First

I was like

Then I was like

Is it just me

Or is every single rap or R&B song these days made for women? I swear to God I can't get down to this shit. How am I supposed to dance when some guy is talking about a girl with a big booty? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pop and lock to that garbage. That's just not my style. Here's a perfect example: the song "Say aah" by Treysongz. It's a catchy tune, but the lyrics are clearly aimed towards females. The chorus goes:"Open wide, it's your birthday, I know you're thirsty." Let's take a look at this for a moment. The singer is informing a female that it is the anniversary of her birth. He then asks her to say open her mouth and say ahh as if she were getting her throat examined at a doctors office. Most people might think that he is going to pour some type of drink into her mouth, but read between the lines. He is clearly talking about oral sex. I'm sorry I had to break the news to you guys but somebody had to. I think it's safe to say he wants to get her intoxicated so he can engage in sexual activities with her. I'm sticking to my bhangra. Fuck this shit. I am Baliwala. I don't do the rock away. I just pull up my pants and walk away. That is all.

What?

Don't play with guns

My friend used to work at a clothing store in the suburbs a while back. In the summer my friend and I would pay him a visit every Saturday. The store sold urban clothing. That's just a nice way of saying Rocawear and Phat Farm. Time spent there was fun. The store didn't get much business so we were free to chill. One Saturday afternoon a group of guys came in. About four from what I can remember. After 15 minutes of browsing they bought one hat. Seemed weird, but whatever. Fast forward to about 7:30 PM. This is when we were closing the store. While we were doing this I noticed that the same four guys had parked right in front of the store. I paid no attention to it and went back to talking to my friends. About 15 mins later when everything was good to go, I noticed these guys were still there. I informed the owner of the situation. He tells me to come with him. He takes me behind the counter. You know what this motherfucker does? He pulls out a handgun. He says that when we go out if "anything goes down" I should pull it out, but not fire because it was loaded. Then he pulls my belt forward and sticks the gun down my pants. This is when I realized having a gun down your pants is only cool in the movies. I didn't want to lose a testicle. I was like whoa whoa whoa cowboy, I don't think this situation is that bad. I just wanted to point out something I thought was fishy. For Gods sake, we were in a White suburb. What's the worst that could happen? We leave the store without any problems. We get into the car and my friend says that I should put the gun, which by the way he didn't have a license for, in the built in compartment of the passenger side door. I do it. All of us were hungry. When we were getting out of the car to go the a restaurant I had completely forgotten about the gun. It fucking fell on the concrete. My pussy ass screams out:"OH SHIT" It was scary. Trust me. I am Baliwala. Let's not fight, let's hug it out. That is all.

When I turned 18

I was never happier in my life. I could legally buy cigarettes. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it was. No more having to ask strangers or older friends to get me my tobacco. The plan for my birthday was simple. Go to an Indian restaurant named Ravi Kabob House. It's the only thing that my friends and I could come up with. On the day of my birthday my best friend said that we should be out for the whole day. My excitement went through the roof. Please keep in mind that I was still a kid and easily amused. My friend immediately suggested that I should purchase cigarettes. I was like fa fa sho. I walk into a gas station and ask for a pack. My ID was needed so I pulled that shit out. The clerk took a look at it and I got my cigarettes. My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe what just happened. I wanted to grab him by the collar and yell:"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? ONLY BAD THINGS CAN COME FROM THIS, BUT THANK YOU SIR." Better judgment prevailed and I kept my mouth shut. As soon as I came back to my friends car he could see that I was overjoyed. This wasn't a big deal for him because he had been buying his own cigarettes for quite a while now. A few minutes later we passed by a McDonalds and I screamed:"I'M GOING TO WALK INSIDE NAKED. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO DO? I'M 18! THEY CAN'T STOP ME! AHHHH!." This is the first time my friend uttered these words to me: "Bali, you've lost you're mind." I am Baliwala. Products that cause cancer make me happy. That is all.

Word of the day 42

chintz [chints]

–noun
1. a printed cotton fabric, glazed or unglazed, used esp. for draperies.
2. a painted or stained calico from India.

The angry fob

I had a few extra minutes before my first class of the day started, so I headed out for a cigarette. On my way back in I spotted something that caught my attention. It was a recent arrival from India or Pakistan. Why did he catch my eye you ask? Well he looked upset. His eyebrows were arched along with his back. This exposed his already comical flooder jeans. His eyes were motherfucking intense. It seemed like he was in a very serious chess match. Then I noticed the tone of his voice. He was speaking in a language I did not understand. That didn't matter because homeboy was screaming. The first thought that came into my mind was: "Who the hell gets this angry this early in the morning?" Seriously guys. Who has the energy for that? Even after breakfast? I'm half asleep and this guy is in full rage mode. This is when I realized I had been following this guy for a while now. I felt embarrassed. To make myself feel better I told myself that I was concerned for his safety and the safety of others. That's total bullshit. I just wanted a good laugh. I don't think I'll ever know what happened on the phone. Even if I run into him again and ask what happened, I have a feeling that I won't be able to understand what he would be saying. I hope everything is ok. I hope his dog didn't die. I am Baliwala. Somebody needs to kiss that guy through the phone. That is all.

Hope

It's what keeps us alive. It's what makes you get up in the morning. It's what makes you look at your phone every 10 minutes to see if you have a text or missed call. It's what makes you sit through boring classes. It's what makes you go to your shitty job. It's what makes you spend too much time on picking out what to wear when you're just going to be out for less than an hour. It's what makes you look forward to the summer. It's what makes you put your heart back together after somebody crushes it. It's what puts you to sleep. It's what makes me blog. I am Baliwala. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see..hope. That is all.

Wax

Lulz

soulja girl tell em!

Desi bitches that bitch

About getting an arranged marriage need to shut the fuck up. You know who you people are. Get one thing straight, a baby-faced Desi male who can salsa and speak fluent French is not going to sweep you off of your feet. I thought once you psychos reached college you would realize it. You didn't. Then I hoped that once you graduated you would get the fucking point. You didn't. Now all you do is cry about how your parents are "forcing" you to marry some guy. You view this as the most horrible thing that could happen to you. The reality is that you're begging for attention. Cut that shit out. It's very unattractive. Let's examine the situation. If you could find somebody to marry you, you probably wouldn't be in this predicament. Also, your parents are not evil as you think. They have put up with your bullshit their entire lives. They've fed and clothed you. They've been there when nobody else has. Stop viewing them as the spawns of Satan you medium brown hair having floozies. The last comment was not directed at any girl in particular. Most Desi girls have that hairstyle. I'll elaborate on that in the future. I digress. Back to the original topic. Whoever your parents choose for you will probably be better than any guy you could get on your own. They'd probably have a better education and would treat you better than any guy you found at the local community college. Face it. You can't get anybody decent looking the way you look. Thinking the way you think. Smelling the way you smell. Eating the way you eat. It's the motherfucking truth, and I'm just here to reveal it. I am Baliwala. If you're a single lady and reading this, I will put a ring on you. Fuck it. All of you are single. I can't afford that many rings. That is all.