picture is of a busty White girl, you won't fool me. You will fool idiotic Fobs though, and I'm guessing that's what you want to do. From there you'll complain on your statuses and text your friends about how you get harassed online. If you use a pic of let's say Angelina Jolie, you're still retarded. Don't give me the whole this person inspires me bullshit. The only thing that makes you want to be like her, is the fact you want men all around the world jerking off to you like they do to her. Oh, don't think I forgot the dudes that do the same shit. You faggots with your pics of John Abraham or photoshopping a six pac to your torso. Fuck you degenerates. Once again, the only people you're going to fool are underage girls from Chandigarh. Google that if you don't know that is. Expand your knowledge. You will then brag to your greasy-haired friends about how much poon you get, and how all the girls would kill themselves if they aren't able to marry you. Kick rocks while wearing sandals. Moral of the story: be yourself. If you do you'll find out that more people will actually like you than not, offline and on. Hard to believe I know. Obviously there will be some who will not like you, or even despise you. That's just how shit goes. There are 6 billion of us on Earth. Unfortunately, we all can't get along. I am Baliwala. I have not taken a pic of myself in 9 years. That is all.

I don't understand

Some people. This is the thought I had immediately after I overheard somebody's conversation. Well, I wouldn't call it overhearing since this person was yelling as if a god damn fire was nearby. Don't get me wrong. I don't like to stereotype, but it was obvious the gentleman who spoke was a homosexual, or so I thought. What he said after I saw him confirmed my original thinking. This is what he said: "OMG! SO APPARENTLY I MADE OUT WITH 4 GIRLS WHEN I WAS DRUNK! I THINK I TURN STRAIGHT WHEN I DRINK!" Really motherfucker? Your sexual orientation changes when intoxicated? He then went on to yell about how he grabbed a girl's vagina as well. Then I thought this gay is probably a trendy gay. What is a trendy gay? A homosexual who acts gay just because they think it's cool and want to attract female friends. That's what it is. I guess they think they can't get charged with rape because their defense of being gay would be iron clad. I'm currently in negotiations with Wikipedia to have a page made about this that can't be edited. People need to be informed. But seriously, would you make sexual advances towards the sex you aren't attracted to when drunk? I don't think so. Maybe he's bisexual. I don't know and I really don't care. I just hope the day never comes where he tries to touch me; sober or not. I am Baliwala. I have never pretended to be gay so I can go shoe shopping with females. That is all.

I

Finally have unlimited text messaging. This does not mean you are free to send me nonsensical bullshit. Thanks.

Breaking you down like an equation

Just

Found out I've been on the honor roll for the last two semesters. I didn't get anything in mail, but rather found out by accident while bored and looking at some school stuff online.

Good cover

Finished up answering questions

Here

So check it

I woke up pretty early today and couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't have anything to do, so I decided to get a haircut. I could have waited a couple of more weeks, but I wanted to get it out of the way. It was pretty hot when I got outside. Kind of a mind fuck considering it's almost the middle of October. Afterward I went over to a local restaurant to pick up a burger. The restaurant mainly has Mexican cuisine, but their burgers are awesome. After munching down I took a shower. When I went outside to have a cigarette after cleansing my body, I saw this odd lady that lives in my neighborhood. She has a decent sized rottweiler and keeps to herself. All of a sudden she stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. The dog laid down a few seconds later. She then began having a conversation with her dog. Kind of weird, but I've seen many dog owners do this. Then she looks at her dog and says: "EWWW! DON'T YOU JUST HATE CIGARETTE SMOKE?! ISN'T IT DISGUSTING?!" You know what's disgusting bitch? The fact that you're trying to have a full on conversation with a K9. That's what you cunt. I was pretty surprised. Did she think I couldn't hear her? She was across the street, but not very far. You know what else is sick? The fact that you probably engage in sexual relations with your kuta. Yeah I said it. You seem so disconnected with reality that you've made your own that consists of doggie treats and doggystyle, you curly-haired, wrinkly, walking vagina. Speaking of vagina, yours probably smells like rancid, flea infested dog hair. I understand that when you try to engage in discussions with humans it ends horribly because the left side of your brain is probably filled with Iams (Google that), but that does not change the fact that we humans exist and can hear your dog penis ravaged voice. I bet your half-retarded dog probably thinks the same. If they had a voice they'd let your retired librarian looking ass know how they felt. I am Baliwala. I don't speak dog. That is all.

Question answered

Here

There's only two things when it comes to a battle: God and my shadow

Ask me more questions

And I'll answer them once again in a voice clip.

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Give me

Money so I can buy a PS3 and NBA 2K12. There is a donate button if you scroll down and look to the right, underneath my picture. Thanks.

We all

Have done silly things to attract the opposite sex. Hi, my name is Baliwala. You know me from such blog posts as "Big bitches with little voices" and "The guy who urinated in public." When I was 12 years old, I was way too shy to approach girls. Others around me were not though. That summer I was at a Pakistani Independence celebration. I spent most of my time walking around with a bunch of friends. Trying to look cool for all the little girls. There wasn't much else to do in a big park. I noticed that there were two White girls using the bike trail. Probably enjoying the weather. I wasn't the only one who noticed that. After a few rounds around the park, I kept seeing the girls, but they were off in the distance. About a half hour later I saw they were coming right towards my friends and I. They were slowing down to avoid an accident. As soon as they were near, one of my friends, who was wearing a hat backwards( what a G), pushed another friend into one of the girls. She fell but luckily for her onto grass. My friend then rushed up to her and said: "Are you ok?" She said she was fine. He then said " So can I get your number?" I was shocked. She kindly smiled and said no. My friend was quite surprised that she didn't give up the digits. Maybe if she had a scrape on her knee she might have been vulnerable and given him what he wanted. We'll never know. I am Baliwala. I hold girls at gunpoint when I want their number. That is all.

Interesting last name

A friend wanted me to post this