Things that

You should not find comfort in:

Food: Diabetes and heart disease is not going to make you feel better
The success of a sports team-99% of athletes do not give a fuck about you. They make millions of dollars to play games.
The rain- Motherfucker, you only enjoy it when you're indoors, so if anything, you enjoy the sound of it hitting your windows and the fact you're not soaked like the poor bastards who are outside without an umbrella.
Hearing about somebody else getting married or engaged- If anything, it goes to show you that you are still inadequate in finding a life partner
Thinking a pop song relates to your life- Lady Gaga is not talking to your soul. She hits the crack pipe and records songs. Just enjoy the melody.
Painting your nails- Guys do not give a fuck about what color your nails are. You'll never hear Jonny say: " Sally had everything going for her, but then I saw her nails..."
The Weekend- Probably the most overrated thing mankind has conceived. You get two days off of work/school so you can get intoxicated to the point of illness. Not that fun if you actually think about it.
Miracles- They don't exist. God does not only work for you. God did not cause that car accident on the highway when you were heading late to work. He will not inconvenience dozens of people for your simple ass.
Finding money in your pockets before doing laundry- This just means you're forgetful and do not know the true value of money. Chances are you're going to end up homeless.
Buying new clothes- You have to do this. You can't wear rags and this does not change your already shitty personality.
Drugs- That empty void is only filled for a moment, then the rush of darkness comes back into your empty heart
Zodiac Signs- Fuck it. I'm going to make one up right now. If you are Faggitarius chances are you going to meet somebody of the same sex and have a long-lasting relationship. See how easy that was?
Money- Shit comes and go. Most of you spend it on stupid shit anyway. Diversify your bonds homies.
Using the word "haters"- You're in denial. People are usually honest when they are talking directly to you. Take their advice and stop being such a horrible person.
Being single- You're not independent. You're not free to do what you like. You're ugly, and your heart is uglier. Disgusting.
Being in a long term relationship- You're boring. So is your significant other. You're going to bore each other to death. Have fun!
Your bed- It's supposed to be comfortable you fucking idiot. Was your previous sleeping area a bed of nails?